Page 20 of Before I Deserved You
Jake rewards me with a warm smile, lifts our hands, and softly kisses my knuckles.
“Now,” I say, unable to contain my curiosity. “Please, tell me what happened to your face before I explode.”
Thirteen
Jake
The genuine concern in Tessa’s amber eyes lets me know I can’t possibly draw this out any longer. This amazing, caring girl isn’t just my friend anymore. She’s my girlfriend now, and if I want to remain an important part of her life, I have to be willing to be a little more forthcoming about mine.
I won’t tell her the full extent of how bad things have gotten at home. It doesn’t serve a purpose. It’s not like her knowing the truth would change anything anyway. After all, this shit has been going on for years, and no one was the wiser.
My own mother didn’t even know. And if there’s one good thing that came out of her accident, now she’ll never have to. It would’ve killed her to realize she was married to a monster, and he was abusing one of her children right under her nose. I thought about telling her a million times, but I just couldn’t bring myself to break her heart. Something the son of a bitch had always counted on. He’s always treated me like shit. He was just a lot more careful of how he went about it when Mom was still around.
Now, the gloves are off, and he no longer has a reason to hide that side of himself. I fucking hate him. But I hate the thought of people finding out howweak and pathetic I am even more, so I’ll keep carrying his dirty little secret. I give Tessa just enough to make her feel needed but not so much that she’ll obsess over it.
“It happened last night.” Keeping my eyes on the ground, I grasp her hand a little tighter, drawing strength from our connection. “It was a pretty physical day at work, and my dad had been AWOL all afternoon, leaving Greg, the prick, in charge. That asshole is parading around, banging his chest like an ape, bossing us around, and yelling at people left and right. I hate working on his job sites, as does everyone else, but no one has the guts to say anything because he and my dad are best buds. Besides, my dad wouldn’t care. He doesn’t seem to care about much of anything these days.” I inhale deeply to tamp down the anger swelling in my chest. “Anyway, when Greg told us to call it a day, I was exhausted. I went up to my room to play a few songs and wind down before calling it a night. That’s when Dad comes home, drunk as a motherfucker. I’d arranged for Anna and Jude to stay at the Johnson’s overnight since I hadn’t been able to get a hold of him all day. Seeing as he reeked like a distillery, I had a pretty good idea where he’d spent the afternoon. He barges into my room, rips the guitar out of my hands, and throws it across the room. No warning, nothing. Mom bought me that guitar for my eighth birthday. It’s not just an instrument to me. It’s sentimental, so naturally, I got pissed.”
I pause and glance at her to gauge her reaction. When all I see reflected back at me is a hint of sympathy, I forge on.
“So, I jump off the couch and start shouting at him, telling him there’s no need to act like a dick. And before I have chance to unload all the shit I’ve been dying to say to him, he pulls his arm back and lets his fist fly.” I swallow hard as I remember the shock of it. He didn’t hold back this time. “I wasn’t expecting it, and he packs a serious punch, so I went down hard. I had to shake my head a couple of times to get my vision back into focus, and when I looked up at him, preparing to get my ass kicked for talking to him the way I did, he calmlyturned around and left the room. No apology. No explanation. Just left me sitting there, stunned and wondering what the fuck happened.”
When I glance at my girlfriend, she’s wearing a shell-shocked expression. Apart from what she’d witnessed in our kitchen a couple of weeks ago, there hadn’t been any other signs that things had taken a turn, and I’d wanted to keep it that way. Unfortunately, the multicolored shiner on my face speaks for itself, so I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Before my mom died, his violent outbursts were few and far between, and he always made sure to hit me where the evidence could be easily hidden. Truth be told, it never bothered me too much since it didn’t happen often, and I’d kind of gotten used to it over the years. It was just the way he got sometimes. I became pretty good at compartmentalizing and was usually able to move on from these events pretty quickly. But since the funeral, he’s been in a constant rage, and it’s getting harder and harder to pretend this shit isn’t affecting me.
“Has he done this before?” Tessa asks tentatively.
I shake my head and stare off into the distance, avoiding her probing gaze. I might be a decent enough liar when I have to be, but that doesn’t mean I like doing it.
“He was drunk. I should’ve known better than to get in his face the way I did.”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Huh?” I flick my eyes up to meet her fiery gaze.
“Making excuses for him. The last time this happened, you told me it was because you said something you shouldn’t have. Now it’s because you shouldn’t have lost your temper. The man broke your guitar for no reason. Something of great importance to you. Anyone would’ve gotten angry. You getting in his face and telling him to cut it out does not give him the right to get physical. That’s unacceptable, Jake, and there’s no excuse for his behavior.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right.” I pinch the bridge of my nose and blow out a tired sigh, hoping against all hope she’ll move on from this godawful conversation quicker if I agree.
“Are you going to be okay?” Her voice cracks with emotion and I hate that I’m causing her so much worry. Reaching out, I gently brush a tendril of hair off her cheek and tuck it behind her ear before I offer her a soft smile, letting her know it takes more than this to break me.
“I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to stress about it. I barely feel it anymore. The only reason it’s even such a big deal is because it’s visible.”
“No, Jake,” she replies, shaking her head and looking so fucking sad on my behalf I feel my cheeks flush with embarrassment. “The reason this is such a big deal is that a father shouldn’t ever be violent toward his children, especially after his family suffered such a devastating loss. A father should be protective of his kids and keep them from getting hurt, not be the cause of it. Stop telling yourself you deserved it and promise me you’ll talk to someone if it happens again.”
The anger she displays on my behalf soothes something deep inside me, and I can’t help but press a tender kiss to the side of her tense jaw.
“I promise I’ll get help if I feel like I can’t handle it.”
My answer doesn’t satisfy her, but I’ve taken a step in the right direction by opening up, and I can feel she doesn’t want to push her luck. If I know Tessa, she will be like a dog with a bone from here on out, and that scares me. I don’t enjoy deceiving the people I’m closest to, but I also don’t want to be the guy everyone pities. I don’t want my friends to see me in a different light, and I desperately want to keep my family from becoming the talk of the town.
I’ve tasted what it’s like to be gawked at and whispered about these past few weeks. It’s almost a relief that people seem to have moved on from our family’s tragedy. All it will take is one person to stick their nose where it doesn’t belong and determine that Anna and Jude aren’t safe at home. One phone call would cause CPS to come sniffing around. I’d lose my damn mind if the authoritiesever took them from me. They’re all I have left. My siblings are my responsibility, and I’ll keep them safe, no matter the cost to myself.
“I just don’t understand why he hates me so much.” I don’t even realize I’ve voiced my thoughts aloud until Tessa rubs my back in a show of support.
“Maybe it’s time for you to start asking some hard questions. I mean, what do you have to lose?”
I sit back, giving myself a minute to contemplate while I take in the magnificent view in front of me. And at this moment, with this incredibly beautiful, loyal girl at my side, I can almost believe that I’m strong enough to handle the truth.
Fourteen
