Page 68 of Read Between The Lines

* * *

I woke in the middle of the night with a pounding headache and a desperate thirst, my adrenalin pumping after a vivid nightmare in which Blake Jenkins was chasing me through the streets of Oxford. I felt my way to the bathroom in the dark and took a long drink of some toothpaste-tasting water to calm myself down. I’m at Leo’s house, I’m safe, I repeated in my head until my heart rate returned to normal. As I rinsed the cup out and put it back on the edge of the sink, the fabric of the t-shirt tickled the back of my legs. It felt so intimate to be wearing Leo’s clothing, especially as I had nothing of my own on underneath. I thought back to that moment in the car when he’d gently stroked his palm across my ribs. How I wanted to experience that sensation again, only this time for real.

Back in the hallway, my eyes now adjusted to the gloom, I hesitated. There were two doors in front of me– my bedroom and Leo’s. There was nothing stopping me from softly knocking on his door and asking to go in. Nothing but myself. But somehow in the timeless world of the dark, it felt like it would be easier to make that move, to tell Leo, and perhaps even show him how I really felt. As Caro would say, what was the worst that could happen? Do it, my heart urged. Just that one step forward could change everything. Why shouldn’t I take a chance on happiness? I had dithered for long enough, telling myself that I wasn’t worthy of a man like Leo. Perhaps it was time for me to stop listening to that voice of negativity and be brave enough to trust my heart instead. I raised my right hand, curling my fingers into a loose fist ready to rap my knuckles against the wooden door.

Then I heard Leo’s voice inside the room.

‘Yeah, of course. Try not to worry. It’ll all be sorted soon, and then we can get back to normal. Night, Jill.’

My hand fell back down by my side. He was on the phone with Jill. His fellow rowing coach. The ‘someone close to me’ who he’d supported through the very worst of times. That was probably what he was doing right now, continuing to be a listening ear for a woman who was still struggling. But the niggling voice of doubt at the back of my mind suggested another explanation for the late-night phone call with its hushed, intimate tone. Perhaps Leo’s relationship with Jill was even closer than he’d admitted to me. After all, he had made a big point of saying he wasn’t in the market for a date when we’d started our investigation. I’d interpreted that as him meaning he was content in his single status, but it was very possible that I’d got the wrong end of the stick. Had I once again allowed my imagination to see things that weren’t there, to create another fictional happily ever after with a man who was equally unavailable as the so-called Brian James, although for very different reasons? Would I never learn my lesson? I turned on my heel and quickly fled back into my bedroom, praying that Leo hadn’t heard the creak of the floor beneath my feet.

ChapterTwenty-Six

‘Hope you slept okay,’ said Leo the next morning when I went downstairs. I quickly examined his expression, worrying there was more to his words, but he seemed thankfully unaware of my midnight dilemma. He cheerfully poured me a coffee and set about preparing some scrambled eggs while I sorted the toast. I tried to ignore how right it felt, sitting around the kitchen table together and sharing breakfast, almost like a real couple. But that was out of my reach. There was the Jill factor to consider, after all. Although a nagging voice of reason suggested I’d latched onto that unknown because it was an easier excuse than the other obstacle standing in my way– my own self-doubt.

‘So, what do you want to do now?’ asked Leo, as if he’d read my thoughts.

It was a good question.

‘Well, I can’t stay with you forever,’ I said, forcing a levity I didn’t feel into my voice.

‘I’m sure I could find some extra space for shelves to house your book collection,’ he responded, matching my jokey tone. Once again, I searched his features, hoping to read something more there.

I gave myself a mental shake. What was the point in hoping, while I was still leaving so much unsaid? I would never know if a life with Leo was possible unless I found the courage to take a leap. Ultimately, the pain of potential rejection would be less damaging than the regret of not even trying, I told myself. Maybe it was time to follow through on the promise I’d made to myself when I stayed at Caro’s, however much the prospect of doing so frightened me. As I had vowed, I would finish the investigation and then confess to Leo how I felt. And whatever happened next would happen.

‘We need to bring this situation with Brian James to the endgame,’ I said, leaning forward and fixing Leo with a serious look, determined to take that next step.

The relaxed humour disappeared from his face. After a moment’s hesitation, he nodded.

‘Okay, here’s what I was thinking,’ I said.

I elaborated on my stage door idea, then spent the next few minutes listening to Leo trying to come up with alternatives. When he eventually fell quiet, I shook my head.

‘No, I don’t see any of those suggestions working. And I don’t think you do either. If I “accidentally on purpose” bump into him in the street, I’m worried it’ll be easier for him to get away. And carrying on monitoring him without taking action isn’t going to change anything. In your heart of hearts, you know that my plan is the best option we have.’

Leo frowned. ‘I’m still certain we can think of something else which doesn’t involve such a level of risk to you.’

‘But I’ve already explained how we can mitigate that risk. I’m sure Moira will swap shifts with me so I’m free for Blake’s matinee this afternoon.’

In fact, she’d probably be falling over herself to make the offer, imagining all kinds of starry-eyed dreams involving me wanting to spend a romantic day out and about with Leo, or perhaps even one where we didn’t stray beyond his bedroom. I forced my mind away from that too-tempting image.

‘I’ll wait for Blake Jenkins after the matinee show, play the besotted innocent who’s thrilled to discover he was really a “famous actor” trying to keep a low profile all along, and go from there. I’ve been messaging him about how very desperate I am to meet him, so hopefully he’ll assume that I’ve taken the initiative. It’ll still be sunny and there’ll be lots of people around. And if he does get funny with me, I’ll kick up a massive noisy fuss, exactly like you advised in our self-defence class.’

Why had I mentioned that? I needed to concentrate, not get nostalgic about rolling around on the floor with Leo in the gym.

‘I still say it’s a weak plan. There are too many variables in it. And because it’s daylight it’ll be harder for me to follow you both without being detected,’ he pointed out.

I decided to ignore his interruption. ‘Then I’ll persuade Blake to come with me to a pre-arranged meeting point like the coffee shop around the corner, so you’ll know exactly where we’re going. We’ll sit in the window where it’s nice and public. And then I’ll confront him.’ I tried to sound as convincing as possible. Privately I agreed with Leo that my plan was full of holes, but I needed to do something to resolve this situation.

‘Just like that, you’ll confront him. It sounds so simple,’ said Leo in a disbelieving voice. ‘And then what happens? While I’d love for him to roll over and confess everything to you, unfortunately, I think it’s highly unlikely it’ll work out that way. At best he’ll laugh in your face and deny the whole thing, then where do you go? You’ll have played your hand and he’ll have realised how flimsy our evidence is. And at worst, he could get very angry and lash out, public place or not. Angry people are unpredictable, and there are far too many unpredictable elements to this scheme already.’

‘I don’t think Brian slash Blake is the lashing-out kind.’

‘He seemed pretty physical to me from what I saw on the obstacle course and when he was prancing around the park yesterday,’ said Leo, subconsciously flexing his fingers as if already preparing for a confrontation.

‘It’s one thing showing off your strength in feats of endurance, quite another using it against a woman in full view of a busy coffee shop,’ I said, hoping I sounded more confident than I felt.

‘You’re forgetting the fact that he’s been living down the road from you,’ pointed out Leo.

---