Page 8 of Boyfriend Maintenance

“Of course, I’m just happy you finally found a line you love.” I was talking to Olivia one day a few months ago in the gym about skin care. She wasn’t loving her current products, so I told her about Envirogal and offered to bring her some samples. I might have gone overboard and brought her a sample or two ofeveryproduct we had. Look, I stand by the product and I love sharing it with friends and neighbors. Since then, I like to bring her fun stuff from the office.

She waves goodbye and I turn to unlock our mailbox. Becca is horrible at checking our mail, so I make it a point to check our box every night when I get home. I pull out a small stack of mail and head home.

It was a long day at work. We are doing some market studies on women's hair care, which Envirogal is considering branching off into. Before we can do that though, hours upon hours of market research, focus groups, and multiple surveys need to take place. Needless to say, I’ve been working some very long hours over the past couple of weeks. I could use a glass of wine and a good book before passing out for the night. Standing in the elevator, I causally look through the mail. Bill, bill, junk, the latest copy ofThe Progressive, and a letter addressed to me.

The handwriting is sloppy, and I know immediately who it’s from. Levi. Turning over the envelope in my hand, I carefully open it. It's a notecard, “from the desk ofLevi King” in gold embossed script. I fight an eyeroll. I open it up and read.

My dearest sister, I wanted to formally remind you that you are required to attend all the previously requested events leading up to my wedding. Since you have not RSVP’d to any of the events, I assume you are trying to figure out a way to get out of them. No can do, little sister. You must face the King family and support your amazingly talented, extremely handsome brother. If I have to be in attendance, so do you. Yours truly, best brother in the world.

I stifle a laugh as I unlock my door and walk inside.

“What's so funny?” Becca is sitting on the couch with her laptop in her lap.

I shut the door and drop the mail on the small console just inside the front door and place my keys in the dish that sits on it. “Oh, just this letter from Levi.”

“He sends you letters now? Can’t he just text like normal people?”

I sit down next to her and lean back into the comfy cushions. “Apparently, I haven’t RSVP’d to any of the upcoming wedding festivities. He was just reminding me that I needed to.” I close my eyes and sigh. I love just being home.

“That’s right, it’s all coming up soon. The wedding is in what, three months?” Becca shuts her computer and slides it onto the end table.

I don’t bother opening my eyes, but confirm, “Yes. But the engagement party is next weekend and then a couple weeks after that is the shower, which is a couples event. Barf. Clearly, I’ll be at the wedding, so I guess I didn’t see a need to RSVP right away. I’ve had the actual wedding invitation for all of two days. But you know Kitty.”

“I’m sorry I’m unable to attend the wedding with you, but I’m already booked at that conference.”

I can hear the sadness in her voice. She dislikes my family as much as I do, but she is always my plus one. I need someone to have my back when I have to spend time in the lion’s den. I don’t know if I mentioned this but Becca is a bartender. Since she comes from money, she’s what people lovingly refer to as a socialite. She doesn’t have to work. But she has a degree in economics from Columbia. And instead of actually working in that field, she bartenders at a swanky little place called Bar Eros.

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” I crack a smile, on the brink of falling asleep.

“I just hate that you have to face the vultures alone.”

“I won’t be alone. Levi will be there.”

“Um, he’s the groom. He’s not going to be able to hang out with you the whole time. He’ll be busy.”

She has a point. Ugh. Now my excitement level for the wedding events went from a solid three to a point-five.

“You know what you need?” she says.

I lift my eyebrow in question.

“You need a boyfriend. That way you drag him with you to those events and not only will you have someone who has your back, you’ll have that same someone to sneak off with when things get boring.”

Opening my eyes, I turn and look at her. “Sure, let me get right on that. I’ll just go get a boyfriend and on our second or third date tell him I want him to meet my family.”

“Ooh, you know what you should do? You should hire some guy to be your fake boyfriend.” She tucks her legs up under her and turns toward me. She looks excited.

I sit up, no longer relaxed. “I feel like this came out of nowhere.”

“I stumbled upon that old Debra Messing movie today. You know, the one where she hires Dermot Mulroney's character to be her wedding date. But he's a male escort, so it's pretty funny. I forgot how much I loved that movie. Then after that,Pretty Womancame on. So … it’s been festering in my mind all day.”

I chuckle. “Well, two great movies, but I’m not hiring a male escort to take home to my family who already has labeled me the black sheep.” I stand and head to my room to get into more comfortable clothing. A pair of leggings and a hoodie have been calling my name all day.

“Oh my god, Emmy. You would only hire an escort if you wanted to have sex with him too. And by the way,ew. I think you could find some nice guy—from work maybe—and ask him to do you a favor. Offer him some money for his time. Give him some basic family details and call it a day,” she says from the doorway of my room.

I’m standing in my hose and underwear as I hang up my dress. “No way. I don’t think I have enough money to offer up to the poor soul I would willingly take to meet my family. Plus, I don’t even know what the going rate for a fake boyfriend is these days.” I roll my eyes, sitting down to take off my stockings.

“Hmm … I would say since it's all wedding related, two grand an event.”

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