Page 218 of A King's Oath

37. Debt

Samarth stumbled into his suite at the hour of sunset. He had no memory of how he had reached there. No memory of what he had done on the way. Except, when the door clicked shut, and he looked at the impeccable space, he couldn’t figure out if he had lived this day or it was about to begin. Was this another fever-induced delirium?

“Ehh!” Harsh’s yell burst his bubble. Samarth was looking right at him sitting on the couch and he hadn’t realised it.

Where have you been? Where’s your phone?

Samarth startled, reaching inside his pocket to check. Missed calls from Harsh. Messages.

I was out…he gestured.

Harsh got to his feet —Are you feverish?He began to stride towards him but Samarth changed tracks and found the door to his room. He rushed towards the bathroom.

“No, just had a long day at the… polo club. Sorry I did not see your texts.”

A bang on his door. He turned. Harsh didn’t look like he had bought it but he cocked his head.

Do you want to go out and eat dinner or ask Parmeshwar to cook and eat in?

“Eat in.”

Harsh had lived and travelled with him for two-thirds of his life. By now he knew his silences, understood his movements. And he also was adept at dealing with them. So he backed off. Samarth went inside the bathroom, stripped and turned on the shower to the coldest blast. It wasn’t fever or delirium. It was repentance that could not be lived now.

————————————————————

His thoughts did not let him sleep. He was afraid his thoughts would never let him sleep now. The guilt, the regret, the pain that could not be moulded into thoughts. The helplessness, the blankness, the gush of everything all at once that couldn’t be contained by him and him alone. He had a daughter. He had become a father eight years ago? Ava had her… raised her. Alone. She had come to him and he had all but thrown her out. Blocked her. Cut all contact. How did she spend these eight years without telling him? Without coming and slapping his face? Without screaming down their whole world? How had she so quietly and so gracefully disappeared?

Samarth didn’t realise when his hand reached for his phone and his thumb found the second number on his Favourites list. He zapped out too late, when the ringer had already gone on for numerous rounds. He checked the time and his thumb went to end the call.

“Samarth?” Rajmata’s groggy voice crackled.

“Hi, Rajmata, I am sorry I didn’t see the time. Go to sleep.”

“Is everything ok?” Her voice went alert. “Are you ok? Fever relapse?”

“I am fine.”

“Wait.”

The rustle of fabric, a switch.

“Tara?” Papa’s groan in the background.

“Go to sleep.”

“Who is calling you so late?”

“Nadeem. You want to talk?”

A pause, more rustling and then the click of a door.

“Hello?”

“Rajmata, don’t wake Papa up, it’s nothing.”

“Papa is sleeping. I came out to the garden.”

Samarth took a deep breath.

---