Page 44 of Spoonful

As for a place to stay…

Hiro had all too generously offered up Jaylin his guestroom to crash in, to store his few possessions while Jaylin looked for housing. It was what they had argued most about, because Jaylin struggled to think about taking something like that from Hiro.

But Hiro had all but begged Jaylin to stay.

“Please,”Hiro had said.“Please Jaylin, I just–I need you to be away from him. I need you to be safe. So stay with me for a little bit while we look for a more permanent solution for you. It’s nothing to me, okay? I just want you safe.”

Jaylin hadn’t been able to hold out long in the face of that. Forget that he didn’t have a place to go, he… hewantedto stay with Hiro. He wanted the comfort Hiro always gave him, always provided freely.

Jaylin wanted to feel safe too. He knew with all of himself that Hiro would give him that. So he’d managed thank yous and apologies and assurances that it would only be for a week or two while Jaylin scouredroommate wantedads. Hiro had shrugged it all off and thankedJaylinfor agreeing to stay.

Jaylin couldn't deny that it was so fucking unbelievably nice to have someone who genuinely wanted to take care of him.

This is all really happening.Jaylin tucked himself up into a ball under the covers.This is happening.Tomorrow he was going to have an intense, stress-filled day packing up his whole life and getting the hell out of dodge.

Saturday would be just as scary and stress-filled, because he was going to contact his phone company to get his cell number changed. Until that went through, he wasn’t going to jump every time Brent’s phone chime rang out because he was going toblock his number,and it wouldn't matter that he did, because even if Brent went to Jaylin’s old apartment, Jaylin wouldn't be there for him to find.

It took a long time for Jaylin to fall asleep, but when he did, he didn't dream.

Chapter 11

Jaylin was up before his alarm went off, which was pretty typical of him when he was stressed about a deadline. Instead of huddling under the covers until his alarm blared, he set his jaw and got up, determined to power through the anxiety that had seeped into his bones.

He stumbled through pulling his clothes on, then headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth and wash up. After checking the time again, he decided to jump in the shower, just to try to feel more refreshed. It was only a few minutes of soaping himself up and rinsing off, but it did make him feel better, even if he had to pull yesterday’s clothes on over damp skin.

He also liked the thought that by using Hiro’s soap, he maybe smelled like Hiro a little bit.

He caught sight of himself in the foggy bathroom mirror, ready to poke at his curls in despair because he didn’t have his products at Hiro’s yet so there wouldn’t be much he could do for them, but they actually looked a lot less unruly than they normally did in the morning after a night’s sleep.

Maybe the silk pillowcase really had done something. His heart squeezed thinking about it again. Thinking about Hiro’s thoughtfulness.

It was only fifteen after five when Jaylin emerged from the bathroom and crept into the kitchen. He wasn't surprised to find it empty, and tried to not feel weird about being in Hiro’s space when Hiro wasn't around. Instead, he went to the cabinets to grab two mugs and went to figure out Hiro’s coffee maker.

By the time Hiro walked into the kitchen minutes later, Jaylin was carefully sipping on his own black coffee and Hiro’s mug was waiting on the counter for him. Hiro gave him agrateful smile as he went to grab it, and Jaylin took a too-big gulp of hot coffee in response to how that smile made his insides flip-flop. Hiro’s hair was just-rolled-out-of-bed messy, sticking up at odd angles, and he was wearing a pair of plain gray sweatpants and a ratty t-shirt. The picture of him leaning against his counter sipping coffee Jaylin made was ridiculously endearing and cozy.

Is this what it could be like?Jaylin wondered. If he were able to actually have a real relationship like a real person. If he were good enough for Hiro, was this what mornings could be like? Calm and quiet, full of sleepy smiles? None of the sick feeling that followed unwanted touches, or heart-pounding anxiety from being kept from something he needed to do, or the mix of nausea-fury from discovering more marks on his body that he didn’t want?

It was a little infuriating to realize just how much Brent had gotten under his skin in the months they’d had their arrangement. To realize all the ways he’d made Jaylin’s life difficult on purpose, amusing himself by stepping on someone who was already covered in footprints.

“Hey,” Hiro said, breaking the silence. His voice was rough with sleep. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” Jaylin said. “Just thinking.”

Hiro nodded and leaned back against the counter, sipping his coffee. He didn't ask what Jaylin was thinking about, and Jaylin was grateful for it. It made him want to talk.

“I just…” Jaylin took a breath. “I haven’t really thought about it, you know? How hard things were. They justwere.I had to do it on my own and no one was going to help me, and I had to deal with it, so I did.”

Hiro looked like he actually understood. “That’s what surviving is.”

“Yeah,” Jaylin said, gaze dropping to the floor. “It’s just… it’s hard to look back at everything and see how it could’ve been all along. If someone gave a shit sooner, you know? Then maybe I wouldn’t have had to deal with him at all. I wouldn’t have–have spent the last eight months jumping everytime my phone went off, or feeling sick about having to limp to class, or–” the words wouldn't stop, thoughts he refused to even admit to himself, much less say out loud. How much of his life he’d spent eaten up by anxious terror, how often he’d clenched his teeth and taken it. “I wouldn’t be imposing on you either,” he added quietly, because that was a fear too. That he had taken so much from Hiro.

“First of all,” Hiro said, setting his mug down on the counter. “You’re not an imposition. I’m glad and grateful to be able to help you. And I know that’s probably difficult for you to even hear, much less actually believe, but I mean it every time I say it, and I’ll keep saying it until you do believe me.”

“Second–” Hiro took a step toward Jaylin before stilling and moving back to lean against the counter again, fixing Jaylin with a piercing look. “Second, this guy is a piece of fucking shit. I can’t even tell you how much I hate him and hate what he was putting you through, but you didn’t deserveany of it.You don’t deserve to be hurt, you don’t deserve to struggle or suffer, and you don’t deserve to feel bad or feel guiltyfor hurting.”

Hiro exhaled slowly, posture relaxing, and Jaylin couldn't look away. “You deserve kindness without having topayfor it. You deserve your dreams and countless opportunities and the chance to thrive. And I’m so, so sorry that it’s taken so long for you to catch a break.”

Jaylin blinked hard, the intensity of the moment forcing him to break eye contact as his emotions roiled inside of him. The idea that Hiro, who was so good, so kind, thought someonelike Jaylin deserved so much was overwhelming. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. “How are you even real?”

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