Page 55 of Forbidden Desire

Audrey:Josie is just waking up from her nap.

A photo of my sleepy-eyed girl flashing a gummy smile comes through. I smile down at the photo, and my heart aches in the usual way it does from wanting to be with her.

Audrey:I’m going to take her to the park for a picnic. Is that okay?

Me:Of course. I’ll be home by 6. Thank you, Audrey.

Audrey:See you then!

I put my phone down and run my hands down my cheeks. Tonight I have to let Audrey know that I won’t be needing her anymore. She barely worked for me and I already have to let her go. With my new salary, I can’t afford her anymore. It saddens me that Josie had started growing attached to her. I feel like there hasn’t been a constant in Josie’s life lately, and it’s my fault. I took her out of daycare because I found Audrey to nanny, and now that’s changing.

This is one of the reasons why I never wanted to tell Marco about Josie. I didn’t want him to walk out on her if there was a chancehe wanted to be in her life. That would crush me. Even though Josie is not even a year old, I can’t risk it crushing her too.

At lunchtime, I go down to the floor where the daycare is. I want to scope it out again, if there’s a possibility that I bring Josie here. It would be so easy to have her go here, rather than taking her back to the place near Beth’s flower shop. I wouldn’t have an extra stop in the morning or evenings to take her or pick her up. I could just bring her to work with me. I never did because I was too scared of Marco finding out about her, but now that he knows, I guess there’s no reason not to.

I look through the large, glass window at the pastel-painted room and the wooden shelves full of toys and puzzles. I see there’s a gated off area for newborns and another for babies Josie’s age. It looks like there is a music class going on. All the children and babies are in a circle watching a woman sing and dance while playing a tambourine. It looks ideal.

One of the daycare employees spots me and gives me a wave before heading over. She opens the door and heads into the hallway where I’m standing.

“Hello there,” she says.

“Hello. I’m Erica. I work up atThe NY Daily News.”

“Nice to meet you. You don’t have a little one in here, do you?”

“No. Not yet.”

“I didn’t think so. I know all the parents and their kiddos. So you have an interest in our daycare? How old is your little one? Or ones?”

“I just have my little Josie. She’s going to turn one soon.”

“Aww. Such a fun age!”

“I think she’d really like it here. I’m just looking at my finances right now.”

“Oh, well our daycare is subsidized by Vallejo, Inc. It’s probably a third of what you’d pay elsewhere. You can even have it come out of your paycheck each month for a percentage off.”

“Wow. That’s great,” I say, taken aback.

To have such a wonderful daycare on site and know that it’s mostly paid for is impressive. I give credit to Marco for thinking of his employees. Another way he surprises me by being less and less like The Shark people make him out to be.

“Let me grab you a brochure,” she says, going back into the room before emerging with a glossy brochure. “Look it over. You can even bring your little one in for a tour to see if she likes it.”

“Thank you. I just might do that.”

On the subway ride home, I look through the brochure and decide I don’t even need a tour. It’s the perfect place for Josie.She’ll be close to me. I can come visit her whenever I like. I can even take her out for lunch some days. I will feel so much better about coming to work, knowing she’s just a few floors away. I won’t have to rely on Sadie and Beth to help me as often either. They’ve already done so much.

I just have to do the hard part of letting know Audrey tonight. I take a deep breath as I unlock my apartment and see her stacking colorful plastic rings with Josie on the floor.

“Look who’s home,” she says with a smile.

Josie looks up and gives me that sweet grin of hers that is just for me. I scoop her up and smother her with kisses.

“Ma-ma,” she says.

“Hello, baby girl. Did you have a fun day?”

“We did,” says Audrey, getting to her feet. “The weather was perfect. After her lunch of smashed peas, she crawled all around the grass. She’s so fast!”

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