Page 64 of With a Little Luck

I tilt my head at her, suspicious at her tone. Like she’s pretending it doesn’t mean much, which makes me wonder. “What sort of something?”

“I don’t know. Just … something.”

We fall silent again. The restaurant is growing more crowded for dinner service. Carlos shakes a cocktail behind the bar.

When she finally speaks, it isn’t at all what I expect her to say. “They aren’t circles, Jude. They’re boxes.”

I pause, a piping hot tostone halfway to my mouth.

Maya clears her throat and meets my gaze again. “It may not be a cliché teen movie, but it does still feel sometimes like we’ve had these roles assigned to us. For me, I think it’s because I’ve spent my whole life wanting people to like me. I want to have friends. And I want to get good grades and for our teachers to think, wow, she does really good work. And I want my parents to be proud. And—I mean, not that you don’t want those things, too, but for me it’s like … like I don’t remember167choosing who my friends were and what activities I was going to be interested in, it all just sort of happened. You start hanging out with people in elementary school, and they like certain things, so you start to like those things, too. The same movies, the same sports, the same …everything. But then …” Her brow pinches. She glances at me, then looks away. “There was this one time in … eighth grade, maybe? I saw this poster at school. One of the clubs was hosting an anime movie night, with movies by … what’s his name? The guy who didHowl’s Moving Castle?”

“Hayao Miyazaki,” I say.

“Right. Well, I’d actually seenHowl’s Moving Castle. My dad took me to a special showing at the Offshore Theater, and I really liked it. So I told my friends that we should go to this movie night, and I remember Katie acting like it was the weirdest thing I could have suggested. Like, who wants to go watch cartoons with a bunch of kids we don’t even hang out with, and the cartoons aren’t even in English? And I … I laughed with her, and I agreed. What a dumb idea. But secretly, I always sort of regretted not going.”

She exhales slowly and finally takes a bite of her food.

“I went,” I tell her.

She pauses in her chewing, then swallows and nods, her lips twitching at the corners. “Of course you did. Was it amazing? Did I miss out on what could have been the best night of my life?”

I think back. “It was in the auditorium, and they projected the movies onto a big screen. There were only maybe … twenty of us? Twenty-five? And someone ordered pizza. And … of course, Miyazaki’s films are incredible.”

Maya looks wistful. “See? That sounds great. Whereas I was probably at another sleepover where we painted our nails and played truth or dare, just like every other sleepover.” She cringes. “Don’t get me wrong. I like my friends, it’s just … Honestly? I had more fun playing D&D last weekend than I’ve had in a long time.”

These words should probably fill me with satisfaction, except Maya looks so sad when she says them.168

She winces. “Don’t tell them I said that. Obviously.”

“I won’t,” I say. Then, hesitantly, “So just to be clear … you’re planning to break up with your friends because you’re a closeted nerd?”

Maya laughs. “No.They’re still my friends. I just sometimes feel like we’re different people now than when we met. And the things that I think sound really cool and fun … I don’t even think I could bring them up without being laughed at, or looked at like I’ve betrayed them somehow.”

“Things like … watching anime,” I clarify. “And going to Ren Faires. And playing Dungeons and Dragons.”

She gives me a warning look. “I know that wasn’t sarcasm I just heard, when I am spilling my heart out to you right now.”

I scoop some mild salsa criolla onto my plate. “Sorry. It’s just … you make it sound like you’re joining a cult or laundering drug money or something. You just want to plunder an imaginary dungeon once in a while. Literally millions of people all over the world like this game. I mean, what did everyone say when you told them? Did they threaten to send you to nerd rehab?”

I’m trying to be funny, but Maya doesn’t laugh. If anything, she looks guilty as she takes a drink of her soda.

“Oh,” I say. “You haven’t told them.”

“I’m not embarrassed, I swear. I just haven’t … It hasn’t come up. But obviously they know that you and I are hanging out together.”

Hanging out,I think.Not dating.

“It’s okay,” I say. “You can tell them whatever you want. Or don’t want. But really, what are you afraid would happen? Do you really think they’re going to abandon you, just because you found a new hobby?”

“Maybe not,” says Maya, sounding completely unconvinced. “But I’m not sure I want to find out.”

I frown. “They welcomedmeeasily enough.”

“BecauseIwelcomed you.”

I open my mouth. But then shut it again.

Maya picks at the tostones.

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