Page 34 of Before I Deserved You
“Surely your dad will cut you some slack once he knows you’re at risk.”
Jake gives me a look that suggests I’m utterly clueless. I suppose I am, considering he refuses to talk about anything relating to his father.
“My dad’s going to have a field day when he finds out about this. It’ll be just one more thing to add to my long list of flaws. I can hear him now. ‘This is thetip of the iceberg, boy. I always knew you were stupid, but not graduating is going to be an all-time low, even for you.’” He shakes his head, staring off into the distance. “If you think he’s going to be understanding about this, you don’t know my father very well. This is just another reason for him to push me harder, and, honestly, I don’t think I have it in me.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I whisper. I hate how helpless I feel whenever Jake reaches a low point. It’s not in my nature to sit back and do nothing when someone I care about struggles. I just don’t know how to make things better for him. Taking in my crestfallen expression, he releases a heavy sigh and closes the distance between us before he wraps me up in a tight hug. Resting his chin on the top of my head, he rubs my upper arms to stave off the cold.
“I’m sorry, baby,” he croaks. “You must be sick and tired of listening to me complain. I mean, shit. I’m sick of it myself. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I just want to have fun with my friends and have more time for you so I can give you the attention you deserve. Instead, I’m constantly stressed out and moody, and I’m so fucking sorry for taking it out on you.”
“It’s okay. I don’t mind.”
“I mind.” He pulls back to meet my eyes. The raw, unfiltered pain flitting over his features is almost enough to break me. Despite what Jake thinks of himself, he’s by far the strongest person I know, and sometimes, I wish he could see himself through my eyes.
“You deserve so much better than me, Tessa. You deserve someone who can put you first and doesn’t weigh you down with his problems. I don’t know why you’re sticking around, but I want you to know that I love you so damn much. And I don’t want you to feel like this relationship is one-sided. I’ll pull myself together. If I have to run on three hours of sleep in order to study and spend more time with you, then that’s just what I’ll have to do. We only have a few more months before you’re leaving for college. I’ll need all the memories to get me through those four years without you.”
God, I love this boy. The thought of not being able to see him every day is literally tearing me apart. The occasional weekend or holiday just doesn’t seem like enough, and I can’t help but feel guilty about leaving him behind. He may not always confide in me, but I know in my heart how much my support means to him.
“I could stay. Find a school closer to home. If you need me here, I can … ” Pressing a finger to my lips, he shakes his head no.
“Absolutely fucking not,” he says in a tone that brooks no argument. “Don’t you dare give up on your dreams for me. My future has been mapped out for me from a very young age, and any hope I may have had to follow my own path died with my mother. There are people depending on me now, and I won’t let my brother and sister down, nor will I leave them behind. I’m okay with that, because it makes me feel needed. Like there’s a point to all this. That I can make a difference in their lives by sacrificing a portion of mine. But you,” he says, looking at me with a single-minded focus. “You have all the options. You can do whatever you want to do. Be whoever you want to be. Do you have any idea how lucky that makes you? Staying here and going to some second-class college would be a slap in the face to me and anyone else who wishes they could walk in your shoes. Besides, I’d never forgive myself for holding you back, and you’d resent me eventually.” As much as I want to argue, I know he has a point. “I’ll miss you like crazy,” he adds. “And I won’t pretend it’ll be easy to watch you drive off when the time comes. But I’m so damn proud of you, and I need you to promise me you won’t hold back. Do it all. Experience everything. Well, except for smug college boys. I hear they have small wieners, anyway,” he says in an attempt to lighten the mood, making me giggle. “I’ll be here waiting for you once you get back. You’re it for me, Teresa Davidson. I’d wait a fucking lifetime if that’s how long it took for you to get everything you ever wanted. Don’t disappoint me by settling for anything less than you deserve.”
That does it. I can’t hold back the tears. Jake can be ignorant to the point of being obtuse. He can be selfish and downright rude. He can be an all-around asswhen he wants to be. But it’s in moments like these, when he bares his soul and allows me to peel back the layers to expose that soft center beneath, that I fall more and more under his spell. Every once in a while, he has a way with words that makes me want to melt into a puddle at his feet, and I can barely breathe around the fullness of my heart.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to enjoy anything without you by my side,” I croak around the walnut-sized lump in my throat. Jake nuzzles his nose against mine; his electric blue eyes burn into me.
“I’m going to miss you every second of every day. I’ll probably drive you insane with my incessant text messages and phone calls, and I’ll visit you every chance I get. But we’ll make it work. We’ll be okay, you and I. We have to be. I need you too much not to have you in my life, and I promise I will never stop loving you.”
I’m aware it’s a promise made with the utter conviction of a young and naïve heart. He doesn’t know what the future holds any more than I do, but I want to believe that nothing and no one has the power to tear us apart. That the soul-deep connection we share is strong enough to withstand any storm. I cling to his words with a desperation that scares me while I silently pray to the heavens to protect this rare and all-consuming love of ours. To keep it safe during our time of separation, so that we may get to enjoy the happy ending we both wish for and deserve.
Twenty-Three
Jake
“You better get in here, boy,” my dad calls from the living room the second I enter the front door.
By the time I’d gotten to work, the man had already left for the day. It should’ve been a relief, but the only reason he’s taken to knocking off early on Fridays is to get a head start on his weekend benders. I take my time shedding my coat and dirty work boots, giving myself an extra few minutes to work up the courage to face him. He sits on the couch like a king; legs spread wide, half-empty beer bottle resting on his thigh while he feigns interest in some college football game I know he doesn’t give a shit about.
It’s his idea of a mind fuck. He’ll let me stand here, gradually amping up my anxiety until I’m beginning to sweat, or he decides he’s ready to acknowledge my lowly presence. Sometimes, he ignores me for so long that my feet start to protest. I made the mistake of trying to slink away only once, thinking he may have forgotten about me. Never again. So I wait in awkward silence until he finally drags his attention away from the screen long enough to look at me.
“Is there anything you might like to tell me?”
I meet his stern gaze and will myself to remain calm, even though every fiber of my being is screaming for me to get the hell out of dodge while I still can.
“I guess you got a call from the school,” I mumble.
“Well, gold star for you. Seems like there are times when your guesses are hitting the mark.” I immediately notice the slurred speech, which doesn’t bode well for me.
“So?” he barks when I don’t respond, the word cutting through the air like a bullet.
“I was told that it’s imperative to improve my grades if I want to graduate at the end of the year.”
“And how on earth have you let it get to this point?”
Now, how to best answer that? I know damn well that nothing I say from here on out will please him. The question is which answer will cause me the least amount of pain.
“Stop staring at your goddamn feet and look at me like a man.”
Cheeks burning with humiliation, I lift my gaze.
