Page 130 of Did They Break You

But it would be something they’d discuss beforehand, right? Maybe that feels different.

Either way, Van hasn’t mentioned it to me at all.

And with my thoughts on Maya, despite the fact Ryann said Van hasn’t ever been with just one person, the first thing I ask is, “Have you told him all this?” I try to keep the hard edge out of my tone, but she must hear it, because she puts her hand on my knee and squeezes before moving it back.

“Yeah, of course. We agreed we could do what we like, as long as we communicate.”

I swallow, surprised we’ve never talked about it, and kind of hurt. I know, though, I’ve only got myself to blame there. Or maybe it’s not just me keeping secrets in my friend group. I tip my cup up to my lips and take a drink before I respond. “Huh,” I say quietly, unsure what else to say.

“He said you’ve been through some shit,” she continues, and I stiffen, turning to face her, taking another drink as I do, my eyes on hers over the top of my cup. She shakes her head. “He didn’t say what, said that was your story to tell, but… I’ve been through some shit too. And today is your birthday.” She gestures to all of the people on the lawn, clouds of marijuana smoke in the air, laughter, too. “I guess the point of all this is… Do what youwant, Remi. Whether it’s hide in your room, sit on this step all night, or have a wild and crazy threesome…do what you want.You can change your mind at anytime, but for now, you can do anything.”

Her voice is low with those last words, then she leans in close to me, her mouth inches from my ear. She smells like vanilla, and her breath like vodka. Maybe she’s drunker than I thought, but I kind of like how she smells.

Maybe I’m drunker than I thought, too.

The little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

“I’m going to a cabin down the road with Van,” she whispers. “There’s harder drugs and hornier people.” She laughs, and a chill runs down my spine. My fingers close tighter around my cup. “Wanna come?”

No.

That’s my first answer. An instinct, loud in my head.

But her hand comes to my thigh again, and I clench them together.

I think about Van.

He’s so safe.

I don’t know if I want to have a threesome with him and his girlfriend, but it’s my birthday.

I can do whatever I want.

Those texts from Maya to Cortland flash in my mind, too.

“You can live your life how you want. Fuck the rules, you know, Remi?” Ryann continues, her lips so close to my skin.

I swallow. Think of the scars on my arm. The self-loathing in my veins. Running from Cortland and pretending I hate it when he finds me. It’s not normal. It’s not good.But it’s where I’m at right now.

“Yeah,” I finally say, “I’ll come.”

CHAPTER

THIRTY-SIX

CORTLAND

I don’t wantto be here.

The cabin is crowded, someone is snorting a line of coke off the table, another group of guys are fucking around with a bong that goes up to my knees, and some chick is dancing half-naked in front of the projector screen on the wall of the living room.

And I just walked in two seconds ago.

Storm is at my back, Brinklin beside me, and Chase is in front, surveying the half-naked girl’s tits bouncing before he glances back at us with a smile.

I ignore him and turn to Storm, who’s looking at me.

“I wanna leave,” I tell him.

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