Page 142 of Seeing Grayscale

My chest burns with this fierce ache radiating within it.

I spent hours earlier just fucking berating myself. I paced this tarmac until my feet cramped. I screamed at the stars until my throat went raw.

And now…now I’m lost.

Logically, I know everything that has happened isn’t so terrible. Careers can change, relationships end, and children often disappoint their parents. The facts of my situation only highlight the many flaws of being human, how easily we make mistakes. But logic doesn’t take away my fears nor relieve the weight off my shoulders.

I’m at a crossroad with my eyes peeled so far open they burn.

My dad knows.

He fuckingknows.

Was he lying yesterday when he said he loved me? Or did he mean it regardless of what he knows? I can admit I’m desperate to believe the latter. I want that so fucking bad it nearly brings me to my knees. But he still demanded I get rid of Gray. He still chose his image over his son.

He chose his career over his son.

He choseeverythingover me.

After everything I’ve sacrificed and done to prove myself to him, he still forced my hand and cost me what I’m certain is the love of my life.

“You’re just like them,” I say to no one.

Because it’s true, I am just like my parents.

Selfish.

I prefer the mask over my real face because it’s easier and makes everyone happy. Hurting the person who should matter the most, just to avoid the backlash of the truth being known. My mother hurt me so she could run away. My dad refuses to offer even a scrap of his love because it makes him seem weak. And I let Gray go back into the cold, unforgiving bleak because I’m too much of a coward to change any of it.

I don’twantto be like my parents. I don’t want to lose my identity to a fallacious image that suits everyone else. Gray’s text shoots through my psyche like an ice pick, a poignant reminder of my failures as his lover and friend.

Why did you give me the opportunity?

Frustrated, confused, and hopeless, I toss my cigarette to the ground and stomp on it. My hands grab at my hair as I spin in place, looking for any semblance of a sign that’ll help me make a fucking decision.

Or better yet, help me decide what means more.

The promise of love and companionship? Unconditional, new, and bright? Or the mold I’ve come to accept as my own skin? The shame of hiding who I am. The invisible filth I’ve never been able to scrub off of me.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” I whimper, biting my cheek hard enough to taste blood.

While I’m on the verge of tears, I spot the security guard driving over. The little golf cart putts over the tarmac until it reaches me, and Leonard climbs out of it.

“I know that look,” he says with a warm but sad smile.

I grumble something unintelligible.

Leaning against the car hood beside me, Leonard lifts his left hand and stares at the gold band around his ring finger. “When I thought it was over between Matt and me, I had the same look.” His dark brown eyes snag with mine. “Although I don’t think I screamed as much as you have been.”

I slump my shoulders and stare down at my feet. “I can’t stand myself or what I’ve done. Screaming seemed like the best option.”

“You’re too hard on yourself, Hunter.”

He isn’t wrong, but I don’t need another reminder. “How did you and Matt resolve your problems?”

Leonard smirks, staring off in front of us. “I realized that I didn’t like how my life looked without Matt in it. It wasn’t easy for us to talk about it all, but we did. I laid it all on the table for the first time in seven years. Nothing is ever perfect, but we don’t need it to be. As long as we can carve out some chunks of happiness along the way, feel safe while doing it, and enjoy the person we pick more than anyone else, I think that’s the best anyone can aim for.”

“So you stopped trying to get the impossible, is what you’re saying?” I glance at him.

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