Page 191 of Zero Chance

“And I kind of wondered if she was right?—”

“No,” he started to growl and tighten his arms around me, but I held up a hand, silently asking him to let me finish.

His jaw tightened, but he nodded, letting me continue.

“Maybe it wouldn’t happen the way she assumed it would, but—you mean everything to me, Keene.It’s scary how important you are.And if you were suddenly gone from my life—like if youdiedor—or anything—I don’t know how I’d handle it.And I don’t like that.I don’t like not knowing myself.I don’t like how unstable I could get or how—how—I’m just so afraid.Of myself.Of everything,” I admitted, lifting my gaze to him and feeling tears of dread shimmer in my eyes.

He cupped my cheek and looked into my eyes, where my pain was reflected in his swampy, green-brown depths.

“Jesus, Waverly.Okay…” He nodded and gently ran his hand over my hair.“Let’s unpack the first, biggest issue here, alright?Yes, we’re both going to die someday.It is a complete certainty.And I can only hope that I go before you do?—”

I started to shake my head savagely.But he just kept talking, ignoring my dread.

“And if I get my wish,” he went on, “you’re going to be able to move forward without me.And do you want to knowwhyI’m sure of that?”

I blinked at him, shaking my head because I honestly had no clue.

He smiled.“BecauseIknow you, even if you don’t know yourself.I’ve seen you grow and change and bloom in these past few weeks.Your will’s gotten even stronger than it already was.You’ll keep going.You’ll keep going because you’ll be one hundred percent secure in the fact that I loved you until my dying breath, and I’m going to spend the rest of my life making sure of it.”

Feeling tears drip down my cheeks, I brushed them away with my fingers and shook my head.“Losing you would devastate me.”

He grinned a little smugly.“Well, I should hope so.I’d be offended if youdidn’tmourn me.But I’m going to love you so hard, it’s going to imprint itself on your soul and you’re going to have a piece of me with you wherever you go.You got that?You’re not going through this world alone anymore.”Taking my hand, he placed it over his chest.“You’ve got this supercharged, badass booster in your back pocket now.And knowing it beats for you is going to power you through even the loss of my fine-ass body.Got it?”

I nodded and ran my hand in a small circle over his chest, honored to be the woman he loved.

“God, Waverly,” he went on, gazing at me proudly.“If only you could see yourself from my eyes.I’ve watched you stand up to your mother for the first time ever.You’ve stood your ground on arguing with me about fuckingdirectionsand everything library related.You’ve learned about your own sexuality, about what you like and don’t like.You’ve built friendships with Xander and Alec and everyone else.You’ve faced ghosts.You’ve crawled out of your own comfort zone and fuckinglived.And while I loved being there for all of it, those lessons won’t just go away if I do.They’ll stick with you, no matter where I am.You can stand on your own two feet and be your own person.”Winking at me, he stroked a finger over my cheek.“I just hope I can be around for as long as possible to witness what comes next.”

Tears of pleasure filled my eyes, and I smiled.“Thank you,” I whispered.“I hope you’ll be around for a while too.And you have my love to boost you along as well.I hope you know that.”

No matter how damaged and bruised it was, my heart was his.

“I’ll take it,” he answered with a grin before kissing my hair and tightening his hand around mine where it rested on his chest.He sighed.“Now about my dad.”

I groaned.“Trust me.I know you’re not him.”

But he felt the need to explain himself, anyway.“I know I share alotof similarities with him.”

“Keene—”

“I’m the spitting image of him.I flirt around and charm everyone in my path the way he does.But…” Shaking his head, he cringed.

“You’re not him,” I repeated, knowing that.

And he said, “No, I’m not.Because he didn’t lose his mother who was raising him alone when he was nine.He didn’t get six best friends who were there for him every step of the way afterward, making sure he chose the right path.”Interlacing his fingers with mine, he studied our connected hands before murmuring, “He never learned how rewarding it is to care for other people more than you care for yourself.And he’ll never know true love because of it.”Drawing our hands to his mouth, he kissed my knuckles.“I feel sorry for him because he’s not me.”

I think I did too.Because Keene Dugger was my favorite person on the planet.

Touching his cheek with my free hand, I confessed, “I’ve wanted you since I was nine years old.”

His fingers tightened around mine as he winced.“You’re the girl who was waiting to die.At the center, on the first day it opened, we met in that circle of chairs.Didn’t we?”

I nodded.“And you’re the boy who took my hand and told me he liked weird people.”

Tears sparkled in his eyes as he flashed me a big grin.But it fell into a hissed curse a moment later as he kissed my hand again.“I should’ve dragged you with me when Alec and I snuck over to the older boys’ group.”

“I should’ve run over to you when you motioned me to follow you,” I countered.

“Fuck,” he muttered, gnashing his teeth.“This never would’ve happened to you if we’d been in the same share circle.If you’d been inourgroup, we would’ve accepted you and drawn you in until you had no fucking interest in going into Sprout’s office; you would’ve wanted to stay with us.And if I’d stayed where I belonged, I would’ve noticed a change in you afterward.I know I have my issues, but I would’ve been intuitive enough to realizesomethingwas off, and I would’ve done something about it.”Shaking his head, he sobbed.“I would’ve done something and stopped it.Jesus.”

---