Page 18 of The Typo

‘Ottilie Havers? From theExaminer? I’m Amy Cameron, from the comms and marketing department.’ Let’s hope she didn’t realise I was the sole member of that team. ‘I’m so happy to welcome you to the Edinburgh Variety. Thank you for coming to tonight’s performance. We’re very excited to have you here.’

She shook my hand, her face a polite mask of indifference. There was no hint of recognition there. Although I wasn’t surprised, I did feel somewhat affronted. I knew that my performance was merely one of the thousands she’d reviewed over the course of her career so far, and that it was probably a good thing she didn’t remember it or me, but I couldn’t help feeling it was unfair that an evening which had marked me so indelibly had left no impression on her whatsoever.

‘Press pack?’ she asked, holding her hand out.

I nearly dropped it on the floor in my nerve-induced clumsiness, but then I gave myself a mental shake and fought to put on my best professional mask of competence. ‘Sure, I’ve got it right here. And I can email it over, too, if you like.’

‘That would be helpful.’ She gave what had taken me hours of careful work a cursory glance and then dropped it into the bottom of her overlarge handbag, where I was convinced it would remain until her next clear out.

‘The show is due to start in a quarter of an hour, but we are offering complimentary hospitality for members of the press beforehand, if you’d like to follow me to the Stalls Bar,’ I suggested. ‘I know it’s not Burns Night until tomorrow, but we’ve laid on some haggis—traditional and vegan—plus there’s a fine selection of whisky.’

Ottilie wrinkled her nose. ‘Thanks, but no thanks. I don’t accept hospitality of any kind. I can’t be seen to engage in anything which could be misconstrued as bribery. I always insist theExaminerpays for my tickets to shows as well. It doesn’t make me very popular with the accounting department, but I’m not in the business of keeping people happy. It’s important to be honest. If they’re going to make me review theatre as well, I need to be very clear about such things.’

I got the impression that this was a speech she made regularly.

‘Absolutely, quite right too,’ I said, because it seemed to be the response she was expecting. And although it meant that my plan to ply her with enough booze to make her feel kindly towards tonight’s performance was out of the window, I took the one small comfort that I could find, which was that we’d sold at least one ticket.

‘Is it always this quiet here?’ she barked, looking around at the near empty foyer. Colin, who was meant to be on duty in the box office, was playing a game on his phone, while the usher was reading a magazine.

Had she started writing her review already? I wouldn’t be surprised. I surreptitiously moved to block her view of the doorway through which there was, alas, no throng eagerly queueing for tickets.

‘Many of our regular audience members come straight from work so arrive fairly close to show time,’ I said, plucking the first plausible sentence that I could out of thin air.

She pursed her lips, clearly not believing a word I’d said.

‘Let me show you to your seat,’ I said. I kept up a steady stream of chatter as I led her up the stairs and into the stalls.

‘The Variety is a classic music hall in that it was originally a room above a pub—that’s where our box office and the foyer are now—very much the sort of venue where the working class of Edinburgh would come and sing along to the popular ditties of the day. We’ve got some newspaper articles in the archive which talk about how people would shout obscenities at the performers if they didn’t like their act. Obviously, we discourage that kind of behaviour nowadays.’ Why had I brought up the idea of people not enjoying what was on in the theatre? No need to plant that suggestion at this early stage.

Ottilie didn’t smile back at me but she did scribble a couple of notes on her pad.

‘I’ll send you a copy of them, if you like.’ I knew I was trying too hard with her, but the combination of my past encounter with the woman together with my desperate need for this evening to be a success meant that I was in full-on sycophant mode.

I thought I detected a faint nod of agreement. It was a slim chance that she’d be distracted by the Edinburgh Variety’s history, however fascinating it was, but I had to try.

‘Here you go, best seat in the house,’ I said, gesturing at the chair. I thanked my lucky stars that whoever in the box office had taken the call from theExaminerto book the ticket had decided to put her in one of the few seats where the velvet hadn’t worn through to reveal the discoloured foam beneath it. I hovered for a second, wondering whether I should offer to stay during the performance. But I’d seen enough of it during the tech run, and I figured if she didn’t like accepting hospitality from a venue, she certainly wouldn’t appreciate the comms manager peering over her shoulder while she did her job.

I decided the safest thing to do was go and hide out in the office and pray to whatever divinity there might be that Ottilie Havers felt more kindly towards experimental theatre than she did to nervous debut violinists.

* * *

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Date: 24 Jan, 21:56

Subject: Brief signal window

I’ve written this in advance and I’m going to hit send as soon as my mate who works on the bridge tips me off that the satellite connection is back up and running again (actually crawling would be a more appropriate description). How exciting for your friend to be making the move abroad, although that must be a big change for you. Maybe you’ll be able to visit her in Australia and combine it with a performance at the Sydney Opera House. Isn’t it one of those stages on every musician’s bucket list? When I visited Sydney, I was unfortunately too stuck with the work schedule to go and take a look, which is one of my biggest regrets. There’s nothing more frustrating than travelling to places but feeling like you haven’t actually been there or experienced the best of what it has to offer.

When we get to port, I’ll be able to send some pictures of the penguins in Antarctica which you’re welcome to share with your friend and her little one. It will be a good education for Percy the soft toy penguin to know what his compatriots are up to while he enjoys life in warmer climes.

You asked about hobbies aside from photography. I would say travel, but as I’m doing that for work, mentioning it feels like cheating. It’s always been my ambition to visit all seven continents, and doing this job means that’s another one ticked off my list. Reading is a favourite pastime, obviously, although I would elevate that from hobby status to basic life essential. One of the things I’ve enjoyed most about shipboard life is being able to spend time with my nose in a book when I’m not working. The ship’s library is a godsend. As you’d imagine, it’s stocked with lots of amazing tomes about Antarctica but there’s also a small and eclectic mix of fiction left behind by guests past and present. My favourite section is the book exchange where people can swap out their reads and take stuff home with them. It reminds me of those lovely telephone box libraries which seem to be very popular at the moment. In fact, thinking about them has given me a brief whiff of homesickness. The UK sometimes feels like a very long way away.

Back to the point, I suspect I won’t be able to squeal with you immediately about a murder mystery series as the limited selection of books available to me means I’ve been going through a non-fiction/travel books phase. Maybe after this trip I’ll have enough material to write my own. But I’m always keen to have recommendations, so please do let me know the name of your favourite books, crime or otherwise, and I’ll see if I can source a copy. You never know, one of the guests might have left a volume in the exchange.

I should produce another hobby or two to round this off. So here goes. I enjoy rugby union, watching, not playing it, and I’ve also been known to dabble in competitive jigsaw puzzling. Yes, that is a thing. I’ll leave you with that thought, and will look forward to hearing more about what you get up to in whatever free time you have between your performances.

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