Page 74 of Dissent

My throat stung with the threat of unshed tears, making it difficult to swallow. “That’s what I’m told,” I finally mustered out.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I turned to face her, and then pulled myself up, my hair cascading around me, creating a curtain that shielded one side of my face. I shook my head. But even as I did, I felt the tears building up, threatening to reveal themselves. The words were out before I had a chance to stop them.

“Is it wrong of me? I mean, here I am, talking about how much I miss Matias one second, only to cry about Chase the next.” I ran my hands through my hair, pulling at my scalp in aggravation. “I mean, god! What the hell is wrong with me?”

Edith tipped her head to the side as her familiar, friendly smile returned, offering me comfort. “It’s calledbeing human. Turns out, most of us have the same problem.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny.”

“It’snotfunny. You liked Chase. That was real. They took him from you in a totally horrific way. And they made youwatch.Let’s not forgetthatlittle sadistic detail. You probably have all kinds of trauma from that shit, no doubt.”

I snorted. “Thanks…I appreciate the support.”

She plowed on. “Then you’re hit in the head, become a Dissenter, meet a hot guy, meet a second hot guy who looksidenticalto your dead beau. Then the first hot guy puts the moves on you. And I mean,come on…I don’t see Matias like that, but if he put the moves on me, I’d give him a go.”

I laughed at that one, wiping away the few tears that escaped. “Hey, I’m letting it be known that I’m staking a claim,” I warned as I pointed a finger at her.

She chuckled and then kept going. “Then you find out that the dead ‘almostboyfriend’ was actually your fiancé without you even knowing it, and that the whole thing was a damn setup. Then the hot guy finally sweeps you off your feet with a make-out sesh that had even me steaming! Ofcourseyou’re all confused and effed up. Come to think of it, when all of this shit is over, we’ve got to get you some therapy or something.”

“Well, when you put it like that,” I deadpanned.

“Seriously, Mara, you’re not a bad person or anything because you have feelings for Matias. It doesn’t make you a skank or anything. It’s not like you were shacking up with all of them or something.” Her face suddenly grew serious, the smile gone from her lips. “You weren’t, were you?”

“What? No!” I went to grab my pillow and throw it at her, and then remembered that I already had, leaving me empty-handed. “No. Chase and I never even kissed. I wasn’t allowed to date.”

“I guess it makes sense that the dictator was a control freak with his daughter.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, well, my stepmom was therealcontrol freak.” I sighed, feeling the oceanic storm inside of me settle down some. “I guess you’re right. I really like Matias. And I miss Chase, and I know there’s a part of me that will always care about him. But I also know that part of my life is over. And it hurts. Every time I remember that day, his eyes burning in the flames, I feel this wave of guilt.” I flopped backwards onto the cot again with a groan. “I just want to make sure I’m being fair to Matias, you know? I want to make sure that if I’m going to do this, that I’m not taking this baggage from Chase with me. Does that make any sense?”

“Totally.” She paused for a moment, and I turned to look at her. I could see the wheels in her head turning. “You know what I think?”

“What?”

“I think there’s a part of you that’s still stuck in Telvia. There’s some masochistic part of you that thinks everything’s your fault, that you need to be guilty for all the shit, and that you’re not allowed to be happy.”

“That’s not true.”

“Oh yes, it is. And, Mara, it’s got tostop. Your life in Telvia is over. And, as hard as it is for me to say this, Chase was a part of that life. He died—that’s not your fault. Now it’s time to get over it and move on. Fuck Raúl and your bitchy stepmom. Fuck Telvia, fuck the Initiation Ceremony, fuck having someone else dictate what you’re going to do withyourlife. You said your birthday meant freedom to you. Sounds to me like it still does. Because youarefree, Mara. Well,” she looked around the tent and shrugged. “Technicallyyou’re not free right now, but you know what I mean.”

I laughed. She was right. What happened in Telvia, and everything that was supposed to happen in Telvia, was over. I had an opportunity to begin something new now. To get a fresh start. The realization hit me, and a lightness took over. I took in a deep breath—the deepest I’d breathed in since coming to the camp over a month ago—and then let it out with a long sigh. “You’re right.”

Edith gave me an offended look. “Damn straight I’m right. What did you expect?”

I rolled my eyes at her. “Always the modest damsel.”

She snorted, “Modesty’s for prudes.”

I busted out laughing. One thing was for sure: Edith was no prude. As my laughter subsided, I looked at her with a smile. “Thanks, Edith.”

She winked. “You got it, girl.” Silence fell between us, but it didn’t last long. Edith’s tab buzzed, catching her attention.

“What is it?”

“Giza. You’ve been scheduled to have your review tomorrow morning.”

The all-too-familiar sense of dread returned then, my stomach dipping. Great…nothing said happy birthday like a trial to determine your fate. Maybe Edith was wrong. Maybe my days of living in guilt and fear had only just begun.

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