Page 15 of Speak

I’m such a fucking loser.

God, but the way Doctor Archer would look me up and down like he wanted to devour me? I felt like lava ran through my veins. Those gunmetal eyes… he doesn’t make me feel like a loser at all. He looks at me like, like I’m a rare jewel or a masterpiece; eyes always lingering where they shouldn’t. Even when he looks at the scars on my leg like it’s a treasure map… I love it and I hate it and it makes all of my insides revolt and like the butterflies I get in my stomach have smoked crack.

But he never made a move and I was too scared to because… because what if it was all in my head?

And the speaking part? It just doesn’t come out. After what happened to me, what was there to talk about?The fucking weather?It’s hot. How am I doing?I’m angry and bitter.How am I feeling?Like I want to murder anyone that asks me how I’m feeling for the thirtieth time that day.

I’m fucking pathetic. In my defense, if you think small talk sucks, try having small talkafteryou’ve been a victim of attempted murder. My only saving grace was that they didn’t do somethingelseto me. Didn’t even try. No, they had one goal: to kill me.

But why?

Axel seems to be the only one that understands my aggressions. He was the one that picked up on my non-verbal cues. Like when the cops first started asking questions, the same questions over and over again and my eyes would glaze over and I’d simply look at him and he’d answer for me. Or like when that bitch of a nurse came to put in a new IV in me and change my bandages, he specifically told hernotto touch my wrists. What did she do?She touched my fucking wrist!Punching her in the face was a reflex Icouldn’t control. But then she screamed and more techs came in and what did they do? They restrained me again and then doped me up to calm me down. It was a fucking nightmare.

I am a fucking nightmare.

I woke up at Lorne Wood Mental Institution under what wassupposedto be a seventy-two-hour solitary hold. What could I do? Apologize? I wasn’t sorry and it wasn’t my fucking fault.

Except now I’m just so tired of being so angry all the fucking time.

Before I know it, with a sigh, I’m putting my hair in pigtails because the wind roughed me up, and Axel and I are heading to the dining hall.

I forgot about the dining hall. How am I supposed to get my own meals? Axel probably notices I’m fidgeting because he simply says, “Whitmore said they have an app where you can order the food and just pick it up yourself,” before he opens the door. “I’m also getting a mini-fridge and a microwave delivered and some groceries. Okay? I’ll come by every two weeks and bring you more because Whitmore said they only serve breakfast and lunch on Saturdays and the kitchens are closed for deep cleanings on Sundays.”

I pull up a picture of a punching bag on my phone and he laughs. “You have access to the gym, killer. Just, you know, don’t go after dark, okay?”

I blink.Okay.

He holds out his elbow for me and I take it, keeping my gaze on the floor when the door closes behind us and the whispers start. “So, what do you want to eat?” Saturdays must be carb days because on the line it’s nothing but various pastas and pizzas. I look at the spaghetti and back up at him. He hands me his credit card. “Get me a coke?”

I take it and see a huge jock grabbing a bottle of water. When he stands, my eyes connect with gorgeous brown and green hazel eyes with sparks of gold.

“Hi. I’m Jonas.”

Jonas… I whisper it in my mind. His voice is low and smooth like black velvet, and it causes a wave of new butterflies to flutter in my tummy. I blink at the temptation before me and turn, bending to pick up the drinks I paid for.

“Ready?” Axel asks and off we go.

We eat in my dorm room and then Axel leaves me with a hug that I don’t return. I wish I could. Human touch hurts unless I’m fighting. He kisses my forehead and lingers for a bit. “Doc said-”

I glare up at him.

“Never mind.” He chuckles. “I’ll be back in two weeks, okay? I downloaded all the apps you’ll need on your phone and… I’ll miss you. Be safe. Okay?”

I blink again and give him a chaste smile which only makes him pull me closer to him. His warm cider scent that reminds me of home and Christmas fills my nostrils and I breathe it in deeply, letting it coat my insides so that it can hopefully, give me the last bit of strength I need to do what I have to do.

______

It storms all morning on Sunday, and with everyone staying in, I decide to go out. The more I can keep wandering and go unnoticed, the better. I need to morph into the shadows, find out which areas on campus have working security cameras and which ones don’t… but on my way to the library, I decide to take a different path, one that I used to enjoy taking the first time I was a student here.

It takes me a moment to remember where the pond is exactly, but as soon as I find it, and I know I’m alone, I remove my clothes by the tree line so they don’t get too wet and then dive in. The water is chilly, but warmer than the cold droplets of rain falling from the angry sky.

“Mind if I join you?”

I tense and turn to see Jonas in nothing but black boxer briefs hung low on his hips, beneath that adonis belt of his. I swallow as my mouth pools with saliva. His body is immaculate, he’d put Hercules to shame. Hard ridges and bulges and veins and yet he still looks soft. That’s when I notice he’s not hard, he just holds a smirk on his face as he holds up my panties and bralette.

Of course, he’s not hard. Who would get hard for the freak mute? I swim to the other side of the pond as he dives in and sure enough, he stays on his side, I stay on mine until I swim back to thedock. He turns his back to me and I get out, wring my undergarments, and then step into my clothes.

I leave without a word. What’s there to say? Nothing.

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