Page 47 of Before I Deserved You
Screwing my eyes shut at her cavalier attitude, I inhale slowly to keep a lid on my temper before turning to face her.
“Do me a solid and shut the fuck up. I’m trying really hard to be civil, but I’m hanging on by a thread. Just let me get dressed, so I can get out of here and pretend that this,” I say, gesturing back and forth between us, “never fucking happened.”
Jessica slides out from beneath the covers and struts over to me in all her naked glory. If I didn’t already despise myself, I sure do now, for my traitor of a dick gives an eager little twitch at the sight. She wraps her arms around my neck and presses herself to my bare chest before her lips graze the shell of my ear.
“Someone seems unhappy about your decision to leave so soon.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, Jessica. My dick listens just about as well as you do when a guy tells you he’s not fucking interested, which, apparently, is not at all. Guess it’s a good thing he’s not in charge anymore. Please, hear me when I say that whatever happened between us last night will never happen again.”
Reaching behind me, I pry her bony fingers from my neck and set her back far enough to shrug on my shirt.
“Shame,” she pouts, already crawling back on the bed, where she leans against the headboard in a way that suggests not wearing a stitch of clothing doesn’t bother her in the least. I’m not used to this level of confidence. Tessa and I have been intimate for a long time now, and she still seems embarrassed whenever Ilook at her a little too long in broad daylight. The way Jessica so brazenly puts herself on display unnerves me.
She makes a show of studying her nails before she looks right at me when she says, “I’d love to indulge in another round, but if you insist on a one-off, I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you that last night was truly amazing. I’ve fantasized about this for a very long time, and let me just say the reality far surpassed anything my mind could have conjured up. You made me come so many times I lost count. It’ll be hard to pretend this never happened when I’m already soaking wet, just thinking about that talented tongue of yours.”
Please tell me I used a condom.The panic creeping in is like nothing I ever felt before, and I’ve been in plenty of situations in which heart-pounding fear was an appropriate response. I shrug on my worn denim jacket and pull my phone out of my pocket. Thirteen missed calls and eight text messages. The fact that someone took the liberty to silence it doesn’t go unnoticed and causes a new wave of anger to bubble up in my chest.
“You took advantage of me last night,” I accuse as I hit her with a scalding glare. “We both know I never would’ve agreed to this had I been sober. I’ve shut you down enough times to make it clear that I’m not a cheater. You know I’m with Tessa, and thanks to you, she’ll probably hate me forever. So, if you have any compassion, I’m asking you not to tell anyone about this until I’ve had a chance to talk to her. You owe me that much, seeing as you’ve just fucked up my life even more than it already was.”
At last, Jessica has the decency to show some remorse.
“I won’t tell anyone. I promise. And I’m sorry if I’ve put you in a tough spot. I honestly didn’t realize you were that drunk. I’ve seen you wasted many times, and you’ve always been able to stick to your guns and shut down my advances. After a while, it simply became a game for me. A bit of harmless fun,” she admits with a nervous chuckle. “I held little hope that you’d ever give in, so it took me by surprise when you pushed me up against a tree and kissed the ever-loving shitout of me. When I asked what made you change your mind, you said you didn’t feel like talking and told me to take what I want already.”
Jesus Christ. Just shoot me now.To say I’m disgusted with myself would be putting it mildly.
“You know I’ve had it bad for you forever, and I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. I might come across as an uncaring bitch sometimes, but after you mentioned having a disagreement, I seriously thought you and Tessa must’ve broken things off. Figured you were probably using me to get over her, and honestly, I didn’t care. I was just happy it was happening at all, but whatever,” she adds, waving a manicured hand in the air. “It’s all good.”
Listen, if you asked me even just a couple of minutes ago if it was possible to feel like an even bigger asshole, the answer would’ve been a resounding no. But it appears this fucking day isn’t done with me. What the hell did I take last night that I can’t remember a goddamn thing? This isn’t like me. It makes no sense. I’m one hundred percent head over heels in love with Tessa, and I know how manipulative Jessica can be. Sure, she’s a good-looking girl. I’m not proud of it, but if I were single, I most likely would’ve tapped that a long time ago, despite her questionable character. But I’m not. I’m with Tessa. My best friend. A friend who’s made it abundantly clear that she hates Jessica’s guts. I refuse to believe I’d betray her trust like this. Unfortunately, waking up naked in the enemy’s bed is a pretty hard thing to ignore.
What am I supposed to do now? There isn’t a chance in hell I’ll be able to keep this from Tessa. I simply can’t lie to her like that, and I can’t take the risk of her finding out through a third party. Not that she’ll take it any better coming from me. She’ll be devastated either way, and I know in my heart our relationship won’t survive this.
Once again, panic claws at me, making it hard to breathe. First things first, I need to get out of here and clear my head. Sort through the cobwebs and come up with some kind of plan to make this right.
“I’m sorry, Jessica,” I say, and surprisingly, I find myself meaning it. “It’s not fair to put the blame on you. I’m responsible for my own actions, and by the sound of it, I was the one initiating. Again, I’d appreciate it if you could keep this under wraps for now. I have to go. I’ll see you around.”
With that, I hightail it out of her place, thanking God for small favors when I don’t run into anyone on my way out. I walk down the road before I pull out my phone and dial the one person I can count on to come pick me up and help talk me through this mess.
Carter picks up on the first ring, and I fight the urge to burst into tears at the sound of his familiar voice. Giving him my location, I beg him to hurry before I sink to the curb and bury my face in my hands. How on earth am I supposed to face the girl I can’t live without, knowing that coming clean and confessing my sins will condemn me to a lifetime of misery?
“You better be fucking kidding me?” Carter barks as soon as I slide into the passenger seat of his dad’s Honda. He’s not stupid. I may not have been sitting right on Jessica’s front steps, but putting two blocks between me and the scene of the crime isn’t enough to fool him. He knows damn well who lives in this neighborhood, and judging by his pissed-off expression, it just now dawns on him why I hadn’t picked up my phone all night.
He doesn’t seem as relieved as you might expect from finding out his best friend is alive and well, not lying in a ditch somewhere. Rather, he looks like he wouldn’t mind murdering me himself. Dropping my head back, I let my eyes flutter shut, massaging my temples while I wait for the inevitable lecture that is sure to come. I can literally feel him burning a hole into the side of my head as the car quietly idles at the curb. I know what he’s doing. He’s waiting for me to grow a pair and look him in the eye. I don’t want to, but Carter’s a stubborn fuck, and we both know this car is not going anywhere until I indulge him.
When I finally turn my head, my face must display every ounce of gut-wrenching guilt I’m wrestling with, for his previously unforgiving expressions softens in an instant.
“Goddamnit Jake. What did you do?” He groans like he already knows whatever I’m about to say will cause him physical pain.
“I don’t know,” I admit in a raw whisper. “I don’t remember a damn thing.”
“Goddamnit, Jake,” he repeats while the heavy weight of disapproval sits on my chest like a boulder. I don’t bother with a reply. There’s nothing I can say to change the utter fuckedupness of the situation.
“Can you please drop me at the river so I can pick up my truck? I have to get home, shower, and change before I go to see Tessa.”
Carter forces the car into gear and begins heading toward the other end of town before asking, “And tell her what, exactly?”
“I don’t fucking know, man, but I have to tell her something before someone else beats me to it. Not that she’ll forgive me either way. Fuck!” I roar, slamming a fist into the glove compartment hard enough to bruise my knuckles. We don’t speak again until we reach our destination, each of us lost in our own heads as we contemplate the possible repercussions of my careless actions.
Carter may not have made the mistake, but that doesn’t mean it’s not about to get really awkward for him. If Tessa breaks up with me—no, scratch that—once Tessa breaks up with me, the dynamics of our friendship will forever be changed. Tessa is as much his friend as she’s mine. Plus, she’s the number one confidant of his wife-to-be, and the godmother of his unborn child. He’ll find himself smack dab in the middle of our eventual fall-out, and I hate myself for putting him in this position. In a few short hours, Tessa is going to hate my guts. Megan won’t have a choice but to take her side, and Carter? Well, Carter is going to do what Carter does best, which is have my back. Forever defending my piss-poor behavior, even if it means inviting tension into his own relationship. Even if we both know I don’t deserve it this time.
