Page 45 of Choices

He grabs hold of my thigh as he feasts on me hungrily, every inch licked and savored like he can’t get enough. My hands grip his hair, my hips grinding, needing more. Closing his lips over my clit, he sucks. My heart races as a warm swell of pleasure pulses through me and Cutter’s image comes to life in my mind.No. No.“Yes!” I cry out, squeezing my eyes shut.

As soon as the pleasure dissipates, shame floods in like an unstoppable wave. I can feel it beneath my skin, taking root and crawling into my soul like an infestation. When I open my eyes, his hands are at his zipper, and my legs close involuntarily.

An unamused smirk tugs at the corner of his mouth. “You ever going to let me fuck you?”

A tear leaks from the corner of my eye and tracks a wet path down my cheek. “Hold you?” He scoffs. “Spend the night?”

Silence.

I can’t form words.

“Fuck, Kit. He doesn’t deserve you.” The air leaves my lungs as a stone lodges in my throat. Pushing off the bed, his lips twist into a sneer. “And you don’t deserve me.”

I should say something—I want to say something, but I’m mute.I’m sorry.

“Another day, another party,” Diamond announces with a crinkle of her lips, placing a bowl of chips on the table. Her hair is extra poofy today, and she reeks of hairspray. A breeze carries in from the open fire exit door, bringing in a fresh scent of summer rain and ruffling Di’s dress with tiny rosebuds scattered over it.

“This party is special.” Rogue grins, slipping into the seat next to me. She places my beer down and swigs a mouthful of hers. She’s had a constant glow about her lately, and I envy her for it. Reciprocated love gave her that glow. Although I hate seeing her and Callan making out all the time, I’m ecstatic for them. Rogue already felt like a sister, and now Callan is making it official. My eyes dart to her ring as she holds the neck of her bottle, tapping the metal against the rim.

“How do you feel about Tim getting his patch?” Diamond asks me, keeping her tone low, her eyes sweeping the club to make sure no one is listening.

It’s still early. The club is only half full. Soon, it will be wall-to-wall with leather-clad bodies. We are tucked away at the back in Daddy’s old spot. A strum of grief twinges my heart thinking about him. Diamond doesn’t take a seat, and I wonder how she manages to stay in heels running around this place like a motherhen. The woman is built differently. Leaning against the wall, she almost knocks the picture of the dogs playing poker from its hook and starts fiddling with it to get it straight.

“He deserves it. I’m happy for him. What’s it matter to me?” I shrug nonchalantly but sound defensive even to my own ears. Diamond keeps my secrets and knows about me messing around with Tim, but that’s all it is: a distraction. And now, he’s going to become a patched brother if the rumors are to be believed. Things will become more complicated, so the less they dwell on the thought of us becoming something more, the better.

“You don’t deserve me.”His words rattle around my brain. I’d said something similar to Cutter years ago. And look at me now, still fucking hung up, still waiting, still heartbroken. What a fool I am.

Folding her arms, Diamond blows out a breath. “Well, he’s nothing like his brother, at least. Hopefully, we won’t be seeing his naked ass in the halls going at it like a jackrabbit with any and everything.”

Rogue snorts out a laugh. “Why can’t that man close a door or find a bed?” She shudders, shaking her head. “I’ve seen more of his ass than my own.”

“Sweetheart, I once caught him in the pantry with two women,” Diamond says, closing her eyes. “One, he was fucking, and the other one was fucking him with my rolling pin.”

“Shut up,” Rogue and I screech in unison.

“I’m serious. I had to throw away everything on the shelves below waist height just in case fluids contaminated it.”

“What about the rolling pin?”

“I wrapped it up for him and gave it to him from secret santa.”

Rogue clutches her stomach, rapt with laughter. “Imagine the splinters,” she chuckles, wiping a tear from her eye.

It’s an odd feeling, being surrounded by people you love, the joy in your heart for them real, the happiness tipping the corners of your lips and heating your cheeks, and yet an ever-present sickness in your gut churns with the stormy water raging in your chest, drowning your heart. I feel like I live in a constant battle between moving on and falling backward.

I’m tired. My soul is tired. Cutter’s blue gaze burns into me like the hottest part of the flame from across the room.I hate you. I hate you. I love you.

His eyes seem to find me whenever we’re in the same space, and every time they do, I forget he’s not mine—forget the pain he causes when he ghosts from my room while my body is still warm with his scent.“He doesn’t deserve you.”

“Stop staring. You’re feeding his ego.” Rogue snorts, grabbing my chin and swiveling my face in her direction. She taps her finger on the bottle of beer in front of me. “Drink.”

“I’m not touching that one,” Diamond says flatly, looking in Cutter’s direction and pursing her lips. “I have bowls to fill.” She waves a hand over her head as she takes off.

“Why can’t I make myself stop?” I whine, picking up the bottle and swigging the contents.

“The heart wants what the heart wants.” She sighs, biting her lip, her eyes roaming to my brother deep in conversation with Grease at the other end of the room.

My head shakes as I gather my thoughts. “Even when it can’t have it.”

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