Page 48 of Can I?

I nodded repeatedly as I swallowed hard.

“Make sure you clamp that muthafucka with your knees until the mark out! You got this shit!”

When I saw Mr. Red approaching me as I got to the chute, I already knew what he was coming to do. My mama had told me how he calmed her before she rode by quoting scriptures. I hoped that was what he was coming to do for me. Closing my eyes, I tried to prepare my heart and mind for whatever he would say, making sure they were open to receive every word.

He grabbed my hands and said, “I was going to ask if you would be receptive to me quoting scriptures for you to calm your spirit and soothe your mind, but I can see that you are already there. Your mother must’ve told you what I did for her and Legend.”

I nodded. “Yes, sir. Please . . .”

“Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee.”

I took deep breaths and could immediately feel myself calming down. The trembles coursing throughout my body had slowed. Mr. Red truly had a gift from God, but I also knew that my faith in that very thing had helped as well.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

The trembles were gone, and I could feel a warmth penetrate my soul as Mr. Red’s thumbs caressed the tops of my hands.

“I can feel your calm, Miss Milana. God is good. I’ll quote one final scripture. Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us.”

I opened my eyes and smiled at him. After taking a deep breath, I said, “Amen. Let’s do this.”

I climbed the back of the chute and slid down to the horse, allowing Carter Legend to get me situated. Mr. Red’s scriptures stayed on my mind, especially the last one.I’m more than a conqueror through Christ.Once he was done getting the rope tightened and I’d gotten my hand situated in the rigging, I turned my attention to Red Squared at the gate. He was waiting on a head nod from me, and the second I gave it to him, he swung the gate open.

I was sure to have my feet above the horse’s shoulders until I crossed the mark out as my mama drilled into me during ourpractices. It was like I could hear her voice instead of my own.“Hang on, Lana! You got this shit! Swipe them legs, roll those spurs on his ass, baby! Show that muthafucka who the boss is!”

Before I even realized it, Mr. Legend was riding beside me, pulling the rope loose so the horse would stop bucking. I didn’t get bucked off! My back was screaming, but I made it the eight seconds! When he pulled me over to his horse, I could hear my family screaming for me like I’d just won a belt buckle.

When he slowed, I dismounted and jumped high. Before I could land, Mr. Legend was right there with me. He picked me up and swung me around. “You did that shit, baby girl! What I told you? I could see the beast in your eyes! Come through, Lil Tiff!”

He pushed me on my shoulder, making me laugh. Mr. Red approached and hugged me too. “Whenever you gon’ compete in barebacking, let me know. I’ll be there for you.”

I hugged him again. “Thank you so much. I can’t wait to tell my mama.”

“She gon’ be proud, baby.”

“Milana!”

I turned to the gate to see my mama standing there with my cousins, and I ran right toward her. She opened the gate and ran toward me as well. When I got to her, I crashed into her as she laughed. “I saw it, baby. You did it. I’m so proud of you, Lana.”

I kissed her cheek as the tears fell down mine. “That means so much coming from you, Mama. What could I work on now that I know I can stay on and endure?”

“Just to stay calm and relaxed. You looked a little tense. You should look like you in a rocking chair on that bitch. That’s it. You got this shit! I always told you that you could do it. I just been waiting on you to actually believe it for yourself.”

I hugged her tightly again. “Thank you, Mama. How is everybody?”

“They good, baby. You know we some fucking gangstas in Big City Nome. We don’t give a fuck if they don’t give a fuck. Hopefully with all the bloodshed, they gon’ know how serious we are, especially since not nare person got arrested for anything. I wasn’t the only one that fired my weapon and hit their mark. Marcus, Storm, and Jasper did too.”

“Why did you have to fire your weapon, Mama?”

“He broke into my washateria and had a gun. Said that he was gon’ fuck me and my daughter then blow our brains out.” She lowered her head. “I pulled my shit so fast he never saw it coming. I emptied my clip on his ass. Ain’t no-fucking-body was gon’ threaten me or my baby. Kenny fed his ass to the hogs, because his riddled body showed my rage, not my survival instincts.”

I grabbed her hand as she stared into my eyes. “I love my family. I love you so much. There is nothing I won’t do for you. I know it’s water under the bridge, but when that nigga cheated on you, you should’ve called me. I would have helped you beat his ho ass. I always got your back, Milana. Don’t ever forget that shit.”

I nodded as she glanced at Ferris. “I think he’s a good one, but if you ever have problems, I’ll help you fuck that nigga up.”

I giggled as I watched Ferris tilt his head as he watched us, like he knew we were talking about him. My mama chuckled, too, as she noticed him staring at us. “Go meet your man. He needs your attention right now. I’m proud of you.”

I ran straight to Ferris, letting my mama’s words sink into my soul. She was my ride or die, and I hated that I didn’t take advantage of that. Ferris enveloped me in his arms, and I felt the tremble that went through his body. “Baby, that was so amazing. I was nervous as hell though. Seeing you hit that ground, . . . shit, I wanted to run out there and scoop you up. I’m so proud of you for not giving up on your dream. I didn’t get to see your mombareback, but I can only imagine I’m getting a version of it right here watching you. That was amazing.”

---