Page 42 of Snowed in with the Rancher

After a dinner of steak and baked potatoes followed by the classicRudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeermovie, Tate said goodnight to the girls and waited for Olivia to tuck them in and come back downstairs.

She slid onto the far end of the sofa, and Tate couldn't help wishing she was closer.

“They were both out before I even turned off the lights,” she told him, reaching to the coffee table and picking up the mug of hot chocolate he'd made for her. She closed her eyes as she took a sip, and he saw just how exhausted she was. He realized he could have taken some of that from her, but he'd been so wrapped up in his own discomfort that he'd ignored her needs.

“It's been a long day for everyone,” he answered, shifting subtly to be closer to her.

She nodded, and they sat in silence for a moment.

“About last night,” he began at the same time she said, “I'm sorry for last night…”

They both stopped and chuckled softly.

“No,” he said firmly. “I'm sorry. I've been stubborn and inconsiderate. Reuniting with you, meeting the girls…it got me so out of whack that I ran away. Work has always been kind of my security blanket, and I've been clinging to it awfully hard. But that was wrong of me. I never should have left you to deal with everything alone.”

“But you had a point, too. I've been in charge of the girls and myself for so long, I'm not sure I know how to let someone else participate in that.” She gazed down at her drink. “It's all I've wanted for so long, but now that you're really here, I'm not sure I know what that should look like.”

Tate's heart nearly split in two. How had he missed all of this? How had he never realized how much she was having to change, too? And dammit, if she could do it, he could as well.

He slid over next to her, reaching out and cupping her beautiful face with his palm. “You know what? I'm scared, too. I'm scared that if I let you in, you'll realize I'm not worth keeping around. Ever since my mother died, all I've been able to think is that if only I'd been better or different somehow…” His voice faded on the last few words, and he blinked away the emotions rolling through him.

“We're a mess,” she said before surprising him by laughing softly.

“Well, at least you're a beautiful mess,” he told her. “I know we need to start over, establish some ground rules. Figure out how to take this step by step,” he took a deep breath and ran a hand over his head, “but it's all moving so fast, I feel like every time we start to get a handle on it, everything shifts again.”

She nodded emphatically. “Every day I wake up and all I can think is, 'what next? What will blow up in my face today?'“

Lobster wandered into the room, having waited until the girls were asleep to come back downstairs. His devotion to the twins was commendable—and profitable for him as they both snuck him food on a regular basis.

“So maybe we deal with the big stuff first?” Tate suggested.

“Okay.”

He scratched his head and tried to organize his thoughts. “I've never felt about anyone else the way I feel about you,” he finally admitted. And surprisingly, it felt good. It was refreshing to acknowledge the fact to both himself and Olivia.

She smiled softly. “That's good to know, because I feel the same. Even if I hadn't wound up pregnant, I would always have regretted not knowing how to find you after that cruise.”

“But I'm not sure I can be the person that you and the girls need.” He tried to ignore the ache in his chest. “My life doesn't…I never thought…” His voice faded, but he hoped she could see the truth of what he was thinking in his eyes. He'd never planned for a wife and kids. He'd never thought that was in his future.

“If we'd been able to take the time when we first met, maybe I'd have adjusted? But now, there's no way to do it slowly. If you and I get involved together—again, that is—then the girls will think they're getting a traditional family.”

“And what if we don't work?” she added sadly. “That's what you're worried about, right?”

He nodded. “When I think about you three, I want you safe, I want you happy. I want you and my parents to know each other. I want to be able to spend time with the girls.”

She gave him a wry smile. “But?”

He shook his head as sorrow rolled through him. “But I have trouble seeing this—” He waved his arm around the cabin. “I don't see you and me living in the same place. I don't picture family dinners and holidays.” Sudden anger spiked through him. Not at her. Not at the girls. But at himself, because no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't picture it.

Olivia's eyes shone with unshed tears.

“I'm so sorry,” he told her. And he meant it. From the bottom of his wretched soul, he meant it. “You're my family,” he continued, taking a deep breath. “I love you—” He reached out and ran a thumb along her cheekbone, gazing deeply into her eyes, his voice growing rough despite his best efforts to control it. “I do love you. I was in love with you on that ship. I know that much. I just don't know that I can give you what you deserve.”

She leaned over and nestled her head against his shoulder, a long sigh escaping her.

Doggedly, he went on. “And I don't know where to go from here.”

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