Page 54 of Level Me Up

"Calm down. I just…think that maybe you got a little trigger happy." I glare at her. "Stop giving me that look, Morgan. Hear me out. You guys just had your first fight, and you break up with him? You don't think that's a little dramatic?"

"You think I'm being dramatic?" I stammer.

"Kind of, yeah," she says with sympathy.

I process what she just said, and realize she's right. We had our first fight tonight, and I made it our last and only fight. The tears start up again as the realization overcomes me.

Gia scoots across the bed puts her arm around me and lets me cry. This, of course, causes me to cry even harder.

As this round of crying comes to an end, I peer up at Ruby. She offers a small smile and says, "You know you can apologize to him. I know you guys can work this out." At the same time, Gia gives my shoulders a squeeze as encouragement.

I shake my head. "No. We can't work it out. I might have jumped the gun on breaking up with him, but it would have happened sooner or later. I guess it's better this way. So, I didn't get any more attached to him."

Gia removes her arm and leans away from me. I steal a quick glance at Ruby, and she is gaping at me.

"Are you serious?" Gia asks stunned. "Morgan, did you really just sabotage your relationship with a great guy because you are worried if you keep getting attached to him that you will ultimately break up?"

"Yes," I squeak.

"Wow," she says with utter disbelief shaking her head.

Ruby clears her throat. "Why are you so convinced that your relationship with Dex was bound to end in heartbreak?"

"Because they always do!" I say more forcefully than expected.

"No, two have. You've only allowed yourself two relationships," Gia counters.

"Yeah, well, every guy I've ever cared about has either cheated on me or left me!" I say with my voice climbing an octave. "Ryan cheated on me. Dylan left me without even giving me a second thought and my dad…he just stopped being around. I wasn't enough for him after my mom died. See?! They all break my heart!"

I'm yelling at this point. Fresh tears are streaming down my face at the realization of what just came out of my mouth. I take a deep breath and say in a much calmer, but shaky voice, "I liked Dex too much, too fast, and that scared me. I refuse to get my heart broken again because that's what happens."

While Ruby has unshed tears in her eyes at my admission, Gia almost looks sated. Like that was what she wanted to hear.

"At least you finally admitted it." She doesn't say this in a cold, I-told-you-so tone, but instead laced with relief.

"You were never going to get anywhere in a relationship if you couldn't even admit that your dad pretty much leaving you after your mom passed away affected you as much as it did. As long as I’ve known you, you just brush it aside, like it doesn't matter that he was never around, but I know it does. And it's affected how you see yourself and how you navigate relationships."

I can only stare at her. I blink through the tears before I place my head in my hands and heave a huge sigh.

In an almost whisper I make one more admission, "He broke my heart the most."

Shortly after that, Gia and Ruby head to bed, and I am unsurprisingly unable to fall asleep.

~~~

I sleep almost the whole next day. Ruby and Gia are in the apartment. I can hear them moving around, and I can hear them talking, but I stay in my room and in bed. I promise myself one day to wallow. After that, I am going to move on with my life. I am going to focus on work and get through my growing pile of books I want to read. Admittedly, once Dex and I started dating, I didn’t get a lot of time to read. So, I guess there is something to look forward to. Maybe.

By early evening, I start to get restless and hungry. I haven't eaten at all today. I have decided to make my way into the kitchen for a bowl of cereal when I receive a text.

Dex:Morgan, I'm sorry about last night. Let's talk about this. I don't want this to be over.

My instinct is to say ok, just to be able to see him again, but I need to stay strong and stick to my decision. As much as I know I’m going to miss him, I know I can't see him again. More freaking tears fill my eyes; I thought my tear ducts had nothing left to give.

Me:But it is over, Dex. I'm sorry if it seems like I blindsided you last night, but I think it's better that we ended things now, before we became too attached.

Several minutes’ tick by before his reply comes through.

Dex:This doesn't make sense. I thought we had something good. This isn't right. It isn't you. The Morgan I know isn't scared of a good thing.

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