Page 28 of Long Hard Fall

“Was my brother miserable?” Her abrupt subject change probably ruined the mood, but she’d come here for Perry. She couldn’t forget her goal, couldn’t go back home to the same old routine, minus one uptight Ellis.

Cash fell silent. The horses walked side by side.

“He was as miserable as any of us.”

Abbi glared at him. “That sounds like a carefully crafted answer.” She just didn’t know why. If Perry had been unhappy, why not admit it?

Cash rolled a shoulder. “We all had our issues. Dealing with them far away from home, where we felt useless to the ones we love, took its toll on everyone. We all dealt with it in our own way.”

“What would he feel useless about? I was in college, and Mom and Dad are Mom and Dad.”

“I don’t know, Abbi. Maybe he just did.”

“No, I think he talked and you’re not telling me.” She’d grown accustomed to Cash freely chatting with her about subjects she suspected he didn’t share with many other people. But when it came to her brother, his body language was tight, monitored. It was like a wall had gone up between them.

His jaw formed a hard line and he glared into the distance. The horses took step after step, lulling Abbi into almost dropping the subject.

“Would it make you feel better?” Cash finally spoke. “To know that he was worried about you? Or would you use it to wallow in self-pity?”

“I’m not like that.”

“Aren’t you? Have you had anyone close to you die and wonder what you could’ve done to change it? You came here because you felt like you didn’t do enough for Daniels—Perry—so if I tell you what bothered him in the months before he died, I can’t imagine you’d say, ‘oh, okay,’ and move on.”

“It’s my choice.” Abbi gripped her reins firmly without tugging on Mandrell. Her curiosity and concern over Perry’s last moments threatened to overwhelm her until she couldn’t breathe.

“Maybe if your brother wanted you to know what he fretted over, he’d have told you.”

Abbi stared at the man riding next to her. His cheeks were tinted pink from the chilly air, but he wore just a light jacket over his long-sleeved shirt. He rode as if the horse weren’t even there, he and Patsy Cline so in sync. She wanted to be angry and stomp away, but she wasn’t exactly in a position to do so. Why wouldn’t he just talk to her? She’d used her vacation time to drive all the way up here. She’d even toasted a long-term relationship to come, but Cash didn’t know that.

Perry had been plagued by personal problems when he’d died. At least she had that confirmation. Would he have talked to her, eventually? She mulled it over.

“It was me, wasn’t it? Perry was worried about me.” Her throat grew thick. Of course. Perry was her older brother and he was halfway around the world while she partied all night and scraped passing grades together during the day. Her parents always hounded her about repeating failed classes because they’d raided their pension to pay for college. Had they shared their troubles with Perry?

Cash’s expression turned bleak. She’d nailed it. Oh my god. Had Perry’s concern over her been a source of distraction for him in the field? Oh god. She might’ve been the reason he’d made a deadly mistake.

The contents of her stomach welled up until she feared she’d hurl in front of Cash again. Would the horse panic and bolt? She had zero knowledge of what to do right now.

“Hey.” Cash’s voice was low as he rode closer. “You have to understand, Abbi. Brothers just worry about their sisters. We might be shit at showing our love by pointing out all the crazy plans going on in your head, but we take our role as protectors seriously. Only, when you’re so far away and communication is hard, and every minute of your life is dictated by the military, it only amplifies what’s banging around our heads.”

Abbi cleared her throat and wiped her eyes, his words seeping in. “Yeah, I guess I can see that.”

“You have to understand, too, that whatever was going on with him, it was him, not you. Don’t take the way he thought and acted on yourself.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” What had Perry said? She was a selfish, irresponsible sister and should go easier on her parents?

He scowled at the space between his horse’s ears. “No. He was just a brother who was a soldier. If you’re looking for anything more, it’ll just lead to insanity.”

She sighed, starting to think he was right. Grief had made her look too much into this. She’d had a hard enough time with Perry’s death; if she took on unnecessary blame, it’d destroy her, and that’d destroy Mom and Dad. She’d made progress and that was enough for now. “Your sister drives you crazy, huh?”

“God, yes.” Cash’s frustrated expression remained in place. “She’s so much younger than me, I feel like I was gone during her formative years. By the time I got home, she was off to college and…”

“Partying and barely passing her classes.” Wryness tinted her words.

“Been there, done that?”

She chuckled. “Drove my family nuts. I was always a bit of a loose cannon. I mean, if anyone tossed out the call for a daring adventure, I was on board.”

“Was?”

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