Page 28 of Mahogany 1

He was a big nigga. Had to be a good six foot five.

“Aaron,” he greeted. “Erika’s brother. My bad about all of this. Sis didn’t handle her situation right. Fucked up way to find out aboutyo’daughter, right?” He locked eyes with me and raised his brows for emphasis, probably waiting for me to deny her in his face the same way I did Rochelle.

What the fuck else was I supposed to do? Just take the little girl as mine?

“Don’t know if she mine yet,” I responded, pulling the test from my pocket, showing him. “But yeah, it’s fucked up, for real.”

Thought I was going to bitch up? Fuck no. I said I was a real nigga at all times. Didn’t give a fuck about her brother. At all. Didn’t give a fuck about Rochelle, the bitch sitting next to her, or the other nigga neither. Fuck all of them.

I might not have been a street nigga, but I didn’t have to be. Who I was, was embedded in me because of where I grew up at. I was considered a balling ass bookworm nigga for most of my teenaged years but that didn’t take away from my street cred. I didn’t need to be on a corner to be considered one of the realest. Didn’t need to sell drugs to be respected. Niggas in the hood knew not to fuck with me off my reputation alone. I was a one hitter, quitter. Had to be. It came with the territory. Growing up in the hood you either had to know how to fight or owned apistol. Didn’t have a gun, so you know the rest. I got out in the field, for real.

“I know that ain’t a DNA test,” He doubted, looking me up and down with a frown. “You think you about to swab my niece mouth while she in here, nigga?” Aaron asked with a frown.

I stuffed my hands into my pockets and turned my mouth down with a light nod. “Hell yeah, I am. You think I’m about to take responsibility and shit without knowing for certain? Right now? Hell naw I’m not. Put yo’ self in my predicament.” I paused and looked over at Rochelle. “She said I could do it; I’m doing it. Not like I just strolled in this bitch and decided to be disrespectful.”

Aaron looked over his shoulder at his mother and then back at me. “You think this the right time for that?”

I nodded with raised brows and the corners of my mouth turned up. “Yeah. Hell yeah.”

Walking away, I headed over to the bed with a heavy heart. She was a pretty little girl with long eyelashes and brown skin, covered in scratches due to the windshield shattering. Couldn’t tell what her eyes looked like. Couldn’t tell much really, but I did know she resembled the hell out of Spark’ when she slept. Little lips were puckered out the same way and everything.

I stood at the bed, looking down at her, steady grazing the back of the DNA test kit. I couldn’t bring myself to open it yet. Couldn’t stop staring at her. A two-year-old could possibly be mine. I swallowed, as fear crawled up the back of my neck, forcing me to put a hand there. I was pissed at Erika. When I saw her laid up in that hospital bed, on a ventilator, barely hanging on to life, I wanted to turn the machine off. Wanted to strangle her for real. Hell yeah, I wanted to kill that bitch at the time. The little bit of love and respect I had for her was tossed out the window the minute the nurse called me. I couldn’t believe she’d keep something like this from me. And to list me as anemergency contact at that? Fuck wanted to get news like that after the kid had been in a bad ass accident?

“You want me to do it, sweetheart?” Asked the woman sitting beside Rochelle, approaching the bed. “I’m Auntie Edna. I know, my great niece dropped a ball on you, didn’t she?”

Lightly, I laughed. “Yeah, she did.” With a pause, I shook my head. “Nah, I can handle it. I appreciate it though.”

Lifting a shaky hand, I went to swab the inside of Diary’s cheeks but for some reason, I couldn’t. I was uncomfortable. Immensely. Despite how pissed I was, the possibility of her being mine, laid up in a hospital bed because some dumb muthafucka put her there fucked with me. She was a fucking baby. She really didn’t deserve that. Didn’t deserve to live two years without me neither. I felt cheated.

I wasn’t heartless—I was in denial, running from a truth I already knew. Because I had a heart, I couldn’t look down at an innocent child and have complete disregard to her. Especially since there really was a good chance that the kid was mine. A nigga was scared.

Petrified.

A nigga had been working diligently on repairing his marriage, just for some shit like this to come out of the woodwork. It was like no matter what I did, I couldn’t get ahead. Couldn’t get to that sweet spot in my marriage without either me or someone else standing in the way of it. I was sick.

I knew off top that there wasn’t enough therapy in the world that would bring me back from this. I didn’t like the hand I was dealt. Hated it, really. Felt like this was a part of karma or something. I hated the shit, but what else was there left for me to do? What I knew already would be confirmed in a couple of weeks. Still… denial sat at the forefront. Told me to keep hope alive. Told me that God wouldn’t be punish me with losing Mahogany. He wouldn’t make sure I didn’t get thathappily ever after I didn’treallydeserve, right? Trying counted for something, didn’t it?

“You sho’? I can?—“

Before Edna could offer up anymore help, I took a deep breath and delicately swabbed Diary’s mouth, praying for results I knew wouldn’t come.

The ride homewas spent in a blur. I did what I needed to do, left right after, did my portion of the test and dropped it in one of the blue mailboxes. Didn’t bother visiting Erika at all. It was all business on my end. Rochelle asked if I was visiting Erika, I told her ass hell no. Literally. “Hell naw”. I’d wasted enough time up there. I was lying enough already. Spending time with Erika, conscious or not, would only be worst. I didn’t want to keep lying to Mahogany. Left that part of my life alone a long time ago. Felt like shit whenever I did. Guilt ate at me like a muthafucka, standing in that room, swabbing the mouth of my alleged daughter. I was fucked up. So fucked up that before I made my way to the crib, I hit the liquor store for another bottle of Don Julio.

I needed something to take the edge off, so I took a couple of shots and put the bottle in the glovebox. Because I didn’t want to smell like liquor, I popped a piece of gum right after. More sneaky shit, right? It was justified though. I’d rather come home lighter, a little buzzed, than with the weight of Diary hanging over my head. I could’ve poured up at the house, but I didn’t drink often so Mahogany would notice something was up off rip. I didn’t want her asking me questions about anything, at all. Wanted to put on a good face. Had to. Otherwise, I might fuckaround and crumble to a point where she’d really think a nigga was cheating, I’d stutter so much.

When I pulled up, I was pissed to see Hazel’s, Mahogany’s sister, car in the driveway. I was in no mood for company. I wasn’t in the mood for much of anything. A nigga had to put on a good face. I might’ve been buzzed, but still… my spirit was heavy. Luckily, as soon as I hit the crib, I had to shower so I didn’t have to sit up in anybody’s face, pretending to be alright for at least another hour or so.

I literally felt like this shit was going to kill me, the knot in my throat was huge. Shifting the car in park, I killed the engine and sat there a minute. This time, not to prepare myself for Mahogany’s distance, but to prepare myself in general. I couldn’t put into proper words what today and the days before had been like for me. Felt like I was living someone else’s life, the shit felt so strange. NeNe and I were working on our shit. Making leeway. I was receptive to therapy, she was trying, we finally had sex, and work was going good for the both of us. Felt like we had a fighting chance. Like the odds were in our favor instead of stacked against us. But life, bro. Life had a funny ass way to pull me right back down.

With a deep breath, I grabbed my things and got out of the car. Jogging up to the house, I put on aface, pretending today didn’t happen.

As soon as I walked in, you know who greeted me. Sparkle. Coming home to my family, especially her, made me a little uneasy. The resemblance to Diary was uncanny. I couldn’t deny it. So when she jumped into my arms to hug me, it was like being united with Diary instead. I almost wanted to drop Sparkle, low key. Didn’t want this shit to be on me as heavy as it was. The truth. It was on my back, in my mind, all over me. Deep rooted in my spirit.

“Daddy!” Sparkle shrieked before cupping my face with her little hands and planted a kiss on my cheek. “I missed you!”

“I missed you too, cupcake,” I told her before kissing her too.

That lump in my throat grew bigger.

---