Page 1 of Crash and Burn

Prologue

Lynn Falls, Illinois

Beep... Beep.... Beep.... Beep.I kept wondering,how did we get here?as I watched the slow and steady green zigzags climb and fall against the black screen of the heart monitor. It told me that my wife was still alive, but barely. The room was cold, and uninviting. Dev was so pale. So pale, and I didn’t know where to look because plastic tubes were everywhere. I had lost count of the machines keeping her alive.Her beautiful lips,I thought.Now, I can’t even see them because the damn breathing tubes are in the way.I just wanted to kiss her. I wanted her to feel my warmth and know that I was there. Our kisses were always our connection and were always so...powerful. They could get us through anything. I had hoped they could get us through even this, but then....

An I.V. was embedded in one of her hands and I knew it was there to help her, but there was so much bruising. Her hands. Her soft hands. The ones that reached for mine every time we walked a path together. She’s not moving, and she hasn’t moved in two weeks.Beep... Beep... Beep....I didn’t know what to do. I tried to beg Dev through her coma, “Tell me what to do, baby.”

There have been so many doctors coming and going, each one giving me that knowing, pitiful look, which isn’t a smile but isn’t a frown, either. I hate that look. They know what I should do, but instead of just telling me that, over and over again, they give me worse news after bad news.

I heard Dr. Reynosa’s rubber shoes softly patting the floor as he walked in the room and stood near the door. “Her chances of waking are extremely low, Hudson. The impact was severe, and her body is tired.”

I just stare at Dev. Jose was a friend of the family and I was glad he was caring for Dev. I just wished he would be more direct with me. I didn’t want to make the decision to take Dev’s life, and he didn’t want to make that decision, either. I heard what he said, but I wondered whether “extremely low” meant, never.

“Hudson... Hudson, are you listening?”

I finally lost it. “Yeah, Jose! I’ve been listening every day for the past two weeks. I’ve been listening to my wife’s shallow breaths. I’ve been listening to you tell me she’stired. I’ve been listening and waiting to hear her voice. Can you please just tell me what the fuck I’m supposed to do? Please!”

Jose looked at me and blinked a few times before looking down at his hands. He rubbed his palms together with his fingers interlocked. “I can’t tell you what to do, Hudson. This decision is yours to make, and yours alone.”

“What wouldyoudo, doc? What wouldyoudo if youwere staring at your beautiful wife, laying there, hooked up to every tube the hospital has, and I told you her chances were extremely low? What decision wouldyoumake for your best friend, feeling like a bastard for whatever decision you made, and you can’t imagine living one second without her? Tell me whatyouwould do.”

Silence. I know doctors are supposed to stay even keeled. They’re supposed to give it to you straight. When he looked at me though, I could tell he was giving in. His shoulders slouched, and he let out a sigh. I held my breath while he spoke.

“Hudson, if that weremybest friend and her chances werethatlow, I would let her pass. I would let her pass even when everything in my soul is begging me to keep her here with me, because she deserves that. For all the sleepless nights that she gave up for me alone, she deserves to rest, in peace, and be without pain. I’m sorry, Hudson. I wish there were a way to heal her, but there isn’t. I’d want to remember my wife’s larger than life smile and laugh, but I wouldn’t want to remember her...like this.” He nodded toward Dev and looked at her with sad eyes.

I finally exhaled, feeling the lump stuck in my throat because I knew he was right. Larger than life. That was Dev. He squeezed my shoulder, “The decision is still yours. Take your time. I’ll come find you in the morning.”

He started to turn away but stopped to offer a last piece of advice. “Hudson,... Tell her everything you’ve ever wanted to tell her.”

I nodded. Not wanting to look at him, I kept my eyes fixed on Dev.

As he left, he said, “Try and get some rest, Hudson.”

I stood up and walked over to Dev’s bed and sat down. I picked up her hand and put her palm to my face. She would always cup my face; I just wanted her to do that again, one last time. I brought her palm to my lips and kissed it. I took in her smell. Even her hands smelled good. I always told her that. “You smell good, Dev. I love the way you smell.” Tears ran down my cheeks and fell in her palm. I bent down and kissed her neck. It made me smile. She would laugh when I did that because my beard always tickled her. “Your beard Hud, stop it,” she would say, and I would do it more and she would end up in a fit of giggles.

I needed to hear her laugh. I wondered,why is it so hard to tell my wife the things I always tell her?I didn’t know if I could do it. “Devina, remember that night after the Citizen Cope concert and we were just standing outside, enjoying the cool summer air? Do you remember? You were so beautiful staring up at the stage in wonder, with those big eyes. You didn’t have a care in the world. You were staring at the stage, and I was staring at you. I was thinking about how things couldn’t get any better than they were that night, and you couldn’t be any more beautiful.”

My voice started to shake, so I cleared my throat. I needed her to know these things. I took a deep breath, looked up at the ceiling and slowly exhaled. “Thank you, Dev. Thank you for giving me ten amazing years. Thank you for loving me and all my fucked-up habits and ways. Thank you for not divorcing me when I came home with a motorcycle. Thank you for loving us, just us, as we were. You’ve always been the love of my life, my angel. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I promise to take time to just be. That’s what you would always say, right? I know you thought I wasn’t listening, but I was.”

I let out a quick laugh, thinking about her standing in front of me with her hands on her hips, glaring at me with that sky high bun on her head.

“I promise to just be, and I promise to always love you.”

I wished she would say something, move something, anything. I climbed into the bed with her because I knew what the next day would bring, and I needed to lay with my wife one more time. I drew her in close. Sage and mint from one of her favorite aromatherapy lotions filled the air around her. I kissed the top of her head and inhaled her smell for the last time. I wished I could bottle her smell for the dark days that lay ahead.

As horrible as it all was, even then, her smell kept my anxiety at bay. “I’ll love you forever, Dev.” I lost it all over again. I kissed her, wrapping one arm around the top of her head and my other arm around her stomach, careful not to hurt her. I whispered, “Let’s sleep, baby. I won’t leave you. I’ll never leave you. Let me know you’re ok…. please.”

Chapter 1

Hudson

18 months later.

The sun was shining on our backyard through a clear, blue summer sky. Violets and lavender from Devina’s garden scented the air. She was laughing hysterically at me after I fell in the pool with my boots on.Who wanted this damn thing anyway?,I thought. We don’t even like summer.

I turned to look at her with a grin. “What are you laughing at? Are you serious right now? A little help would be nice,” I yelled at her. She was practically crying. No... shewascrying, and yelling my name. Worried,I said,“Dev, what’s wrong? What is it? I’m right here.” She was still yelling…

I shook when my best friend, Carter, woke me from the dream, bursting into my bedroom, and hollering at the top of his lungs, “Hudson! Wake up, man! Hudson! Wake the fuck up! This place is a mess.” CarterfuckingLansing.

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