Page 79 of Forbidden Desire

Erica

As I watch Josie settle into Marco’s arms, my stomach feels unease and comfort at the same time, a juxtaposed combination that matches the thoughts swirling in my mind. I never thought this day would come, where Josie would meet her father, yet here we are and it’s like she’s known him forever. The way she looks at him, as if she’s staring into her own eyes, she is happy. At ease. At home.

And Marco…

It’s as if he’s held her all his life, in the way he cradles her against him. It’s almost humorous how this image of him contrasts too much with the sharp businessman he is. She’s completely melting him into something else. I can see it in the smile on his face. The twinkle in his eye. He’s completely smitten with her.

Most people are, but this is different. This is the moment he would have had in the hospital, taking his baby in his arms for the first time after the nurse handed her over. This is the moment he would have had when he woke up in the night to her cries and needed soothing. This is the moment he would have had when she bumped her head and needed to be held to ease the pain.

Part of me resents Marco for missing all of those moments.

He missed my pregnancy. My morning sickness. My sleepless nights. Putting together a crib. Babyproofing everything. It was one of the loneliest periods of my life, though I had help from my best friends and my brother. Even with them, I knew I was on my own in this thing, unable to share it with the person who makes up the other half of my baby.

He missed my labor and delivery, and the usual dramatics that take place right before. My water breaking riding up the elevator of my apartment, and me unable to get a hold of anyone to take me to the hospital. It was the middle of a workday, so I can’t blame anyone for not being at my beck and call, even though they were on baby watch. So I took a cab alone to the hospital, clutching my belly as it tensed and released, leaving me gasping for breath from the pain.

There had been no time to really settle in at the delivery room. The doctor told me the baby was coming quickly, eager to enter the world. Eager to meet me. So eager that I had no time for an epidural, leading to one of the most painful, but powerful moments of my life. Beth and Sadie were at my side as soonas they got my messages, grasping my hands as I pushed and screamed, my face turning red and dripping with sweat.

Through it all, I wondered how different it would have been if I had told Marco about my pregnancy. If he would have been the one there, holding my hand, coaching me through everything. But then I pushed one last time, and I heard Josie’s cry, and any thought of him floated away with the sound of her. She was here, and my world now revolved around her.

Now, seeing him with her in his arms, I can’t help but resent him for missing it all. As if I have any right to.I’mthe one who kept everything a secret from him. I’m the one who didn’t allow him the choice to be a part of my life, or his baby’s. But there’s no going back to that day in the hospital, or the choices we both made on the night we met. I can’t regret the latter because Josie wouldn’t be here.

Marco kneels down to the floor, placing Josie on her feet as she grasps his long fingers to balance. She sways slightly before finding her footing.

“Look how strong you are,” he says in amazement.

Josie giggles and waddles toward him, showing off her steps she’s been practicing with the help of anything she can grab hold of.

“Go, Josie, go!” he chants.

I’m not used to hearing her name come out of his mouth. I’m not used to any of this.

It feels surreal. Just this afternoon I was meeting with a lawyer to make sure Marco won’t be a part of Josie’s life. It had been harsh hearing the truth coming from an outsider’s perspective. I felt myself squirming in my seat under the weight of her questions, under the weight of the predicted outcome.

I was supposed to come up with an agreement for Marco to sign, stating he would stay away from and never be able to ask for any rights to his daughter, and now I’ve led him right to her. I don’t know what I’m doing. I plop down on the floor next to them both, my legs weak.

“You okay?” asks Marco softly, eyeing me warily.

“Mhmm.” I nod.

I forget he knows me better than I realize. In the weeks we spent together, working closely and finding our way back to each other, it sometimes felt like he knew me better than I knew myself. I watch him look back at Josie, his eyes dancing with a joy I’d never seen before. He looks even more beautiful than he normally does, and it’s hard to look away. Somehow, fatherhood was made for him, and he just started.

I wonder how I’m supposed to tear this moment away from him now. It won’t be easy. I probably made everything one thousand times harder by bringing him here to meet her. I wish I could see the moment for what it is. A father falling in love with hisdaughter. But the reality is he can take her away from me. Easily, according to that lawyer. I wonder if I should have chosen a different one, or if they all would have been as blunt as she was.

Josie waddles over to Marco and plops herself down in his lap, pulling a crinkly book with her. She holds it above her head, a silent demand for her to read it. I can’t help but laugh.

“Bossy little thing.” He chuckles, taking the book.

He begins reading the small amount of words on each page.

Apple.

Bear.

Cat.

She’s eating it all up. I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting there, until I see the lights of the daycare begin to dim. A sign they’re closing up.

“Sorry to interrupt,” says one of the workers. “But it’s that time.”

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