Page 63 of Speak

I nod.

“Then I’m glad I killed him.”

I write on his forearm,HOW?

Chapter Sixteen

Jonas.

I adjust her to sit on my lap to straddle me because I need to look into her eyes while I tell her this. I need to see if she judges me or not. I don’t think I can handle it if she does. This is the secret I was going to take to my grave. Because as bad as it is… it’s worse.

“Almost five years ago, I was introduced to Paris Rothman at a Christmas party when I was seventeen. Myfatherwanted me to pursue her and back then, I would’ve done anything, baby, and I meananythingto have his approval. To make him proud of me.

“When we started dating, everything was great. I mean our families even vacationed together. She was a little shy at first but she was so nice and kind, well-mannered, passionate about things I didn’t care about and she was even kind of funny. After a year, we still hadn’t had sex, and I was okay with that. Because I thought, ‘It’s gonna be worth it.She’sworth it.’ I fell so hard for her demeanor and her wit that I didn’t mind waiting. I mean, I had blue balls, of course, what eighteen-year-old guy wouldn’t? But everything was going great… until it wasn’t.”

“Two years after your incident, was the year we enrolled here, together. Paris started changing slowly, pulling away. She was constantly on edge. If I asked what was wrong, she’d blow up at me. Then she didn’t want to hang out, only went to every other football game and then none at all. She’d tell me she was studying or had todo some project or finish a paper. Then the arguments happened. Small ones, then big ones. She’d tell me I was suffocating her. She’d come over to the Sigma house, and we’d work it out, telling me how much she loved me and needed me and how she was so sorry. But then, a week later, it was the same, over and over again.

“She'd create these imaginary scenarios, accuse me of cheating, tell me I was nothing but a junkie or a drunk if there was a party at the Sigma house. I could be asleep and she’d burst into my room, accusing me of shit I didn’t do. She even hit me a few times in front of the twins, saying that she hated me and that I didn’t understand how much pressure she was under. That all I ever did was make it worse. But I thought I loved her, I thought, ‘We’ll fix things.I’llfix things. I’ll be better. I’ll be the man she needs me to be. After we get married, it’ll be okay. She’ll change. It won’t be like this forever.’”

Raven cups my face in her hands, eyebrows furrowed with concern and my heart stops. I clear my throat and continue.

“Last year, on the day before my last final, my parents had flown to Scotland and I was meeting them there when I was done. I had my luggage packed and ready to go. She came over when she knew I was home alone. She practically attacked me, telling me how badly she wanted me to fuck her, that she was ready to give me her virginity and she wanted to do it before I left since she and her family were going to spend the summer in South America. Or so she said.

“I should’ve been ecstatic but alarms blared in my head and I pushed her off, telling her I didn’t mind waiting, I loved her for her, not her body. She got so angry, told me I wasn’t a man if I didn’t fuck her, and she was going to tell everyone I’m gay and was using her as a beard. It’s embarrassing to say she almost raped me.

“Luckily, one of the housemaids came to tell me that the driver was ready to take me to the airport. The first day I’m in Edinburgh, Riordan calls me to tell me Paris was at a party with bruises, telling everyone I had roughed her up because she wouldn’t give up her virginity before I left for the summer to Scotland. They said she was acting erratic and was all over the place.”

Raven inhales sharply.

“None of it made fucking sense, baby. Why would she do all of that? We were fucking perfect together. Then I started thinkingabout how towards the end, she compared me to her stepbrother a lot. In an unhealthy amount. ‘Jacob would never treat me like this.’ And ‘Jacob just understands me better.’It was always about fucking Jacob. It always came back to how great Jacob was. It was fucking weird. Other brothers in the frat even picked up and commented on it. It was so fucking embarrassing, you know?

“I hired a PI to have her followed. And follow she did. By day five I was back on the plane. Paris wasn’t just fucking her stepbrother. She was pregnant. The PI had followed her to a clinic and then had her hacker buddy hack into their system. Sure enough, between the pictures from their windows of them fucking, and with proof from the clinic, she was almost three months along. I loved her enough to say I’d raise the baby like my own. I’d adopt it like my parents adopted me and it would be loved. I would have loved it unconditionally. I wouldn’t even tell her that I knew the child wasn’t mine. Or I’d simply just tell her it didn’t matter. We’d tell everyone it was mine.”

Raven and I both exhale.

“But I was still so mad, I saw red, baby. I didn’t think. I didn’t plan. I just did. I borrowed a car, switched the license plates then I snuck onto their estate, bypassed all the security cameras, because I knew how to get around the property after sneaking in and out so much to be with her… I loosened all the lug nuts from Jacob’s tires, not a lot but enough. I just wanted to hurt him. To scare him. You know? I was waiting outside of the estate, waiting for him to get out and leave the garage. When he did, I followed him and I kept swerving, making him speed up. His wheels ended up popping off when we hit seventy on the back roads. I didn’t know. I didn’t know they were both going to be riding together. I didn’t know they were on their way to elope. He braked before taking a curve and he couldn’t stop.”

I let the tears fall but as soon as they do, she’s wiping them away for me.

“They went over the guardrail. They went over the guardrail and died on impact, with all the fluids and gas leaking from the car, it caught fire. Jacob. Paris. Their unborn child. The destruction was so bad, they were only able to pull their charred remains from the wreckage… they had to be identified by dental records.”

I sniff. “I sat, in that SUV and watched from afar as they used the jaws of life to open up the car and pull their bodies out and strap onto a stretcher… and then I went back to Scotland like nothing happened in the private jet. When the cops came, they couldn’t prove anything. Only that there was an SUV like the one I’d rented at the scene of the crime. But I’d used a fake name. They asked questions for months. Yet, there was no proof of me ever being there at the time. Tabloids came out with all of the rumors, incestuous reports, stating it had been going on for a really long time. Jacob and Paris, I mean. Then they were calling out for the Syndicate. But nobody knew who was in it or how to find them.”

“I killed an innocent child,” I pause, “and myfatherwas finally proud of me.” I add bitterly. “He signed as my witness.”

Raven pulls me into her, clutching me to her chest. I inhale that scent I’m all too familiar with, the scent of jasmine and berries and cinnamon, breathing it in deeply, letting it nourish my soul. She pulls away and kisses me and it wrecks every fiber of my being. She kisses me so deeply; I can almost feel everything she’s not saying.You didn’t know. You didn’t know. It’s okay. Your secret is safe with me. You don’t have to carry this burden alone anymore. I’m here I’m here I’m here.

Her kiss is too much and not enough and I want more and none of it at all but Ineedmore of it. Of her. This frenzy, this chaos, this peace and quiet. It’s maddening. It’s everything. It’s like an all-consuming drug and it’s in my lungs, my veins, my brain, and I have no idea how to stop it because I don’t want it to.

I want to crash.

Crash.

CRASH.

Here.

With her.

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