Page 3 of Crash and Burn

He put his hand on my shoulder and reassured me, “No matter what, remember, the people that are going to be there this weekend are the same people who held you up 18 months ago.”

I just nodded and looked back at my coffee. He squeezed my shoulder, and headed for the door, pointing back at the bathroom, yelling, “Shower! You fuckin’ stink.” With that, the door closed, leaving me in silence again.

*

Carter was right. The shower recharged my mood and washed the stink off me. Still annoyed with the bright sunlight shining into my place, I went around and shut most of the curtains, and turned the lamps on, instead. I laughed to myself, remembering how Dev would always say,“You’re such a vampire, babe.”I’m usually an introvert and there’s a certain level of peace that comes from keeping the outside world justthat—out. Devina was the polar opposite; she talked to everyone, setting the bar high for social butterflies everywhere, and I loved her for it. That made it so much harder after she passed. It seemed like everyone she ever spoke to showered me with condolences and I appreciated it, but it made me miss her so much more, until I was in the pit of depression and grief again.

After I closed the shades and turned the lights on, I looked around the house. Carter said I was treating the place like a trash can, and I had. Cleaning the place didn’t seem possible since I didn’t want me or anyone else to move something of Devina’s. I had left certain things in place for a reason, and what might have seemed out of place to someone else, was perfectly in its place for me.

I let out a deep breath when I saw her slippers at the foot of the couch. She would always walk over to the couch, slip them off, and fall on the couch backwards. I had always worried she was going to trip and fall. Someone coming in to clean wouldn’t know something like that. I looked around and decided to just get into it. I started with the living room, picking up all the clothes and random things I just threw around, wherever they might land. The kitchen and dining room were a nightmare.

After looking at everything, I’m not sure where I’d been the past 18 months. Do you ever find yourself driving home and before you know it, you’re home but you don’t remember the drive? It kind of scares you, and you ask yourself how you got home without dying? That’s what it felt like. Like I’d been driving home, and I had no idea how I got there, only the drive lasted 18 months.

I looked around at the dining room, trying to remember how things had gotten so out of control.

*

18 months ago.

“Hudson, we really need to get her processed.”

I looked at the doc. “‘Processed?’Wow.I’m sure there’s a better word than ‘processed’, Jose.”

“I’m sorry, Hudson. I just mean, we need to take care of her. We can’t leave her lying like this.”

“I know. I know. Please just give me five more minutes. Please,” I begged him. He just eyed the floor, nodded, and walked out of the room.

I looked at Devina and it hit me then that the night before was the last time we would ever sleep in the same bed together. It was the last time I would hold her. The last time I would smell her. The last time I would see her face. The last time I would see her alive. I leaned down and kissed her neck.

I’m gonna fucking lose it. I can’t breathe, I thought.

Suddenly, I felt detached from everything, like I was having an out-of-body experience. A nurse walked in and grabbed me when I doubled over. She yelled for Jose, and he came running in to grab ahold of me and set me in the chair next to Devina. “Breathe, Hudson, deep breaths. What happened?”

I take a deep breath in through my nose and exhale slowly. The tears stung my eyes. “I just wanted to smell her, and she smells different. What happened to her smell, Doc?”

Jose took a deep breath. “Hudson. Listen to me. Your wife has passed on.” He looked at Devina, and paused, then, with tears in his eyes and his voice shaking, he said, “That’s just her body. It’s the vessel she lived in...and now it’sherturn to watch overyou.” I cried hard. So did Jose. Then he put an arm around my shoulders and said, “We need to get her taken care of. Who can I call for you? Should I call Carter?”

I nodded. I tried to breathe, but it felt impossible. There was this heavy, unrelenting weight on my chest.

“Nurse Callie…Call Carter Lansing, he’s listed as a secondary emergency contact for Hudson Barlow.” Then Jose said, “Hudson, Carter is on his way.”

I nodded and sat back down in the chair, just looking at Dev while I held her hand.

Ten minutes later, Carter walks in and over to me, grabbing me and hugging me. “I’m here, man. I’m here. We will get through this together.”

“She’s gone. I can’t smell her, C. What do I do? I can’t smell her.”

“I know, man. Come on. Let’s go home.”

I thought,Home. What home? Our home? No.I didn’t want to go, but I couldn’t speak, so I nodded and followed him out to his car, waiting in the parking lot. I told myself,it will never be home again, not without Dev. Not without my lifeline. She was my home.

*

The last thing I remember that day, was Carter bringing me home and putting me in my bed. The rest is a blur. They say when you experience something traumatic, that your mind can shut down. You can forget everything about the day or time it happened. I remember when Dev’s grandma died, she went through something similar. She told me she remembered us arriving at the funeral home, no memory of what happened there, and then coming home. I would have to remind her, and it always bothered her that she couldn’t remember any of it. That’s how this felt. Aside from Carter bringing me home, I can’t remember anything.

After a while, Dev’s pillowcase started to lose its smell. That’s why I flipped out when Carter tried to pull it off the pillow. It’s the last thing I had that still smelled like her. Even those lotions she used to wear smelled different because Dev was the missing ingredient.

I had just about finished cleaning when my phone rang.Carter.I picked it up and asked,“You’re the worst. Checking up on me again, are ya?”

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