Page 62 of Just My Type of wrong guy

You’ll come back home while I wait for you,

watch over my sleep, hold me close.

Be my joy, my guiding star, and cry with me when I need to…

Mel da Sua Boca - Copacabana Beat

Thalia:But are you happy?

I stare at the phone like it’s a snake, just waiting for it to strike at me. The four words, which I’ve read and reread countless times before sleeping, still block my throat this morning with the same intensity as last night.

I am happy. There’s no doubt about it.

I went on tour with the world’s most famous band for six months; I’m the one who shares one of their most famous songs; I gained more followers in six months than I ever imagined I would; the captions on my posts have to be in both Portuguese and English because, although the international market hasn’t opened up for Alexandra Saldanha, lover of Samba and MPB, it has noticed Alex, who sings with Vicious – and I don’t want to miss any of that.

And now I’m on vacation in one of the most incredible cities in the world, sharing a house with a guy who, despite the short time, I already love calling a friend, a title I don’t just hand out to anyone.

So… the answer to my cousin’s question seems to be a simple one: Yes, I’m happy.

But every time I typed those words, yesterday and today, my mind decided to rub the truth in my face, like some subliminal message:You’re happy in a way you never planned,achieving things you never imagined, at the cost of sacrificing your career.

And it hurts, because it’s unfair to me. This is part of my career too. But some dreams turn into black holes when they’re left unfulfilled.

Even though I’m afraid to admit that following this alternative path is making me happy, I swallow the lump in my throat and type a response to my friend:

Me:Sometimes I miss home. I wonder what it would’ve been like to be in Brazil doing my shows, accepting all the sponsored posts and becoming a subcelebrity who sings on the weekends until I get my “big break.”

Me:But sometimes, just sometimes, I smile, grateful to God for conspiring to put me exactly where I am right now.

Me:I just don’t know if I’m doing this out of genuine gratitude or because I’ve accepted failure and am grateful for having had something to hold on to.

I send the message and close my eyes, taking a deep breath. I was as honest as I could be.

The response comes immediately.

Thalia:But are you happy?

I smile at the screen, because Thalia wouldn’t respond any differently. And it’s this warmth that pushes me to accept the truth.

I type that I have no reason not to be happy, and I tell her how nice it’s been to take a break after a tour in Europe. Something immeasurable and that truly makes me happy, even though it’s not the greatest dream of my life.

As I write the words, however, tears of pain, homesickness, and loneliness trickle down my cheeks. Because part of me knows that I’m just lost, I just need someone to hold my hand and remind me that nothing happens by accident. Anadult, someone experienced, to tell me about a similar moment, a similar crossroads.

But that person doesn’t exist. My mom, my partner in impossible dreams, is gone. And my dad simply doesn’t care enough.

***

I leave the room after my text exchange with Thalia turns into a call, and we talk about everything but work. Which boils down to my friend telling me about her crushes, teasing me for living with A.J., and making plans for when I get back.

All because I need comfort, and I’m terrible at asking for it.

For the first time in a long while, I’m home alone. I know this because A.J. isn’t in the living room – where he always is – and the house is in complete silence. Even though I’m surprised he didn’t send me a message to let me know where he was, I smile at the possibility of having the place to myself for a while.

I open the living room blinds and ask Alexa to play my playlist of Brazilian music, but in random mode – I like the false sense of being surprised by songs I’ve already selected.Cajuby Liniker starts, and I ask Alexa to skip it because today’s going to be a good day, no matter what.

The next song is more upbeat and makes me dance while I rush to the kitchen to make some toast.

One of the few things I’m glad I learned how to make from cooking shows is this avocado toast – sounds gross, but it’s delicious when you actually eat it.

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