Page 45 of Seeing Grayscale

“Excuse me?”

“What will it take to make you keep me around? I thought what we were doing was good—fun.”

Crap. Did I read him wrong? “It was. But if you recall, I did get your verbal agreement that it could andwouldend at my discretion.”

“I’m not a business contract, Hunter. You can’t justterminatea person.”

“I wasn’t insinuating that at all—”

“Who is it, then? Because your last one got iced out when you met me. Who?”

My jaw clenches as he throws a very real fact in my face. Like I said, I don’t double dip like many single people do. And when someone new catches my eye, I tend to move on quickly and seamlessly, avoiding the part where attachments form. It’s how I have to be. I make sureeveryoneunderstands that beforehand so there are no surprises.

Casual is fucking casual, damn it.

“Have a nice evening, Brent,” I say and press on the gas.

By the time I get to my house, my mood has tanked into the gutter, worsening as I walk into the cold, clinical environment so void of life that it might as well be a tomb. My furniture is minimal, the walls bare, and upstairs in my bedroom, it’s even worse. If not for the lack of suitcases, one would think I lived out of them. The only sign of life in this place is my unmade bed, which I left this morning because my headache couldn’t be beaten into submission.

Working my tie off my neck, I toss it onto the floor, getting angrier by the second.

My skin is on fire, a layer of imaginary filth clinging to it. No matter how clean I am, I can still feel that grime of an infection coating every surface of my body. Breaking things off with Brent brings back memories I don’t want to deal with—can’t deal with, or else I’ll claw my flesh off.

Doctor Perry ran my tests last week.

I’m fine.

I’m clean.

I’m always safe and careful.

Nothing like that will happen again. I won’t allow it.

But I still rush to my shower, stripping like my life depends on it. I still turn the heat as high up as I can stand it and scrub myself raw. Having Brent insinuate that I crossed those lines, that I already found someone to replace him because I sampled it and decided I liked the taste, pisses me off.

Maybe it’s because it’s true.

Maybe I did find someone else.

I don’t know.

I can’t make sense of my obsession with Gray. Where does my kindness end and my selfishness begin? Has there ever been any distinction? Or were they always intertwined?

Thereissome sense of gratification with him, even if it isn’t the sort I’m used to. Maybe that’s why it’s better.

Fuck, I need to know if he’s okay. If he found somewhere for the night.

I need to knowwhatday his mind will change.

TWENTY-TWO

“Idon’thaveanymore,”I tell One Tooth Ray.

He’s been pushing me to get more pain pills, and in the back of my head, I know I’m due to get the refill according to Doctor Perry’s orders, but that means asking Hunter.

If I ask, he’ll come here.

He’ll come forme.There’s no doubt in my mind.

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