Page 105 of Dissent

It was over.

I don’t know how I knew this, but I knew all I had to do was give in to the white. It would be easy. Just give in to the nothingness…enjoy the absence of all my troubles. Just disappear.

I wanted to.

I was ready for it. I tried to take in a deep breath, to let it all go on the long exhale. But I couldn’t.

A thought hit me, colliding with the desire to embrace the white, and it pushed back. There was still work to do. There were still people I loved that needed saving. There were still people who deserved freedom, who deserved the opportunity to make their own choices. And there was still Raúl. Raúl had to be stopped.

His name entering my consciousness sent a wave of emotions I couldn’t ignore, like emotional veins that webbed through my senses, carrying all of it back. Pain, anger, hate, disappointment. Each one stung as it spread like a plague within me. And then the memories evolved. Chase’s green eyes. Jacob’s loyalty. Edith’s laugh. Chelsea’s sacrifice. Wes’s strength. Matias’s smile. Then the memories grew, unfolding, blooming to reveal a new cascade of emotions. Joy, excitement, acceptance, hope…love.

It wasn’t time to go yet. I couldn’t fold into the nothingness, not right now. Not yet. I had to go back. I had to push through. I had to fight.

As my mind embraced the memories, I suddenly realized the desire to live. And I clung to it, desperate, pulling on it, willing the desire to grow. I had to live.

Then the surrounding whiteness brightened, rising around me. And it consumed me whole.

***

Beep…beep…beep…

The sound knocked gently on my consciousness, urging it to grow.

Beep…beep…beep…

It wasn’t white anymore, but dark. Dark like the deep blackness of the basement.

Beep…beep…beep…

Ache. It was the first thing that came back to me. A deep ache all over my body. But it was faint, a dullness about it that told me it was old.

Beep…beep…beep…

An urge to move came over me, and I tried, but everything felt heavy, like when you come out of a deep sleep. I shifted, or at least I thought I did.

Beep…beep…beep…

I tried again, and this time, I was sure I moved something. Sensations of warmth were slowly starting to envelope me. I wiggled something else this time…my toes. I was aware of my toes. And then my fingers.

Beep…beep…beep…

As I tried to move something bigger, my mind flooded memories back to me, hitting me like a runaway train. The basement, Jacob, the gateway, a car, explosions…

Beep…beep…beep…

Fire, dead bodies, bombs, gunfire…

Beep…beep…beep…

A katana, Telvian soldiers, Edith lying motionless…

Beep…beep…beep…

Matias fighting for his life, Wes carrying me, Chelsea rocking herself…

Beep…beep…beep…

The rooftop, Jacob’s smile, a gunshot.

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