Page 110 of The Bad Boy Rule

There’s one question that I need to know, and it’s the one I’m terrified of the answer to.

I’m not sure my heart can even take it.

I roll my lips together, tasting the salt tears wetting them as I gather all the courage inside of me to ask.

“So you had sex with me as part of yourrevenge? That’s why you took my virginity?”

He closes the distance between us before I can even finish speaking, sliding his hand along my jaw. His thumb stroking my face so tenderly, so reverently, that it only makes the ache in my heart intensify. “No.No, Lennon. I abandoned the revenge way before we ever got there. I tried to tell you… that night. I was going to tell you before, but you were so set on it being your decision, and I didn’t want to tell you because it didn’t even matter anymore. It’s not how I felt and hadn’t been how I felt for a while. I didn’t want to hurt you for no reason. I swear to you, nothing that’s happened between us was about my stupid plan.Nothing,I promise.” His throat works as he swallows, his eyes shining with sincerity. He drops his forehead against mine and inhales, as if he’s savoring every breath. Like he’s afraid that I’m going to slip away.

My eyes flutter closed as we stand together, neither of us moving.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, baby. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you before now. I just didn’t knowhow,”he whispers, keeping his head pressed to me. My tears are probably wetting his cheeks as much as they are mine. “How do I tell the girl I’ve fallen in love with that I fucked up, that I made the most stupid mistake I could’ve ever made, and beg her to forgive me? To not leave me.I’m sorry that I was so blinded by my hate that I evereven considered doing it in the first place. I never would’ve gone through with it. I’m not that guy. I don’t want tobethat guy. The one who hurts people to further my agenda. I’m not my father, and I’m never going to be him. Whatever I have to do to prove it to you, I will. I’ll do whatever it takes, Lennon.”

I can’t say anything because my throat feels tight, clogged with emotions.

I’m hurt and sad, and not just for me… but forhim.

Because of the years of mental and physical abuse he’s endured. Because of the heartbreaking fact that the man who was supposed to love and protect him was responsible for it. His own father. Because Saint has been so hurt and angry that he got to this dark place.

That he’s been suffering alone, in silence for so long.

He pulls back slightly, staring down at me as he runs his hand over my hair. “I love you, Lennon. I meant every word I said to your father. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. No line I wouldn’t cross. I’m sorry that I fucked up so badly.I’m sorry that I was so fucking lost. But I’m not lost anymore. Not with you.”

I don’t push him away because… Idounderstand, even though it hurts me to know he started this with me to hurt me.

But I understand his pain and anger. I get the desire to see someone who hurt you and your loved ones pay for what they’ve done. He’s been through more heartache than most people experience in their lifetime, as achild.

As painful as it is to hear all of this… I know how hard this has to be for him, to bare his soul and hope that I stay anyway.

“I’m hurt, Saint,” I whisper.

“I know, baby, and I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it back. I wish I never would’ve been so fucking stupid in the first place, but I’m promising you… I will never lie to you or keep anything from you, ever again. No matter what.” His fingers curl aroundmine, and he lifts my hand, placing it on his chest, over his heart, holding it there. I can feel the steady, strong thrum. “You’re inhere, Lennon. I tried to fight it, I tried to lie to myself that I wasn’t falling for you flat on my face, but I can’t. You’re the only good in here. It’syou. You make me want to be the man that’s worthy of loving you. I want to be the man you deserve, the man that makes you proud. The man who puts your happiness before his own. I want to be strong, and steady, andgoodfor you. I want to be the man you run to when it all falls apart because you know I’m going to be here to catch you, baby, every fucking time.”

He doesn’t realize it yet… but he’salreadythat man.

My broken man who’s weathered so many storms, so much pain, and still has good inside of him.

The man who doesn’t want to show the world who he really is because he’s afraid.

But Iseehim.

I see the man beneath it all.

I see all of these jagged pieces that he believes to be too sharp, too broken to ever repair.

I see the man who has every reason to be bitter and jaded by a world that has never shown him any kindness.

The one who just wants to be touched withlove.

The man who just wants tobeloved.

The man who just wants someone who’s going to choosehim.

Shaking my head, I grasp his face between my hands, forcing his eyes on mine. “You are already that man, Saint. You don’t need to change to be anything other than what you are. The man that I fell in love with.”

We’ve both changed in the last couple ofmonths. I’m not the same girl I was the day I walked into the rink, and I know he isn’t the same guy from that day either.

My exhale stutters against his lips. “You’re right. You did fuck up. You made a mistake that hurts me. But Saint… When you love someone, you don’t leave. You don’t walk away when it’s too much. When they make mistakes. I don’t need you to prove anything to me, Saint. You already have. And you just proved it again. You defended me, protected me, sacrificed for me.That’swhat you do for the people you love. So no, I’m not going anywhere. Not now and not a year from now. Not ever. We’re both probably going to make mistakes, do things wrong sometimes, but what matters is that we don’t give up on each other. No matter how hard it gets.”

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