Page 11 of Can I?

I lowered my head, embarrassment flooding my being. “His brother, Malik, had been flirting with me since the first time I’d met him. They have the same father but different mothers. Obviously, they couldn’t stand each other. That was why he wasafter me, saying that Julius didn’t deserve me. I didn’t give him any attention until that day.”

I stared at her as the tears continued falling down her cheeks. It only pulled them from me as well. “Mama, I’m so sorry. I know you didn’t raise me that way. All I saw was red. I figured after he approached me about it, we would be done, but that wasn’t the case.”

“How did he find out?”

“He was passing down the street when I came out of Malik’s house.”

“Shit.”

“He didn’t catch up to me until a week later at the gas station. He pushed me against the truck, and I sprayed gas on him. I was trying to leave, but he pulled me from the truck and threw me to the ground. Had Ashanni not been with me, maybe he would have gotten his revenge on me, and Grandpa would still be here.”

The cries I was trying to restrain came barreling out of me, and my mama pulled me in her arms again and held me tightly. After a minute or so, I pulled away from her and stared into the face that meant the world to me. “Please tell me you forgive me, Mama. I know things won’t go back to how they were before all of this, but I can’t go another day without you in my life. I love you so much, and it’s been hell for the past month. I’ve been so lonely.”

“I forgive you, baby. If I hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here. I was really disappointed, but that was no reason for me to put my hands on you. I’m so sorry. When you flinched at the diner, I felt so bad.”

“It’s my fault. Not only did I deserve that slap, but I wouldn’t give you the time you needed to process what happened. I fucked up so bad.”

“Milana, I want you to know that those boys are the ones responsible for killing my daddy. Not you. Okay? It was hard for me to separate the two at first. Then I realized that it was the same thing Jacob had gone through when Kane got shot. They could have killed Kane. Had he moved an inch or so over, he would have shot him in the heart. That wasn’t Jacob’s fault. If I could feel that way about Jacob, surely, I owed my daughter the same courtesy. It was just?—”

“I know, Mama. I embarrassed you and Daddy. I promise to do my best not to do that ever again. Seeing the disappointment on your faces is something I never want to see again. I know the family is so disappointed in me. I haven’t seen many of them since Grandpa’s funeral. I’ve just been staying at Karima’s, sleeping off and on all day.”

She didn’t respond to my statements about the family. Instead, she said, “Well, I would love for you to come back home. We have a lot of work to put in to get you ready for Birmingham, right?”

I shrugged. “I do want to come back home, but I don’t know if I will compete this weekend.”

“Hell naw. You competing. Come on here, girl.”

She stood and pulled me from my seat. “Despite everything, one thing remains the same. You are a hell of a barrel racer. I know you love it. Plus, we working on you barebacking, right?”

I smiled and hugged her tightly. She chuckled and said, “Bring yo’ ass on.”

“I have to find more tape and sports bras to hold my titties in place,” I said, causing my mama to damn near choke.

I laughed too. She didn’t have big breasts like I did. The crazy part was that I was so skinny, much smaller than her, but my breasts were huge. I hated that shit. I was in a fucking E, which was the equivalent of a triple D. My breasts were nearly biggerthan me. When we got outside, Karima had pulled up. Once she saw us together, she smiled big and hurriedly got out of her car.

She practically ran to us. “Karima! If you don’t slow your ass down before you fall!” my mama said.

Karima ignored us and pulled us to her simultaneously. She was so little compared to us. My mama was like five ten, and I was five eleven. Karima couldn’t have been any taller than five three. I rested my hand on her belly and could feel the baby moving around.

When she released us, she said, “I’ve been praying so hard for this day.”

“Me too,” I said.

My mama’s face reddened some, then she said, “Go in the house and check out my saddle. I’m gon’ bring that shit with me to the Bill Pickett. Those niggas ain’t gon’ know what the fuck they just walked up on. Milana bought it for me.”

Karima bumped me slightly then went inside to take a look. As we walked to the barn, my mama said, “I saw that guy watching you at the diner. Who’s that?”

I released a sigh. “His name is Ferris. He’s kin to Mister Red some kind of way, I think, . . . or possibly on Asad’s bio mom’s side of the family. They were at the Easter Rodeo, and Asad introduced us when I spoke to him. He wanted to get to know me, but I told him no.”

“Why? He’s cute.”

“I’ve had enough bullshit going on in my life. I can’t risk fucking up again.”

“You can’t stop living, Lana,” she said as she threw the saddle blanket over her horse then the saddle.

I only nodded in response as I heard Karima yell, “Shit, Lana! Let me stop talking to you for a while so I can get one of those.”

I rolled my eyes and smiled at her as she approached. She slid her arm around my waist. “I’m just kidding. I’m gonna go and give y’all time alone. Love y’all.”

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