Page 120 of Speak

Raven.

Jonas parks my Rover in the student parking lot under a tree so we can put in our things since Damon’s BMW is packed with things we purchased at the mall in Black Throne. I never thought I’d ever be exhausted by shopping, but the lights in the mall, coupled with so many noises, the crowds, the different smells of the food court… I’m overstimulated and a little cranky.

Jonas opens my door, opens the umbrella, helps me down, kisses my forehead and takes my hand while we make our way to the dorms. The campus is glorious, but with the overcast and the rain it looks as though there’s a midnight filter placed over us. There’s a fog loitering around the wet ground, dead leaves are along the centuries old cobble stone path, the last of the earth worms are struggling to find their way back to the soil and there are ravens and crows perched everywhere, feasting.

It feels as though we’re the only two on campus since everyone is still in their classes. When we reach the dorms, Jonas shakes out the umbrella and places it by the door in the appointed large blue vase and walks me to my room. “I’ll be upstairs getting my things. I don’t have much, really. Just my uniforms and textbooks. I’ll be back when I’m done packing them into the Rover to help you with yours. Okay?”

I nod and give him a small kiss.

He leaves me to pack alone which I’m grateful for. The first thing I do as soon as the door closes behind him, is run to grab my binder containing Syndicate things. How am I supposed to hide this from Maverick? His house is fucking tidy. I’m pretty sure he has house elves that clean up after him. He’ll notice this. It’s large and obviously not my notebooks or my textbooks. I sigh, opening it to find the hot pink flyer I snagged from the cafeteria.

It's a flyer soliciting work for Inferno. A cage dancer.

While I don’t need the money from the tips they make, (nobody here does, really) I knew a few girls from before that danced to release their inhibitions. It was a way to dance like a whore behind a mask in a slutty costume. I always admired them for that. For being able to let go like that. When I saw the flyer, I thought it could be a great way to be able to get closer to some of the members of the Syndicate. A way to eavesdrop on the where’s and when’s. Specifically,Thadd’swhen’s and where’s.

I pack my books into the suitcase, then the binder, shove a bit of my clothes over them, and throw the dry-cleaning bags over my uniforms. I grab my duffel bag and shove the rest of my clothes and shoes in there. I’m so happy I still have my cello. The one in Casa de Cuervos was a stand-in for this one. The one in my hands means so much more to me. It was a gift from my Abuelo after my first recital. I grab my shower caddy and all my things in my bathroom and put them in a separate bag.

I look over at the mini-fridge and a pang of guilt hits me in the pit of my stomach. I’ve been ignoring Axel’s texts and calls. I just have too much to deal with. I can’t care about his feelings right now. I have so many other things to compartmentalize like the fire, finding a way to get to Thadd and Ashleigh, moving in with my professor who claimed himself as my boyfriend, and my other two boyfriends.

Christ, a few months ago I thought I would never get anyone to sleep with me, let alone havethreeboyfriends.

I sit in my desk chair and turn it to look at myself in the full-length mirror. Memories of the way Jonas took me in front of it tickle my brain and I feel a blush creep up my chest and settle on my cheeks. There’s so many memories in this room alone. Enough to leave me satiated for the rest of my life if anything goes wrong. I’ll always look back at the memories created here fondly. The roomwhere Damon held me in my sleep, even though he’s a total creep but he’smycreep. The room where Jonas and I lived together, even if the circumstances for that happening were abnormal.

But nothing about this is normal, is it? I was a girl that was at a university so prestigious, it didn’t offer scholarships; you either had the money and the grades to attend, or you didn’t. I was a girl with friends and had study group sessions and dreams of playing for a symphony. I was a girl at one of the safest universities in the entire Northern half of the United States.

Or so I thought.

Every time I try to forgive, every time I sit there and I try and tryso hardto forgive that my heart forgets to beat, I’m back in that fucking locker, bound and gagged listening to Lex’s broken hand rendition of The Secret History and suddenly I can’t breathe, can’t think, and all I feel is pain and anger. Pain in my side, my head, my leg, my throat. Anger for the stupid girl I used to be.

I scoff. I really thought I was untouchable.

I thought I was safe. The only thing I was afraid of was that goddamn faceless shadow.

Until the universe sent me the biggest message of all; monsters aren’t faceless shadows creeping in the dark. Real monsters have faces. They have names. They have families and smile with too perfect teeth that are too white and too bright, with lying lips and poisonous eyes and flawless skin.

I cover my face with my hands and groan. How could I bring them into this? Damon? Jonas? Keeping this from Maverick? I can’t do this to them. I’m a bitch, aren’t I? Keeping them for myself, not letting myself just choose one and having a normal monogamous relationship. But in truth, I’d leave the entire thing, let them choose their own happiness. I wouldn’t only keep one and betray the others like that. They deserve someone that can give them each their undivided attention. I’d love them all forever.

Love.

That’s this damning thing, isn’t it? The thing making me question my sanity. My future choices. They seem fine with all of this. Even Maverick. Sharing me this morning? He didn’t miss a beat. I gave him a chance to back out and he didn’t.

“Hey baby, I’m back.” I look up to see Jonas in the reflection of the mirror, unaware I’ve spilled a few tears. “Oh, that’s not a good look. What’s going on in that pretty head of yours, baby? Not ready to go?”

He stands me up, sits in the chair and pulls me to him so I can straddle his strong, demigod thighs. In Jonas fashion, his hands go straight to my ass, pushing up the new skirt he picked out at the mall. “Go slow but tell me what’s wrong.”

Baby, we can’t keep doing this.I sign, and motion between us.

His eyes narrow into slits, glaring. “Shut the fuck up andneversay that shit to me again.” His hands grip me tighter in a possessive hold, bruising and God, how fucked up am I that I love it? Love the way his love bruises me from the inside out?

I’m… I’m only going to get deeper into this. You could get in trouble. They’ll take you for an accomplice.

“Iaman accomplice, Raven.” I cringe at the use of my name. “The day I chose to lie I became one. I know I’m fucking crazy. I know I shouldn’t have. But I did. If you’ve damned your soul, I’ve damned mine, baby. Except I damned mine a long time ago, you’re barely catching up.” He pauses, “Do you think Jacob and Paris were my last?”

I gasp.

“Once you’re in the Syndicate you’re never out of it. The Syndicate owns you until you graduate. Even then, you have a job here, a job there, sent out like thugs and lackeys so they don’t have to get their hands dirty. The worst is the cops here are so deep in their pockets, they turn the other way just for an extra two to ten grand in their pockets. Granted, it’s not always taking someone down physically. Sometimes, it’s taking someone down mentally or financially. C’mon, Raven baby, use your pretty head. The Syndicate only comes together for large events.

“You really think my parents came down here to watch me play and celebrate my win? You really think the Anderson’s are tied to football like that? No babe, I was in Boston, fucking a guy up with special made gloves that are padded for me but have brass knuckles imbedded into the fabric to cause destruction, to get the point across. I beat him, some dude I don’t even know for owing thePrescott’s money they don’t even need. Then I showed my face at the bar where I had dinner with my parents, where my father made me for an alibi because he’s a legacy. I may be his son, but the Syndicate still owns me.”

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