Page 42 of Before I Deserved You
“Is it?” he asks, holding my gaze like he can sift through the bullshit and uncover the truth if he just stares hard enough.
“I’m having fun. I enjoy hanging out with the guys. Things may have gotten a little out of hand a couple of times, but I’m not hurting anyone.”
“Other than yourself and the girl who stood by you for years, no matter how tough shit got for you.”
Alright, that does it. I’m not going to sit here and get lectured by a guy who’s about to throw away his entire future because he couldn’t keep his dick wrapped.
“So? I’m smoking a little more weed than I used to and snort the occasional line on weekends. Every once in a while, I probably drink a little more than I should. Fucking sue me. It’s really not that big a deal, and I have it under control.”
“You didn’t seem to have it under control a couple of weeks ago when we found you passed out in a puddle of vomit. And if I remember correctly, that’s exactly the kind of thing your father used to say back when he first started drinking.” He flinches the second the words pour from his mouth, and I can tell by the instant regret in his eyes that he wishes he could take them back altogether. Doesn’t make it sting any less. Jumping to my feet, I jerk on my sweater and bite the inside of my cheek so hard I taste blood.
“I can’t believe you just fucking went there,” I mutter, ready to get the hell out of here before I say something that can’t be undone.
“Jake,” he starts, emotion thick in his voice.
“No. Save it. If you truly believe I’m anything like that piece of shit, then there’s nothing left for us to say.”
“Just hold up a damn minute. You know I didn’t mean it like that.”
I round on him then, chest heaving with barely restrained anger.
“How exactly did you mean it, Carter? Please, enlighten me, because I’m pretty sure I never once turned into an abusive asshole when I was drunk. I don’t go around slinging insults at anyone who looks at me sideways, nor do I beat the snot out of people I love for shits and giggles. You’re my best fucking friend. Don’t you dare compare me to him. Not you.” My lower lip wobbles, and I inhale a shaky breath, beating the unwanted show of emotion back into submission.
The last thing I need is to break down like a little bitch, but the glimmer of raw pain flashing in his familiar mossy eyes doesn’t help, and I feel myself creeping closer and closer to the edge.
“Ever since Mom died, I had to control every aspect of my life,” I say, desperately needing him to get it. To not judge me like everyone else in this gossip-driven town and just have my back the way he always has. Carter’s expression softens, and I clear my throat to get rid of the tremble in my voice. “I wasn’t able to let my guard down, let alone enjoy myself. Do you have any idea what it’s like to flinch every time you hear the sound of the front door opening in your own house? Always on high alert and walking around with a sick feeling in your gut because you know the tide can turn in the blink of an eye. You saw what he’s capable of,” I say, holding his gaze and willing him to understand. “Finally, the pressure is off. And for the first time in two years, it feels like I can breathe again. Don’t I deserve to simply let loose and experiment a little? To make a few mistakes along the way and not think about the consequences? I’m so fucking sick of always having to be the responsible one. The one holding it together for everyone else. I earned the right to be selfish. To unapologetically live my life and do the things I’ve been missing out on for so long. So why don’t you all just get the fuck off my back and spare me the disapproving looks?”
Carter is one of only a handful of people whose opinion greatly matters to me. So, I don’t mind letting him get a glimpse behind the facade. I don’t shy away from holding his eyes, wordlessly begging him to look past my flaws and simply love me anyway.
“I’m sorry.” He closes the distance and lays a tentative hand on my shoulder. When I don’t immediately shrug him off, he pulls me into his chest and wraps his arms around me. I go willingly, needing his compassion more than my pride. “Fuck,” he croaks, tightening his hold. “I’m so sorry. I know you’re nothing like your old man. I don’t even know why I said that. I’m just worried about you, alright?” He pulls back, his familiar eyes glassy and sympathetic. “You’re right. You deserve to have all the fun in the world, and who am I to fucking judge? But there’s gotta be a way to do that in a safe and healthy way without alienating everyone who ever cared about you. This all-or-nothing approach you’ve been taking lately is not doing you any favors. I only want what’s best for you, man. And because of that, I feel compelled to tell you when I think you’re making a mistake." Giving my shoulder a squeeze, he dips his head to make sure I'm paying attention. "Tessa is leaving soon. Trust me when I say you want her to be secure in the knowledge that this long-distance relationship is going to work before she heads out to start her new life. You need to reassure her that she is and will continue to be your number one priority. That you’re worth coming back to because if you keep this up, you’ll lose her. She’s scared, Jake, and frankly, I don’t blame her. I watched her desperately trying to get your attention the last time she decided to join you, and honestly, she may as well not have been there at all. You barely even noticed her.”
“Oh, I noticed her. How could I not, with that perpetual cloud of disappointment surrounding her, whenever I’m having too much fun? If I wanted someone to make me feel like garbage, I’d stay home with Dad. I don’t need that shit from my girlfriend.”
“You know she doesn’t think you’re a disappointment. That’s your old man talking. You just told me you’re not an idiot, so stop acting like one. Quitgetting defensive whenever she says something you don’t want to hear, and be grateful you have people in your corner who keep showing up for you. Once she stops trying, that’s when you have a real problem on your hands. That girl loves you. She’s worried about you, and, honestly, after the scare you gave us the other week, I’d say she has every reason to be.”
I huff out a breath, dropping heavily into the couch cushions before staring at the ceiling like it holds all the answers.
“You really think she’s doubting my feelings for her?” Carter’s answering shrug tells me everything I need to know.
“Just telling you what I’ve been picking up on, man.”
Pinching the bridge of my nose, I briefly turn my thoughts inward before reluctantly admitting, “I mean, it’s possible I may have gotten a little carried away since Dad stepped up to the plate, but I didn’t realize she feels neglected. You know how I feel about that girl. She’s everything to me, and all the booze and drugs in the world won’t ever change that.”
“Maybe you need to tell her that ’cause it seems like she could use the reminder.”
“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I flash him a sheepish half-smile, letting him know I appreciate him for once again setting me straight. When my lips begin to twitch with barely restrained laughter, Carter’s head tips to the side, brows knitted together in an effort to figure out what could possibly have brought on my sudden change in attitude.
“What?”
“You’re gonna be alright, you know?” I chuckle at the confused look on his face. “You. Your baby situation. You’re gonna be just fine. That tiny peanut is already the luckiest kid in the world, and you’re going to be an amazing daddy.”
“You really think so?” The raw vulnerability in his voice makes my heart squeeze.
“I know so,” I tag on, no longer able to hold back the shit-eating grin begging to break free. “After all, you’ve been babysitting me for years, and look how wellI turned out.” I watch as my best friend’s face drains of color before a barely audible, “God help us all,” echoes through the room.
Carter’s words ring in my ears for days following our conversation, and after much consideration, I’ve come to the conclusion that he’s right. I hate to admit it, even to myself, but chances are I’ve gone a little overboard in my attempt to catch up on two years’ worth of missed opportunities. Ever since my dad started drinking, I felt like I was drowning in quicksand, desperately kicking my legs to keep my head above ground but only sinking deeper into the abyss. So, when he cleaned up his act, my entire focus shifted, and I was hellbent on having as much fun as possible while his sobriety lasted. I’m not one to lie to myself. I know he’ll be back to his old ways sooner or later. It’s just a matter of time before the call of the bottle becomes too loud to be ignored. Have I been taking full advantage of his coherent moments? Damn right, I have, because before I know it, it’ll be back to Mr. Responsible for me.
What I failed to consider, though, was how Tessa might feel about the drastic changes, and that’s on me. Carter had a point when he said she deserved better for having stuck by my side through the good and the bad. As far as I’m concerned, that girl hangs the fucking moon, and I need to make sure things are solid between us before she rides off into the sunset to experience everything college life has to offer. So, with a plan in mind, I text her and let her know I’m coming over tonight. Hopefully, a quiet weekend in will give me enough time to apologize and squash any lingering doubts she might have about the state of our relationship.
