Page 3 of Can I?

She was crying as much as I was. Maybe I should have waited to talk to her. Grandpa had just died yesterday at the hands of Julius, Malik, and Julius’s friend, Tron. I would have never thought they would take their anger out with me on anyone else.Plus, it had been seven fucking months. I couldn’t believe they were still in their feelings about that shit.

“I want you to perform a fucking miracle and bring us back in time before you did that ho ass shit you did!”

“Tiffany! That’s enough. She is still our daughter,” my daddy said.

“Is she? Because I don’t recognize her ass!”

She jerked away from Uncle Storm and went back inside as I fell against my daddy. He slowly shook his head and embraced me. I was his baby, and he’d definitely spoiled me. Mama was tough, but she was my best friend. I looked up to her, and even as a grown woman, I still wanted to be just like her. Tiffany Henderson Semien was the standard when it came to being a strong, independent woman. I admired the hell out of that and the history she’d made in the rodeo industry.

“Lana, you have to accept that you fucked up. You can’t make your mama come around in your time. When she is ready to deal with this, she will come to you. She’s still angry, and you know how hotheaded she can get. You know how much I cut for you, baby, but you deserved that slap.”

“I know, Daddy. I just miss her. I hate what I did to our relationship. I hate what my actions did to Grandpa.”

When Uncle Storm’s eyebrows lifted and he asked what I was talking about, I knew I had to get the fuck out of here. My entire family was going to hate me. I ran to my truck and hopped in, heading back to Karima’s house. I’d just told my parents what was going on a couple of weeks ago, because Julius was harassing the fuck out of me and had been for the past seven months, like his ass didn’t cheat on me first.

The problem was that he didn’t want me to have the upper hand, but he took this shit way too far, and now he’d paid the ultimate price. Ace had blown his head off his shoulders, and I didn’t feel an ounce of sadness about it. I knew Ace didn’t either.That was my nigga . . . him and PJ. Had Ashanni called PJ months ago when Julius had pushed me to the ground, he would have been dead already. PJ definitely had a body count. I didn’t think Aunt Kema knew though. She would have an entire fit.

When Grandpa died from the injuries he sustained from their attack and they released the names of the men Ace killed, my mama went left. I didn’t blame her. That shit was my fault, and I apologized so many times. She kicked me out of the house, and had it not been for Karima, I wouldn’t have had anywhere to go.

Karima was angry at me, too, but she at least allowed me to stay at her place until I could work things out with my mama. As I turned in her driveway, Ashanni called me.

“Hello?”

“Hey, boo. You okay?”

“No,” I said and broke out in tears.

“We’re on our way. Me and Maui.”

“Okay.”

I slid out of my truck and headed to the front door. While I wanted to call Karima, I didn’t want to weigh her down with my bullshit. She was pregnant. She’d come outside while my mama and I were screaming at each other, and the disappointment in her eyes made me feel so bad. She’d cursed at me when those niggas showed up at her house trying to get at me. I’d never heard her use that kind of language nor seen her that angry.

As with everyone else, I often went to her to talk about my issues, but I never wanted her to know about the shit that went down with Julius and me. I was more than sure she knew before I said anything a couple of weeks ago. Jacob had come to meet us at the gas station that day when Julius had caught up with my ass. That was only a week after I’d slept with Malik. Thankfully, Ashanni was with me that day, or it probably would have beenworse. I now wished I would’ve been alone. He could have gotten his revenge out on me, and Grandpa would still be here.

I unlocked the door and went inside, immediately falling to the couch. I didn’t have the energy to even go to the bedroom. My life was a mess, and I didn’t know what to do about it. My grandfather’s funeral was coming up this weekend, and two weekends after that, I was supposed to compete in a rodeo in Birmingham. I wasn’t sure how that would happen. Everything I owned belonged to Tiffany Semien.

As I kicked off my boots, the doorbell rang. I was more than sure that was Ashanni and Maui. Taking a deep breath, I went to the door and opened it to find them standing there. I walked away and went back to the couch as Maui went to the kitchen. Ashanni sat next to me and grabbed my hand. She remained quiet. They saw what happened, so there was no need for any explanation.

When Maui joined us, she gave me an ice pack for my face. Huffing, I brought it to my cheek as she kissed my other one. Maui was the sweetest and most innocent of the three of us, and I hadn’t figured out how that happened with her having the twins and her father as influences. I glanced at her and let the tears fall. She was always able to pull tears from me without even saying a word. Karima had the same effect on me.

I was glad she was going to be staying with Rhodes. It gave me time to myself to think about what I could have done differently. I just needed my mama. Not having her to talk to was driving me insane. I fucked up . . . I knew that. My mind was driving me insane by repeatedly mulling over it. I should have talked to Julius and Malik. I should have never slept with Malik. I allowed my anger, hurt, and petty to take the lead that day.

However, me not communicating made things worse. When Julius was blowing me up and harassing me, I should have done something about it then, instead of just blocking him, cursinghim out, and insulting him. While some of my people were hood, I wasn’t close to the hood. I just played games, and I knew that. I gave off the impression that I could get with the best of them. My mama was way more hood than me. I was spoiled . . . rotten.

Maybe this situation would be used for self-reflection and me becoming a better and more mature person. I just wished my grandfather didn’t suffer because of it. I was pretty sure Julius and Malik didn’t target him. Their friend Tron was an Anderson. He was the one who targeted my grandfather. However, when they found out who my grandfather was, they were down with it simply because he was related to me.

Everybody wasn’t to be toyed with. Although Julius started this whole thing and should have just chalked it up to the game, he wasn’t built to accept responsibility for my response to his actions. I embarrassed and insulted him, and no matter that he fucked up first, he wasn’t about to take that shit lying down.

“You know Aunt Tiff is just hurting right now,” Ashanni said.

I nodded. “Yeah. I should have waited until after the funeral to even attempt to talk to her about this. I miss my mama, y’all. Her disappointment is killing me inside. My heart is so heavy with guilt and remorse until I barely know whether I’m coming or going.”

Maui put her arm around me and allowed me to lay against her. We remained that way for at least ten minutes before there was a knock at the door. I slightly rolled my eyes. I just felt like it was somebody here to fuss at me. They didn’t think I knew this was bad? Maui got up and went to it. When she came back, she had Jacob with her. He gave me a look of sympathy. He knew exactly what I was going through. Kane nearly got killed because of that bitch he’d fucked.

Ashanni stood, and I scooted over to make room for him on the couch next to me. He was probably three times the size of Maui and wouldn’t be able to fit in the little spot she was seatedin. After sitting next to me, he pulled me in his arms. I broke down all over again. My grandfather was dead. Dealing with guilt and grief was hard as hell.

Realizing how my mama felt in this moment helped me to understand her reaction. She was embarrassed. Uncle Storm not knowing what had happened with me let me know she hadn’t told a soul. She was embarrassed and was assuming guilt for Grandpa’s death, simply because I was her daughter.

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