Page 56 of Thinking It Over

“Unfortunately,” he started, and my stomach dipped, my blood rushing through my ears, “Jim still hasn’t provided us with a definite answer. He actually has until the end of the school year to let us know if he plans to return or not, and until we know, my hands are tied.”

I bobbed my head in understanding. “Is that normal, for staff to leave it so late?” My voice was tight.

“Not really.” Austin grimaced. “Most staff are usually great at giving us as much notice as possible to help us plan accordingly. I’m only guessing here, but I think because Jim would be retiring, his decision is bigger than most.”

Once more, I bobbed my head, disappointment and frustration battling it out inside me.

“I have spoken to the board about the position, though,” he added. “And they’re in agreement that should the position become permanent, I can offer you the contract.” His whole focus was on me, no doubt reading my reaction.

While a semblance of relief filtered through me at hiswords, there were ifs, buts, and maybes attached. I curved my lips upward a fraction, saying, “Thank you. I’m relieved to know that I’m doing a good enough job that I’m first in line.”

I saw the struggle on his face, in his body, knew he wanted to reach out and touch me. It was in the tension, in the apology in his eyes. But we’d agreed to keep this about work. Instead, he said, his voice soft, “Jasper, you’re an incredible teacher. There is no doubt in my mind that the position is yours should I become able to offer it to you.”

My smile came easier, despite being aware that I had no choice but to apply for those positions I’d found a couple of days ago. Just like I had no choice but to ask, “May I use you as a reference, please?”

He sat up a little at that, his body taut. Seemingly reluctantly, he nodded. “Of course, Jasper, whatever you need.”

“Thanks.” I pulled in my bottom lip, not liking the shift in atmosphere. We were both feeling it, and I was sure our emotions mirrored each other’s. Exhaling, I stood. “I’d better get going.”

Quickly standing, Austin nodded. “Okay.” He hesitated a moment before asking, “Will you stay with me tonight? Come home?”

Heart hammering, it made it difficult to focus or doanything more than nod. This wasn’t his fault. Plus, there were those ifs, buts, and maybes. “I’ll meet you there,” I said as I backed toward the door. Needing to offer him something genuine, hoping to ease some of the worry in his eyes, I said, “I’m so happy you’re home.” With that, I turned and left, the urge to keep walking and maybe find a bar to have a few shots chasing me. Instead, I headed to my classroom to ensure I was ready for the rest of my afternoon.

My last couple of periods went surprisingly well, considering my head wasn’t exactly in the game. I still managed to get through my lesson plan, and I still managed to come away feeling as though 75 percent of the class understood the concept of figurative language, so I took that as a win.

I waved off the last couple of students from the final period, wishing them a good night.

Nervous energy pumped through me. While I couldn’t wait to properly catch up with Austin, I was all too aware of the guilt that had played out on his features during our meeting.

I hated that things weren’t easy, but it wasn’t in either of our control to change things. It meant I had to suck it up and just do my best and hope that things wouldn’t be strange between us.

There was also the knowledge that I had to let him know I had a handful of positions I planned to apply for. The request for him to provide a reference told him I’d be doing so, but the actuality of me going ahead had consequences.

I sighed as I opened my laptop, needing to input some data I’d gathered from one of my earlier lessons. It wouldn’t take long, and then I’d be able to head to Austin’s place.

I’d already told Mom not to expect me home and had brought a change of clothes with me too, but while I worked, I had the need to speak to her, my disappointment threatening to get me down.

“Hey, Mom,” I said when she picked up.

“Hey, Jasper. Everything okay?”

There was no surprise she was asking, as yesterday I’d told her about my situation.

“Yeah. I will be.” She remained quiet, her tell for me to continue. “The guy I was covering for has yet to hand in his notice.”

“Oh.” The one word was quiet. “Any idea if he will?”

I shrugged, despite being on the phone. “Not sure, and Austin didn’t say.”

“That makes sense,” she said. “The last thing he’ll want to do is get your hopes up.”

“I know,” I agreed. “It just sucks, you know?”

“I know, darling. But whatever happens, you’ll get itfigured out.” After a beat, she added, “You will. Have faith.” She understood my silences so well. “You still not coming home tonight?”

“That’s the plan,” I said, refocusing on inputting the figures in the spreadsheet.

“Good. Talk it out and be honest. It’s the only way any relationship can survive.”

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