Page 87 of Forbidden Desire

Before I can say anything back, I hear the click of the phone. I look at it and frown. That was not how I wanted that to go. Had I read things wrong since yesterday? Meeting Josie at daycare. Dinner at the diner. Exploring the zoo. Maybe I wanted things to go so well that I let my hope skew my view on things.

Now that I sit here alone on the couch, knowing that Erica might not see things the same way as me and that she’s out doing her own thing, I feel even more alone. It’s unfair of me to hope she’s at home on a Saturday night. It’s unfair of me to feel jealous of whoever she’s spending her time with. She said she was at a friend’s place, but she was acting so strange on the phone. My mind goes to its usual jealous place, wondering if maybe she’s with another man. I wonder if Josie’s with her.

I remind myself thatI’mthe one who screwed things up when I told her I wanted her out of my life. She had every right to move on from whatever we had. Whatever wewere, if we were ever anything at all.

Maybe I should have gone out with Jacob tonight. I shake my head, thinking better of it, and start clearing the coffee table of the empty takeout cartons. Once it’s clean, I head to my bathroom to wash up for bed. I can’t remember the last time I went to sleep before nine, but I can’t think of anything better to do to escape my thoughts.

But I don’t escape them. Instead, I dream of Josie, but she’s older. She must be about ten years old and if I hadn’t memorized her face the first moment I laid eyes on her, I would have wondered who she was. But she has my eyes, no matter what age she is. In my dream I can see my hand waving at her from across the street from outside the school she’s at. I keep waving and she’s looking right at me, but she’s not doing anything. She’s not smiling. She’s not frowning. It’s as if she doesn’t see me at all.

I take a step toward her and somehow she’s getting further away from me, even though she hasn’t moved. I’m running toward her now. The school is getting closer, but she’s getting further with that same vacant expression on her face. I realize she doesn’t recognize me, making me run even faster, feeling frantic.

I wake up in a cold sweat, breathing heavy. I wipe my brow and sit up in my bed, shaking my head. What a terrible nightmare. A nightmare that was born from my newest, yet deepest fear, which is not having a part of Josie’s life.

I look over at the time on my alarm clock. It glows a cruel joke that reads four a.m. I’m groggy, but have no desire to go back to sleep for fear of revisiting the same nightmare. Instead, I pull the covers off me and pad sleepily over to my closet. I change into my gym clothes and head down to the gym in my apartment building for a workout.

As I punch the punching bag, I welcome the sweat that comes with it. The release I feel, like I’m decking my nightmare and all my fears square in the face. By the end of my workout, I’m drenched in sweat and utterly exhausted. Back up at my apartment, I take a hot shower and climb back in bed, welcoming sleep.

I wake up at noon and check my phone, hoping to see something from Erica, but I have no new notifications. I try to remember our conversation from last night. Did she say we could talk about it later or tomorrow? I can’t remember. Either way, it’s driving me crazy. I can’t stop thinking about them since I wandered into that daycare for the first time.

I thought that I was enamored with my daughter. And I am, but I’m also completely taken by Erica. I think I always have been, ever since I saw her in that champagne dress on the rooftop last summer. I think about how if I had never met her that night, then Josie wouldn’t be here. It was a lustful, reckless decision that led to something so beautiful. Something I had been so scared of when I found out, but now…

Now, the only thing that scares me is not being a part of Josie’s life. Of both their lives.

I don’t know the first thing about a healthy and functioning family. Apart from the relationship with my mother, the whole big, happy family thing didn’t work out with my father in the picture. I think because of this, fatherhood was never something I imagined for myself. I didn’t believe I could be any good at it, given the example I had.

As a child and into adulthood, I had been verbally ruined by him, from never feeling good enough in the artwork I proudly brought home from school, to the grades I earned in school, to the university I got into. He always expected more. My mother tried to make up for his lack of love and pride, and it was enough sometimes, but mostly it was a Band-Aid for my wounds. I thought that if I followed in my father’s footsteps by going into business, then maybe he would finally be proud of me. But even then, he pointed out where I could do better.

I grew to resent him for it, finding comfort in money, booze, women. Anything to distract me from the underlying hurt of never feeling good enough. I had to boost my pride with other things to fill the void he left, and still leaves long after his death. I don’t even think I cried when I heard the news about his heart attack. I didn’t cry at the funeral. My voice didn’t even shake at the podium when I read my speech about what a “great” father he was. Even in his absence, I still wanted to make him happy.

I never want Josie to feel like that. I never want her to feel anything less than perfect in my eyes. When I first found out about her, I was scared shitless, which was why I pushed Erica away. I didn’t want to screw her up, like my father did me. But seeing her in the flesh, her eyes finding mine and reallyseeingme, I knew I could never do anything to harm her. I knew I couldn’t live without her.

And I’m trying to show Erica that. I’m trying to show her that I’m serious about being in Josie’s life. Though we haven’t exactly talked about it, I’m hoping that my actions say enough, until we can have a real conversation. I know she’s scared. I can see it in the way she looks at me, or avoids looking at me. I can see it in the way she looks at Josie. I hate that she feels that way because of me. I hate that she felt she had to hide anything from me in the first place.

These are all things we need to talk about. I know I have to prove to her my intentions are true and I’m not the man she’s painted me out to be. I know her image of me is hued by the reputation I’ve earned as a businessman, especially when it comes to the newspaper she loves so much, but I know she’s seen the good in me too. She wouldn’t have come home with me that night. The first or the second time. I just have to make her see that I want her in my life. I want Josie in my life. I want to be a family, or something close to it.

Chapter 41

Erica

After my dinner at Sadie’s, I don’t hear from Marco for the rest of the weekend. My friends and their incessant whispering probably scared him off. I felt like I was in middle school when a crush would call, except Beth was the only one excited and Sadie was calling him foul names under her breath. I thought it would be better to just cut the call short, even though I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to hear his voice.

Now it’s Sunday evening, and I’m giving Josie a bubble bath before bed, sad that the weekend is over and I didn’t speak to him again. I don’t even know what Marco wanted. He had never called me before. Our communication was left to emails and texts, but a phone call was different. More intimate.

I know I could have called him back today, but I’m still trying to sort out the past few days. The past year, really. I don’t know how to process how we went from strangers to enemiesto something more, all while having a baby between us. A baby, who up until recently, I was the only one who knew about. I was the only one who loved her, protected her. Now, someone else wants to step in and do the same. At least, I think so.

I’m still unsure of Marco’s intentions, whether they’re pure or calculated. I think I know him well enough to know he wouldn’t want to hurt me or Josie, but then again, I hardly know him at all. Sadie pointed that out after dinner. Even though I had made it clear that I didn’t want to talk about it anymore, it’s not easy for Sadie to tuck away that mama bear part of her.

She told me she doesn’t trust Marco, and I shouldn’t either. She said I’ve protected Josie this long, that I can’t let a recent night of lapsed judgment with him or a trip to the zoo convince me that we can have some happy ending. Beth stayed silent, even though I knew what she was thinking. Despite how different my best friends are, I know they mean the best, and their intentions are always pure in wanting the best for me and my daughter.

“You’re a loved little girl,” I say to her now.

She splashes in the water, sending bubbles and water flying. I wipe the bubbles from my forehead and grin at her. She grins back through lashes that look even longer and darker now that they’re wet. I cradle her cheek before finishing her bath. I wrap her in her yellow duck towel and carry her to her room.

As I put her diaper on and a fresh pair of pajamas, I think about how lost I would be without her. Before Josie, my only purpose had been working at the paper and defying the patriarchal worldI was born into. Now, she comes before everything else. It’s like she gave me another purpose that I accidentally fell into, but now couldn’t imagine life without.

I settle into my rocking chair in the corner of the room and pull her close for a nighttime feed. I know these days are numbered, and the thought of her getting older brings tears to my eyes. Despite how challenging it’s been being a single mother, the days have gone fast, teaching me something new in each one. I don’t know if I’d ever be able to live without her, not even in a split custody situation. Which is why tomorrow morning, I plan on getting in touch with that lawyer.

The next morning, as Josie and I begin our walk to the subway station, I call April Goss. As much as she intimidates me, I know she’s a no bullshit lawyer, and that’s what I need. Plus, she doesn’t cost a fortune, unlike other lawyers I had looked into.

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