Page 20 of Sins and Salvation

Knowing that he wondered about me, asked about me, that hurts like a motherfucker.

"What did you tell him?"

"That his father lives far away. That it was complicated."

"The grown-up answer for everything."

"What was I supposed to say? 'Your dad ran away because his father threatened to kill us both'? I didn’t even know that, and I did not need him having abandonment issues."

I flinch. "You could have told him I didn't know about him."

"Would that have made a difference? You still left." She puts down her beer. "Do you know what it was like? Finding out I was pregnant after you disappeared? Your brothers refusing to tell me where you'd gone? Your father threatening me when I showed up at your house?"

My blood runs cold. "He threatened you?"

"He said if I ever came back claiming my child was a Donovan, he'd make sure neither of us lived."

Rage boils up, red-hot and untamed. Even from the grave, my father finds new ways to make me hate him.

"I didn't know," I say. "I swear to you, Maeve, if I'd known about the baby?—"

"You'd have what? Come back? Risked your life? Made it all worse, for all of us?"

Everything I want to say sounds empty, meaningless and won't change the past.

"What matters is now," I say. "I'm here now."

"For how long? Until the next threat? Until your father calls from his grave?"

"He's dead. He can't hurt us anymore."

She laughs, a brittle sound. "His ghost is what brought you back to Dublin. His ghost is why Russians broke into my apartment. His ghost is why my son is sleeping in a strange bed tonight. Your siblings are not exactly saints Declan, Cormac, Finn, your sister wherever the heck she crawled off to. You lot have been at each other throats since you could walk, nothing has changed."

I move closer, drawn to her like a moth to flame. "I came back for the funeral. I stayed for you."

"You didn't even know I was still here."

"I hoped." I reach out, touching her cheek. "Every day for seven years, I hoped."

She doesn't pull away this time. "You broke my heart."

"I know."

"I hated you."

"I know that too."

"I tried to forget you."

I step closer, our bodies almost touching. "Did you?"

She looks up at me, conflict in her eyes. "No."

Her admission changes something in the air between us.

I lean down, my lips inches from hers. "I never forgot you either. Not for a single day."

She puts her hands on my chest, neither pushing me away nor pulling me closer. "Declan..."

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