Page 156 of Seeing Grayscale

I shoot to my feet when I see his car cruising up the street. My art canvas is tucked under my arm, I can see my panting breaths in front of my face, but I’m burning up.

The car parks a ways down from me. Sound dims all around me when he gets out. I spot his hair, that effortlessly styled look fromyearsof pushing the strands back. Then I see his clean-shaven face. His beard isgone.

My heart thumps faster and faster.

Dressed in some blue jeans and his peacoat, he steps onto the sidewalk, walking towards me in…hiking boots?

His signature suit and tie are nowhere to be found as a man I barely recognize prowls closer. Determination lines his jaw, his eyes fixated on me, and if I look past the obvious exhaustion in them, I see something desperate and wild.

His cologne breaches my senses first, the wind easily carrying it directly into my nostrils. Up close, the smooth face and missing business attire make me question whether thisisHunter. Without the beard and suit, he looks so young. He's so fucking handsome. It takes my breath away and makes my knees buckle.

“Gray,” he rasps. Even after only two days, hearing his voice sends a swarm of butterflies loose in my belly.

“I got a job.” It bursts from my lips as I cling to my canvas like a shield.

He glances down at it, then back at me. The dimples that always warred with his facial hair are clear as a blue sky as they pop in his cheeks, smiling at me and warming me from the inside out. “I knew you would.”

“It’s at a warehouse and—” He steps closer. My insides swoop, and I stutter. “I-I load the t-trucks.”

His advances don’t falter. He’s right in front of me now. The heat from his breath whips across my cheeks, and his hand lifts. “You’ve been busy.”

I swallow. “Yeah.”

“The suit looks good.” He doesn’t ask where I got it. And he also doesn’t look around to see who is watching. That hand plucks at the suit jacket lapel, and I shiver. “Sorry.” He takes a step back and shoves his hands in his jacket pockets.

“You shaved,” I say, changing the subject.

“It was time.”

“What…what else have you been doing?”

He searches my face, and I feel my cheeks heat. “Something I should’ve done a long time ago.”

“Okay.”

A nervous laugh bubbles out of him, and he shakes his head before quickly raking a hand through his hair. “I had this whole speech planned, and now that I’m here and you look…you look so confident, I feel like it’s not good enough.”

I don’t feel very confident. I might just shit my pants. “Tell me anyway.”

“I’ll never be able to undo what I did. It’s something I have to accept. When the time came to buck up, I cowered. Everything I said to you the other night…every word was just a scapegoat. A way to disguise what I was doing as something else. And I hurt you. I’ve never wanted to hurt you, and I did it anyway because I was scared of hurting myself more. When you left, I realized just how deep my selfishness goes.”

He’s not completely selfish. I know he’s not, but that night, what he did and said was selfish.

“Keep going.”

Taking a breath, he straightens his shoulders and says, “Coming out didn’t hurt me. Not in the way I thought it would. Other than my dad, no one seems to fucking care. And he already knew about me. I don’t think he’ll ever stop hating me.” The way his voice breaks tugs at my heartstrings.

There’s that pesky feeling returning with vengeance.Care.I care so much about this man that I’m willing to push aside all of this just so he doesn’t hurt.

But I can’t. Not yet.

He hasn’t proven himself.

These are just words and hope is for assholes.

I needproof.Tangible evidence that he means what he’s saying.

“I told you that we could never have a real relationship. That it’d have to be a secret. The first time you needed me, I pushed you away out of fear. I’ve hidden you, lied about you, used every trick in the book to keep what I feel for you in check. And I did it knowing that you were holding nothing back. I did it knowing you trusted me fully. Ihatethat I couldn’t see what you showed me, Gray. But I see it now. I swear that I do.”

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