Page 137 of Seeing Grayscale

I’ve been upfront and honest with the people I sleep with.

I make sure to donate to charity.

I’m not prejudiced or intentionally cruel.

So why do I feel like a monster?

Why do I feel like this is the biggest mistake I’ve ever made?

We weren’t supposed to fight. I wasn’t supposed to make him fall apart and cry.

Fuck, I…I triggered him.

Blind, that’s what I was.

I take another step forward, hating that I can’t just run after him. Why can’t I? What’s stopping me?

Earlier, I was so certain that hearing those three words from my dad reaffirmed that I was doing the right thing. Keeping the mask, living a lie, proving to him that I was worth those years he spent raising me and taking care of me.

My dad’s sacrifices were worth it because I’m a son he can be proud of.

I think about my mom, about how she left us. Our conversation pushes through the fog of heartache, reminding me she left forher.At the time, it felt selfish. It felt like the worst thing a mother could do. In some ways, it still feels like it. Howcan you just walk away from someone you’re supposed to love unconditionally? Even if it hurts to stay—even if things aren’t ideal…

Grab a mirror.

No. No, this isn’t the same thing.

She is my mother, and Gray is… Gray is… Fuck, what is he?

Obviously, he isn’t unconditional, because from the very beginning, conditions have been placed, despite insisting there weren’t. The first time he sought out my comfort, I pushed him away. I made him afraid—made him think it wasn’t okay. I flat-out told him we couldn’t become intimate, butIwas the one who couldn’t stop crossing the line.

And now…all those promises I made—the ones I firmly believed to be true in the moment—mean fuck all.

I broke them.

I promised it was real.

I promised I wasn’t pacifying him while knowing it wasn’t possible.

I promised that I wouldn’t abandon him and I can’t fucking move. There’s nothing for miles out here—and even if he manages to find someone to take him back to his hometown, how safe is that? Both hitchhiking and the streets?

Could I have worded things differently? Better? I’m positive I could have.

When he started to panic, freak out, and curse me, could I have stopped and given him more? Of course, I could have.

But why didn’t I? Why did I let it spiral so far out of control that Gray is gone and I’m still unable to do anything about it?

You’re a coward.

I told Gray as much back when we first met. I’ve never been brave.

A braver man would chase him down, drop to his knees, and beg for forgiveness. He’d swear to make things right, and he’ddo it.I’ve hidden behind careful words for too long, all the while knowing their true meaning. After all, Iama politician’s son. I’ve been trained to maintain an image, to shape a story into whatever it needs to be to suit my best interests, and how to get rid of any obstacle interfering with either.

I hope you’re proud of me, Dad. It worked. I really am a politician.

I have said it so many times, but it took hearing it from Gray’s lips to truly believe it.

He deserves better.

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