Page 43 of Before I Deserved You
I’m in the process of loading up my tools, having just finished a grueling day at work, when my cell phone goes off in my pocket.
“Hey man,” I greet with a smile when I see Chase’s name light up the screen.
“What’s up, my dude? I’m just calling to remind you about Ted’s birthday bash tonight. We’re all heading down to the river later, and I’m about to become your new favorite person because I managed to score us some premium powder to celebrate.”
Fuck. I remember Chase mentioning that Ted’s birthday was coming up, but I thought it was weeks away. This couldn’t have come at a worse time.
“Shit, man. I kind of promised Tessa I was taking it easy this weekend. Spend some one-on-one time with her since I haven’t exactly been the most attentive boyfriend lately.”
Chase produces a juvenile farting sound and mumbles something to Ted, whose sole contribution to the conversation is an ear-splitting boo.
“Come on, Jake. You can hang out with your girl any day. Tonight’s going to be epic. Have her tag along if you don’t feel right about bailing on her. She needs to let loose more often, anyway. It’ll be good practice for those wild college days.”
Yeah, I needed that reminder like a hole in the head. Slamming the tailgate shut with more force than necessary, I round my truck and heave myself into the driver’s seat. Fuck it. One more night isn’t going to make a difference. I’ll invite Tessa, pray she won’t be too pissed about the last-minute change of plans, and make up for being a selfish prick tomorrow.
“Alright. Count me in.” I have to pull the phone away from my ear when their combined whoops and whistles threaten to penetrate my eardrums, but I bring it close again just in time to catch Chase say, “Trust me, dude. You made the right choice.”
Yeah? Then why do I have a hard time ignoring the twin sensations of guilt and foreboding that sit in my gut like a boulder the entire drive home?
Twenty-Nine
Tessa
To say I’m furious is an understatement. I was ecstatic when Jake texted and let me know he was coming over. Having hung out with Megan the past few days to help her come to terms with her teenage pregnancy and the emotional turmoil that comes along with it, I was especially looking forward to reconnecting with the boy I love.
I’m leaving for Phoenix in less than three months, which is a thirteen-hour drive away, and I’d be lying if I said I’m not freaking out. Attending school halfway across the country means I’m leaving not only my boyfriend but everyone I know and love behind. It’ll be like moving from the city to this sleepy little town I’ve grown so attached to all over again. Only this time, I’ll be on my own and forced to live in a dormitory with literal strangers.
Just thinking about it kicks my anxiety into overdrive. I wish I was the daring and adventurous type. The kind who grabs the bull by the horns and simply rolls with the punches. But the pathetic truth is, my concern for Jake overrides any excitement I once had when I first applied to Walter Cronkite. I’m worried he’ll go off the rails. That there’s no one to intervene and keep him on the straight and narrow once I’m not here to keep him grounded. To make matters worse, I’mbeginning to question whether he even still loves me enough to get us through the upcoming years apart. I need assurances and whispered words of undying love. And just when I think Jake is finally making an effort, he calls and cancels our plans once again.
Apparently, Ted’s birthday is an event that simply can’t be missed. At least he had the decency to invite me along and hasn’t completely ditched me. The problem is, I have no interest in following my boyfriend around like a lost puppy while he’s busy making yet another attempt to destroy his brain cells one by one. Neither am I particularly looking forward to another night of Jessica Cartwright ogling him like she wouldn’t mind covering him in chocolate just so she can lick him clean.
I want to stay home and spend time with the sweet and caring boy I used to know, not this lets-get-fucked-up-and-to-hell-with-the-consequences version of him. But seeing as Carter seems to have his priorities straight and actually wants to be around his distraught girlfriend, I’m the only one left to keep an eye on Jake. I may have agreed to tag along, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. When his truck pulls into my driveway, I wordlessly haul myself into the passenger seat and proceed to stare out the side window in icy silence.
“Everything alright?” he asks, already pulling back onto the road. Because God forbid he takes a moment to pretend he genuinely cares. That might cause him to miss five minutes of whatever stupid drinking game is currently underway, and we can’t have that now, can we?
“Actually, no. I was really looking forward to having you to myself for a change, but I guess getting drunk with your buddies takes priority over boring old me.”
Jake gives a resigned sigh. “Sweetheart, I told you over the phone already. I didn’t know it was Ted’s birthday today. We can hang out at your place anytime. His birthday onlycomes around once a year.”
I cross my arms over my chest and finally force myself to look at him. My dark glower simply won’t have the intended impact if it's directed at the passing scenery instead of the person deserving of it.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. I don’t know if you’re aware, but I’m leaving. A few short weeks from now, I’ll be in Arizona, and you’ll be here. This time with you is precious to me. I want to spend every remaining minute with you because I love you, and the thought of not being able to see you every day literally breaks my heart. But you know what hurts even more? The fact that you don’t even seem to care.” The last word escapes in the form of a high-pitched screech that rings through the truck’s interior long after my lips have stopped moving.
Jake glances at me with a look that suggests I might be seconds away from a mental breakdown. Pulling off the highway, he takes us halfway down a quiet dirt road before he cuts the engine and angles his body my way, finally giving me a moment of his undivided attention.
“Let’s just take a breath and calm down a notch, shall we? We can talk about this. If you didn’t want to come tonight, you could’ve just said so.”
“And would you have called off the party if I had?”
Jake opens his mouth to speak but seems to think better of it, opting to press his lips into a thin line instead.
“Yeah. That’s what I thought. You would’ve gone down there with or without me because you’re selfish and only seem to think about whatyouwant lately. You know damn well I’m not comfortable letting you go on your own, and Carter has enough on his plate and can’t look after you, so I—”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he cuts in. “I don’t need a fucking babysitter, Tessa. I’m not a goddamn child. And for the record. I do care. You don’t think the thought of you leaving doesn’t make me sick to my stomach? I’ve been losing sleep, asking myself how the fuck I’m supposed to get through the next four-plus years without you? Don’t forget that you’re the one heading off to start a new and exciting chapter while I’m stuck here working a job I hatefor a man I despise. I’ve been nothing but understanding and supportive while you figured out what you wanted to do with the rest of your life. Well, guess what? I may not have big aspirations, and I might never get to leave this town. But for the first time in forever, I don’t wake up in the morning dreading the day. And if you can’t even let me have that much, then maybe you’re the selfish one.”
I try not to flinch under his verbal tongue-lashing, tears threatening as I take in the genuine hurt in his stunning blue eyes. He has never spoken to me like this before, and even though I know I’m only acting this way out of concern for his safety, as well as the future of our relationship, part of me wonders if there isn’t some truth to his accusation. Am I preventing him from enjoying the freedom he’s earned with every bruise, injury, and sacrifice because I’m miffed that he’s having a good time with someone other than myself? I know I have Jake’s best interest at heart. He’s one of the kindest, most loyal, and caring people I know, and he deserves the world. But am I holding him back from experiencing life to the fullest because I can’t control my green-eyed monster? I wipe at the moisture dampening my lashes and shake my head, giving myself the answer to my own question.
“That’s not fair, Jake. I’ve been anything but selfish when it comes to us. I’ve never made you feel guilty for making your brother and sister a priority. Not once have I complained about not being able to see you as much as I would’ve liked. I always accepted that your family and responsibilities came first,” I say with conviction, hoping he’ll see the truth of my statement once the haze of his misplaced anger clears. “I guess I just hoped that once the unthinkable happened, and you finally had some free time on your hands—time that you get to spend the way you see fit—that you would choose to give it to the one person who patiently sat at the side-lines, happily lapping up every morsel of attention you throw my way, especially when we both know that our time together is running out. You don’t think I love seeing you happy?” I ask as fresh tears well up too fast to keep them from spilling over. “It’s all I’ve wished for these pastfew years. Hearing you laugh again and seeing that sparkle return to your eye brings me nothing but joy. But watching you drink yourself into oblivion while those same eyes turn into a couple of dazed, empty orbs? Smoking joint after joint and reaching for harder drugs with no concern for your own safety? That I can’t do. You’re slowly but surely turning into someone I no longer recognize, and I refuse to stand by and watch you slip into a life of addiction.”
