Page 60 of Dissent

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I was so pissed off and frustrated at the whole thing that it took serious effort to keep me from grinding my teeth. And I was pretty sure I had one hell of abitch-facegoing on, because everyone seemed to give me a wide berth, though Matias didn’t seem to go too far from me. But either he knew I was completely pissed off at him orhewas completely pissed off at me because the physical distance he put between us was the furthest he’d been except for when curfew hit. Chelsea, on the other hand, was practically skipping at his side. I hadn’t seen her this happy since…well, come to think of it, I’d never seen her this happy. And deep in my gut, I could feel that familiar slithering sensation of jealousy.

Edith hung back from the rest of them and pulled up to walk alongside me. “You okay?”

I raised my brow in awhat-do-you-thinkkind of way. The whole thing stunk. Of course I wasn’t okay! But I couldn’t say it, because if I said it, I’d crack. And if I cracked, I’d cry. And there was no way I was crying.

“Ya pissed at Matias?” she whispered under her breath. It was a poke, and it was the exact right poke too.

“Hell yes,” I growled, low in my throat and through gritted teeth. I parted my lips, taking in a huge gulp of air. Because if I didn’t, I was going to cry. And I really didn’t want to cry.

Edith grimaced, then frowned. “I know,” she whispered back. “It’s messed up.” I was all but chewing on my lips now to keep from saying anything or breaking down. “You know he really likes you though, right? Like,reallylikes you.” My heart pranced like a stupid pony. Halting in my tracks, I sucked in another huge breath of air. Edith stopped too, stepping in front of me and watching with a concerned gaze. “Mara?”

“I can’t right now, Edith,” I croaked out. The others were getting further ahead, but it wouldn’t be long before they noticed we weren’t following.

“Mara, come on. I know you’re mad, but try to understand.”

I couldn’t. I really just couldn’t right now. Spinning around, I gave her my back just as the tears built up over my eyelids.

“Is everything okay?” It was Matias’s voice.

Oh great…Just what I freaking needed.There was no way in hell I was going to face him right now.

“We’re fine,” Edith said. “Just give us a minute, okay?”

I closed my eyes and kept taking slow, long breaths. She mumbled something else, but after a few seconds, I heard the crunching of his boots as he walked away. Feeling hands on my shoulders, I opened my eyes to find her right in front of me again.

“Mara, I know you’re pissed. But listen to me. Whether or not you like it, Sasha’s not going to let you go with them.”

I sniffed, my emotions slowly welling up to the surface. “It’s not even about that. It’s what he said.” And here they came, the tears slipping over my restraints and rolling down my cheeks. “He basically said I was selfish.”

“Oh, newbie,” Edith cooed, taking me into a hug. “I’m sorry. But I don’t think he meant it that way.”

I sniveled and struggled with the words. “That’s the worst part…Iam.My whole life, I’ve felt like I was worthless. And every day was this struggle to feel like someone cared. And then when someone finally did care, I screwed it up because I was more worried about saving my own skin! I grew up in this palace with more privileges than anyone. Except, it’s not even like that because my stepmom couldn’t freaking stand me, treating me like garbage. And so, I’ve done nothing more than focus on myself, doing everything I could to make sure I didn’t become her target. But I did it at the sacrifice of other people! And because of me, because I cared more about saving myself, Chase is dead.” A sob racked my chest, and then Edith was pulling me into a hug, letting me cry on her shoulder.

A minute passed as she rubbed my back, and when my cries quieted down, she pulled away so she could look into my eyes. “Listen to me…maybe you’re responsible for Chase and maybe you’re not. But who can blame anyone for trying to survive? And I seriously doubt that you are the sole reason Chase wound up in that arena. But you know what Idoknow? I know that you really liked Chase, and that you regret how things ended between you, right? And you feel like shit about it.”

I nodded my head vigorously.

“I know you’re not stupid. So listen up. That boy over therereallylikes you. And yeah, maybe you’ve been selfish before. Hell, maybe you are just a self-centered bitch—”

“Hey…”

“But that’s not stopping him from having all the feels about you. AndIknowyouknowI’mnot stupid. So don’t even think of telling me you don’t like that boy too. Chase died. We all loved him, but he’s dead. And there’s no way in hell he wouldn’t want you to move on. So think about this really carefully. Matias is about to go on a recon mission, and they don’t know what they’re going to find. Do youreallywant things to end tonight the way they ended before Chase died, huh? Do you want to risk that boy never coming back and things ending like this?”

Her words struck me, and it all became crystal clear.

No. No, I didn’t want it to end this way. My last memories of Chase were of him walking away from me, leaving me alone in that alley. I should have insisted he stay with me that afternoon. I should have demanded we talk it out versus leave things so tense, so…unfinished. But I didn’t, and I regretted it so much. Edith was right. I didn’t want tonight to end on this note. I sniffed and pulled myself away from her, nodding and taking big deep breaths to calm myself.

“You’re right,” I said weakly, giving her a small smile.

Edith grinned back. “Attagirl. That’s what I thought. Now, wipe up that face and clean it up. You look like a tomato.” The expression was lost on me, which must have shown on my face, because she quickly added, “Never mind. Just take some deep breaths or something. I’m going to get Matias, and then I’m going to shove everyone else along. Chelsea and Wes don’t need to be an audience for you. But here’s the deal,” she looked at me sternly, finger pointed as though giving a command, “I get the whole scoop. Ya hear me? Thewholescoop.”

I chuckled.Oh my god. Is this what having friends was really like? I’d say it was annoying, but in truth, it felt so good to have someone to bounce ideas off of and commiserate with. As sweet and open as Chase always was, there was something so different about having a girlfriend.

“You got it.” A smile crossed her face before she gave me a look, telling me to wait a second as she went off to get Matias. I took another huge breath, trying to settle my body down as my emotions shifted from hurt to scared shitless.

I didn’t even know what I was going to say to him. Edith said he liked me, but it wasn’t like he’d ever toldmethat. And as much as I’ve been trying to hold back my emotions, I really liked him too…a lot! But it scared me to let those emotions get the better of me. And now, here I was, with that cute, sweet boy walking my way, and I didn’t even know what to say to him. I didn’t even know how to react to him anymore.

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