Page 101 of Resisting the Running Back

This is a lifelong commitment, and regardless of whether I am or I’m not pregnant right at this moment, if he doesn’t want that commitment and I do…then it’s never going to work between us long term.

And that thought breaks my heart.

Mostly because I can only see this as the end of the road for us. I don’t know how we go back to being friends after everything we’ve been through the last few months. I don’t know how future partners are going to feel about me being so close with someone who’s my ex. And I don’t know if I can share the same kinds of things with someone knowing he’s been in love with me as long as he has.

After dinner, the men participate in the poker tournament hosted by the casino. The ladies are invited, too, of course, but none of us want to play. It’s more fun to watch, anyway.

Miller’s doing well, and he’s still in it when the clock strikes eleven. I’m exhausted, and I don’t even know why. It’s not like I did anything strenuous today, but the massage was so relaxing that I think I’m just done for the day.

I lean in toward Miller after he wins another hand. “I’m going to head up to bed,” I say quietly.

He turns and looks at me. “You okay?” It’s the second time tonight he’s asked me that, and just like the first time, I lie.

“I’m fine. Just tired.”

He puckers his lips for a kiss, and I give him one even though it feels like it’s more for show for everyone around us than it is for us.

I push that icky feeling away and head up to our stateroom alone.

The alarm wakes us bright and early for another early meeting for an excursion. Today we’re doing ATVs and ziplining with the six brothers and their significant others. Kids and parents are staying behind, and if I didn’t have all this other stuff weighing on me, I’d be excited for the day.

We take a quick glance in the first shop at the port, but they mainly sell alcohol, not Plan B.

This isn’t a quiet, romantic excursion where we can talk and work things out, but instead it’s active, and we’re surrounded by other people all day.

Our excursion runs late, which means we don’t have time to look in the shops because we have to haul ass back to the ship.

I’m starting to believe Cassie’s words more and more.What’s meant to be will be.

If we can’t get our hands on Plan B, then maybe I’m not meant to take it. Maybe I won’t be pregnant at all…or maybe I will be, and that baby was meant for me.

When we get to dinner, I realize we only have one more night together on this ship. We’ll go home, and things will return to normal.

Kind of.

Except…not really.

A week after we get back, training camp will start, and I don’t know what our new reality will look like. He may not even behome the first time I take a pregnancy test. I might have to take it alone.

I might have to deal with the results—positive or negative—alone.

And I might have to sort through whatever feelings come with that…alone.

I’ve never felt abandoned by Miller before, but I’ve also never been in the role I’m currently playing with him. I always knew he had different obligations during the season, so of course I’d see less of him.

I didn’t think about what implications that would hold as his fiancée or girlfriend orwhateverit is I am to him now, and I’m already starting to feel that. Maybe he’s pulling away because he’s mentally preparing for the season. And I can tell myself to justify things between us all I want, but I know it’s because he’s going through whatever feelings he’s harboring, and whatever they are…he doesn’t want to talk to me about them.

And that hurts more than it should.

“Today was fun,” Asher says, making casual conversation once the table is filled with the rest of us. Desi holds their one-year-old, and he glances at the two of them before he says, “And tonight will be fun, too.”

“We have an announcement,” Desi says. She turns Jake so we can all see his shirt.

Big Brother.

“Big brother?” Grayson says, reading the shirt. “Wait, are you—” He points a finger between Asher and Desi, and they’re both laughing as the rest of us put it together.

“We’re having another baby,” Desi says. “We just told Mom and Dad a few minutes ago, and Missy, too.” Our heads all swing to the parents’ table, where Bill and Sue Dixon are beaming at their daughter, and Missy is wiping her eyes.

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