Page 78 of Did They Break You

By the end of the night, I’m wishing I had.

“Did you know?”I ask Dr. Ravi, deciding to stop beating around the bush. Ten minutes I’ve been sitting on this plush, cream-colored leather chair and ten minutes Dr. Ravi has asked me everything but the important questions behind her desk. And now that I’ve woken up in his bed, let him walk me to my dorm, texted him in the night, and can’t get him out of my head,this is important.

She’s scribbled a few things down on her notepad, but now she drops her pen, her eyes coming to mine as she clasps her hands together over the notepad. She doesn’t have a ring and although we’ve never discussed it, I don’t think she’s married. I’d guess she’s in her late thirties, maybe early forties, and I wonder if she ever wants to be married or doesn’t give a fuck.

I wonder if I’d ever get to that point.

Trusting someone enough to bind myself to them in an official ceremony with a ring heavy on my finger. When I was stupider, I’d entertained that idea, with Cortland. Thinking he’d whisk me away from my stepdad and all of his bullshit.

It was just a pipe dream. One I knew, even then, would never come true.

“Know what?” she asks me.

I sit up straighter, glance at my backpack between my feet. I think of last night, his arm around my shoulder. How I told him we couldn’t do this. He texted me this morning but I’ve tried to avoid him the best I can.

I can still feel him. Still smell him.I felt safe walking with him.

And that night in his bed, I slept so good.

I haven’t discussed him at all with Dr. Ravi.

Haven’t talked about the party before school started. How I faced all of them. How I made Cortland bleed. How he got me back.His cum stuck to my skin.

I swallow it all down as I bring my gaze to hers. “That Cortland was back.” Saying his name makes me squirm.

Dr. Ravi doesn’t visibly show any sign of discomfort, but she takes a few moments to answer, and I know that’s her way of ensuring she says the most appropriate thing. I keep staring at her, itching to get out of this room and wanting to hear what she has to say all the same.

“Yes,” Dr. Ravi finally concedes. I knew she did, the way she reminded me of having her number the session before last, and how I ran into Cortland right after. But still, hearing her confirm it feels a little like a betrayal. Before I can say anything, though, she keeps talking. “I did know, but I couldn’t disclose it to you at the time, as he isn’t a...” She takes a breath, dropping her gaze for a moment, her brows furrowed together, a line forming in her forehead. “An offender.”

I force myself to laugh and she looks up again, apprehension in her eyes. “Right,” I say, clenching my thighs with my hands. Again, I feel him on my back.

So similar to how Chase felt.

But different, too. And that’s what I don’t like most. To me,they’re different.

“Maybe I could transfer?” I throw out, even though I have no intention to do so. The academic scholarship I have is too good to throw away, even for him. Besides, my stepdad would never agree to fork over more money for me to abandon the year I’ve been here. He’d see it as another failure.“Don’t be like your mother, Remi.”The problem, I think, is he wanted me to bejust like her.

“Or maybe I could drop out altogether.” I shrug, still holding Dr. Ravi’s gaze, the anger growing under my skin as I think about last night.

What I said about Maya.

Fucking Maya.I relapsed this morning. Looked up her social media, and saw she posted photos of them together the Friday night before school started. The Friday night he cornered me in the woods.

I’m so stupid.And so is he.

Dr. Ravi is staring at me, and it’s like she can read my mind, the way her gaze is so intense.

But she can’t know: I haven’t told anyone what I’m doing. How he keeps following me around. And I keep letting him.Why am I keeping his secrets? Since when did they become mine, too?

“I mean, he always wins in the end, doesn’t he?” I bite out.

Dr. Ravi shakes her head. “He doesn’t have to, Remi,” she says quietly. “Don’t give him that satisfaction. Letting him uproot your life all over again.”

I don’t think she’s supposed to say things like this, but I’m not going to stop her.

“You were here first,” she presses. “You’re majoring in English.” She folds her arms over her chest and leans back in her chair. “He isn’t. It’s both of your second years, you probablywon’t see much of him as it is. You two can orbit far from one another.”

I chew my lip, looking down at my hands, wondering why I don’t just tell her about what happened.

---