Page 57 of Transatlantic Terror Cruise

Hello, husband hunters! While our newlyweds are busy exploring ship acoustics—and honestly, who knew the honeymoon suite had such excellent soundproofing?—let’s tackle today’s group inquiry.

Dear Elodie,

My girlfriends and I (all delightfully single) booked a cruise for next month. We’re looking for tips on meeting eligible men at sea. There are five of us, and we’re not leaving this ship without at least one love connection. Can you help a sister out—or five?

Desperate Deck Divas

My maritime manhunters,

First of all, I so love that you’re traveling in a pack—it’s like bringing your own cheering section. Now, let’s talk strategy.

The ship’s officers are like catnip in those uniforms. Case in point, the Italian restaurant maître d’ is usually single for a reason (trust me), and the security team is tragically overworked (though the head of which is currently occupied with giving our beloved Trixie very thorough protection).

For best results, stake out the following hunting grounds:

1. The martini bar around sunset (when the business types loosen their ties)

2. The gym at seven a.m. (when the dedicated ones show off theirdedication)

3. The coffee bar at eight a.m. (when the walk-of-shamers need caffeine)

4. The pool at three p.m. (when the sun makes everyone look... well,ambitious)

Pro tip: Avoid the late-night buffet hunters. Anyone that excited about midnight meatballs is probably not your soulmate

Warning: The ship’s dance instructors are professionally flirtatious. If he says you’re his best student, honey, you’re his fifthbest studenttoday.

Happy hunting,

XOXO Elodie

P.S. If all else fails, there’s always the drop-something-by-the-shuffleboard-court maneuver. However, do check his left hand first. We’re looking for love, not lawsuits.

Trixie

With Ransom tiedup in meetings all afternoon, I spent a gloriously relaxing day with my partners in crime-solving—or more to the point, simply partners in crime as we rested up for the first formal night of the trip. Or first official formal night, I should say.

Bess, Nettie, and I started the day off right with the breakfast buffet at the Blue Water Cafe, where Nettie managed to try every type of breakfast offering available,for research purposes,she claimed.

It was oatmeal and scones for Bess, while I doubled down on both pancakes and waffles. I couldn’t help myself. Ransom made sure that I worked up an appetite before I left the room.

Then afterward, the three of us lounged by the pool where I actually made it through three chapters of the novel I’m reading without stumbling over any bodies, which feels like a personal best. And let’s face it, it sort of is.

Lunch in the formal dining room turned into high tea, which led straight into bingo—where Bess shocked us all by winning the jackpot.

“It’s about darn tootin’ time,” she shouted and sounded a lot more like Nettie than she did herself. You know what they say—you become the company you keep. “I’ve been manifesting this win ever since we first stepped on board!”

We celebrated with hot stone massages at the spa, and somehow made it back to our rooms with just enough time to dress for dinner with Ransom and Wes.

But now dinner is long over—although the memory of the chicken Milanese with creamy risotto Milanese lives on. Both are made with copious amounts of parmigiano cheese, the chicken being deep-fried in cheesy crumbles, and it’s a dish that has set the bar far too high for the rest of the dishes I plan on inhaling for the remainder of the trip.

Cheese, much like Ransom Courtland Baxter, is my weakness.

The best part? Ransom is a staunch supporter of my cheese addiction, unlike my ex who was a staunch supporter of me starving myself to fit into a size zero. And seeing that the size zero thing never panned out for me, that probably explains the whole cheating ex thing, too.

After dinner, we hit the Emerald Theater and watched the ship’s rendition ofPhantom of the Opera—that never gets old. Then we trotted up to the Blue Water Café and ate our weight in molten chocolate lava cake—that will for sure never get old.

Now that it’s almost midnight, the entire lot of us has migrated to the casino together and that includes, Bess, Nettie, Ransom, and Wes. And once we arrived, we had an unfortunate run-in with Tinsley, which is evidently an ongoing thing for me.

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