Page 62 of Heart on Ice

“Maybe I should have tried harder,” he adds.

“I was never going to let you,” I confess.

“If you could turn back the clock, what would you have said,” he asks.

“I probably would have punched you,” I grin as does he, “but I would have asked why? Still to this day, I don’t understandwhat I did.” Urgh. I hate being vulnerable and that’s exactly what I’m doing and especially in front of him.

Pierre takes a sip of his wine, and I can see he is mulling over what he is going to say. “You loved me too much and I never felt worthy of your love,” he confesses. His words tear at my walls. “I didn’t believe I deserved you, Issy. I had to listen to all my friends talk about how you were too good for me. That I was punching well above my weight with you.”

“We were together for three years.”

Pierre nods. “I was the last person who saw my dad before he left.” I didn’t know that. “I had forgotten my cup, and there was no way I was getting a puck to the nuts, so I rushed home to grab it. That’s when I saw my dad walking out the door with his bags packed. I was confused because he didn’t have any away games. He was angry when he saw me standing on the path, looking at him taking the coward’s way out, leaving during the day.” I can see the pain on his face as he relives that memory. “I asked him to stay, and he told me I wasn’t enough of a reason for him to stay, that none of us were. That this wasn’t how he saw his life turning out. That he was bigger than this. Then he wished me luck and left.”

“I’m so sorry, I had no idea.”

“After you left, things spiraled for me. I went a little wild,” I remember seeing images of him, and that made me hate him even more. “I knew I self-sabotaged the relationship because I didn’t think I was good enough, and I was sabotaging everything else in my life, too. Coach told me I needed to shape up or ship out. I was nearly kicked out of college,” he confesses. I had no idea. “Coach suggested that I talk to someone, and I thought it was stupid, but he made it a stipulation of my probation to stay on the team or he would bench me for the entire season.” Wow. “It took me a while to work through my shit with my dad, but the counselor made me realize that I started unconsciouslymimicking my father’s behavior especially since people started comparing me to him, telling me how much I played on the ice like him. That doesn’t excuse what I did, Issy. You were collateral damage against my childhood trauma.”

“I had no idea.”

He shrugs. “I didn’t either until I started talking to someone. But it was too late when it came to you.” His hazel eyes meet mine.

“I’m sorry, I guess I should have listened to you,” I tell him.

“Don’t you dare feel sorry for me. Just because my dad hurt me doesn’t mean I get to hurt you. I did try to find you a couple of times, but your dad told me you were dating someone in London, and you were happy. I mean, you were in London, and I was in New York, it was never going to work anyway. So, I gave up,” he explains, knocking back the rest of his wine.

“You tried to talk to me when I first came back during Dad’s birthday, and I wouldn’t listen.”

“Is, you were hurt. I understood. I talked to the counselor about what I did to you, and she tried to help me forgive myself, but I never could until you forgave me on the plane.”

I take a sip of my wine. “I didn’t want to forgive you. It was easier to hate you and blame you than to deal with the fact that I still loved you, even after everything you had done to me.” Pierre’s face falls. “I wasn’t prepared to ever let you get that close to me again. I couldn’t take a chance on letting you inflict that kind of damage on me again. I hid away instead of dealing with it all.”

“I really fucked things up.” He sighs, running his hand through his hair.

“I did too. We were kids,” I tell him, sipping my drink.

“I wasn’t a kid when I kissed you at your father’s wake,” he states, looking at me.

“No, you weren’t,” I agree.

“I want to apologize again for that moment. I honestly can’t believe I did that to you at such a vulnerable time. You were crying and I wanted to help, but being back in that room and having you hug me and … in that moment, I wanted to pretend everything between us never happened,” he tells me.

“I did too,” I confess.

Silence falls between us.

“But I made things worse because you thought I was still that man. A cheater. I mean, I was. Things with Kitty at that time were rough. I tried to call off the wedding when I got back from the funeral.”

“You did?” I’m shocked.

“Not because of you … I mean kind of … urgh …” he says awkwardly. “Kissing you made me realize that Kitty and I were not meant to be, but I felt trapped. The wedding was a media circus, everyone kept telling me it was cold feet, that everyone goes through second thoughts. Then our team made the playoffs, and you know what it’s like, that was my sole focus, it had to be. I pushed every red flag Kitty showed me away because I couldn’t deal with it.”

“I watched the game,” I tell him.

“You did?” He seems surprised.

“I always watched your games.” Pierre’s mouth falls open in shock. “That penalty was a rookie move, and I felt for you. You had snatched back the chance to make the finals.”

“Pretty low point of my career,” he says.

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