Page 81 of Speak

She flings soap at us which we both dodge. That’s an obvious no.

“Little bird, you’re going to have to give me a little more, okay? I’m not in here,” I tap at my temple. “But I’mhere,” I gesture between us.

“Where’s home, Raven baby? Hmm? Do you want me to call Axel? Will he tell us?”

More tears spill over her eyelids and my little bird looks too tired to fly. I make a snap decision. “Call Axel before she retreats into her mind. She’s too wound up. I’ll finish up.”

“On it,” Jonas replies and leaves to call her stepbrother.

She nods and holds her arms out to me, and it reminds me of the first time she came back from her parent’s mansion when they left her all alone for her entire stay and back then, when she tried to climb into my lap, I had to tell her why it was inappropriate for her, as my patient, to be in my lap when all I wanted to do was hold her. All I did,could do, was pat her on the back and let her cry in silence.

Back then, her sobs would wrack her whole body and she would cry until she’d made herself sick, followed by refusing to eat for days. She’d lie on the floor and draw imaginary things with her fingers on the tile.

I zoomed in once. A family of stick figures.

I called her mother immediately the next time she went home and they were going to be out. I begged her to not treat Raven like a broken little doll.

Even then I saw how fierce she was and could be.

They went to Versailles without her. Even Axel, who usually would stay behind during his summer and spring breaks, left her.

When she came back, I gave her charcoal and a sketchpad.

She drew (very good) broken dolls… and then she was attacked by a patient who thought she was doing sexual favors for preferential treatment and I began sending her gifts from me as gifts from her family through packages to the mail room.

I will never make the mistake of not holding her ever again. I get naked, sit on the tiled floor below and pull her to my lap. “Fuck, doll, you’re freezing.” But the water is warm. I stand us up, lather her hair up quickly and do the same with the conditioner and then soap up her and then myself. It doesn’t smell like her and I hate it.

“She just keeps saying she wants to go home? Not her dorm, not the mansion. Home. Where her books and her cello are.” Jonas comes back into the bathroom as we towel up.

“Wait. She’s talking?” Axel's voice echoes throughout the bathroom since Jonas has him on speakerphone.

“No. She signed for home.”

“She – she’ssigning? Oh my god.” Axel’s voice breaks and I can hear him sniffling. “Can you FaceTime me? Please? I want to see her.”

“She’s in the shower. I don’t know. I came back from the funeral and she looked kind of drunk,” he lies, “and then kept signing for home, cello and books.”

Axel heaves a shuddering breath as I kiss Raven’s shoulders. “She owns a lake house.Casa de Cuervos.I’ll send you the address. Can you have her call me when you get there?”

Raven shakes her head and Jonas kisses her nose.

“Yeah, man. I can tell her to call you but you know her. She does what she wants.”

Axel laughs through his tears. “Yeah, yeah. I do. Get her home, Jonas. I don’t know what you’re doing… but, just… don’t stop doing it, okay? I want my sister back.”

Raven’s eyes fill up with tears as Jonas hangs up.

“You were never gone, were you baby?” Jonas asks in that tender voice he only reserves for her. She looks up at us, those big doe eyes that drive me insane, and shakes her head.

“Fuck, I love you,” Jonas whispers, kissing her forehead.

“Love… you.” Her voice is raspy, like she hasn’t drank water in years.

Jonas’ eyes widen, and I can almost feel his heart exploding from where I’m standing. I know he’s trying so hard not to freak out. I’ve told him before that when she begins to open up, he’d need to be careful – she’s a flight risk. He tampers down his excitement for her.

I should feel jealous… but how could I ever take her away from something so precious such as this? She shuffles on her feet and I break us apart. I dip and bring her up bridal style. She kisses my cheek softly and she whispers, “Love… you, too.”

I run my nose along her jaw and kiss beneath her ear. “I promise you, little bird, you will never love me more than I love you.”

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