Page 37 of Resisting the Running Back

“I never imagined Tanner as a father. You, on the other hand…you’re such a golden retriever. I think you’d make a great dad.”

He wrinkles his nose—and that’smysignature move. “I’m not sure I really want kids,” he admits.

My brows crinkle together. “No?”

He lifts a shoulder. “I go back and forth. Do you?”

“Want kids?” I ask.

He nods.

I lift a shoulder. “I guess I’ve always pictured a future with them, but it’s not like I’m getting any younger. I’m turning thirty next month, and I still feel like I did when I was eighteen. And now I don’t have stability, and I roped you into this engagement thing, and…” I trail off and shrug at the end.

It’s a roundabout nonanswer, but honestly, I’m not the person who dreamed about being a mom my whole life. When I picture the future, I picture a kid or two…but I also picture a husband who’s in love with me, not someone who’s marrying me to help me get back at my shitty ex. I guess if it happens, it’ll bea blessing, but if it’s not meant to be for me, then that’s something I’ll have to make my peace with.

“Can I be honest about something, no judgment?” he asks.

I tilt my head. “You’re my ride or die, Miller Banks. You know I’d never judge anything you could say to me.”

“I know. But still…I feel like anytime this topic has come up with anyone else, there’s judgment.”

“Not from me. Ever,” I say, my tone adamant.

He nods, and he glances down into his beer. He sighs. “When I found out the truth about Eddie Nash being our biological father, it changed something in me. I think I always wanted kids and thought I’d be a good dad because I had Charles to look up to, you know? But when I learned it was Eddie’s blood running through my veins, a new era of self-doubt planted itself inside of me.”

“Oh, Miller,” I say, my tone changing to one of sympathy now. “You were raised by a great man, and it’s the great nature versus nurture debate. Just because Eddie donated sperm to your mom doesn’t mean you’re going to turn out anything like him.”

He makes a face like he’s going to vomit at my choice of words, but I continue anyway. “Besides, the four Nash brothers turned out fine, don’t you think? Some of them have kids, and they’re great dads, aren’t they?”

He lifts a shoulder. “I guess. I’m just the last one in a long line of six, and somehow it feels like because of that, I’m doomed to fail. I’m doomed to be the one most like him because the others were able to escape.”

“Your feelings are absolutely valid. But I know you, and I know your heart. You’re a damn good man, Miller.”

He presses his lips together a little doubtfully, and as his ride or die, I suddenly realize it’s on me to make him see what an amazing person he really is.

“You’re sacrificing so much for me, and I’m just a friend. Imagine what you’d do for your future wife and kids. And besides, you don’t need to decide anything right now, anyway. Playing engagement with me is just pushing those decisions further down the road.” Something sparks in my mind that maybe that’s part of his motivation for agreeing to it. He doesn’t have to face reality for a little longer if he’s tied up with me for however long we decide to do this.

He glances up at me, and there’s something there in his eyes, but I can’t quite put my finger on what it is.

You don’t have to decide now. I’m just a friend.

I’m just a friend.

Sometimes when he looks at me like that…I wonder if I’m missing something.

Sometimes when he looks at me like that…I think maybe someday I could be more thanjust a friend.

Maybe I’m totally delusional.

But ever since I moved into his house with him, I think I’m starting to want to be more thanjust a friend.

CHAPTER 16: Miller Banks

What if You Don’t

“I don’t know, man,” I say to my brother. We’re in his weight room at the house he shares with Cassie and her kids, and it’s just the two of us. The kids are at school, and Cassie’s working. “I keep feeling thisheatbetween us, but I’m not sure if it’s just because of my feelings for her or if there’s something more to it,” I say. I finish my set of squats and set the weight bar back in the rack as I think about that look we shared after we toasted last night in my kitchen.

“Are you taking her to the SDSYS event at the end of the month?” he asks, referring to the San Diego Storm for Youth Sports charity event happening on a Saturday evening. It includes dinner, live music, and an auction along with raffles and one-on-one experiences with pro football players for attendees.

---