Page 70 of The Marriage Policy

“Did he hurt you?” Hayes’s tone is serious.

“What? No. That’s part of the problem.”

“I’m confused,” Anthony says. “You want him to hurt you and he’s not into that?”

“No! Everything is getting mixed up here. I think I’m in love with Eric.” I turn to face them, waiting for a response, but they both just stand there like they’re waiting for me to say more. “I’m pretty sure I’vealwaysbeen in love with Eric and just didn’t let myself see it. I was so insistent on building walls between us, walls that would prevent him from ever questioning how I might feel about him, that I somehow kept myself locked out of the truth too.”

They stare.

Blink.

Hayes breaks the silence first. “You really didn’t know?”

Anthony swats him lightly on the arm.

“I mean…congrats?” Hayes says, and Anthony sighs. “Sorry. You guys know how bad I am at this stuff. I just didn’t realize you didn’t actually know. I thought you were just keeping it toyourself, but then, it took me a while to realize I loved Rylan too. Not most of my life, but…shit. I’m shutting up now.”

I can’t help but laugh. It’s such a Hayes response, and it helps lower my stress level.

I sit down on the couch, making their black cat, Puck, run away. “I’m so fucked.” I drop my head against the back of the couch.

“No. You’re not.” Anthony walks over and sits next to me. “I told you before, Eric is crazy about you.”

“But he’s not in love with me.”

“How do you know?” Hayes asks, sitting down on my other side.

“Because Eric isn’t the type of person to keep something like that locked inside. If he’s in love with me, he would have told me.”

Anthony puts his hand on my thigh. “Maybe he doesn’t realize it either. Maybe the two of you have been so determined not to fuck up your friendship for so long, you’ve both tricked yourselves into not seeing what the rest of the world sees.”

I blanch. “You think this is going to fuck up our friendship? Oh my God. I knew it was destined to fail!” I rub my hands over my face in frustration.

“Shit,” Ant curses. “That’s not what I meant. You both care about each other so much, you’re afraid it’ll happen, but I really don’t think it will. God, I thought Eric was in love with you before I realized you felt the same. You don’t notice how much his world revolves around you, how his eyes are always on you. It’s like you’re the center of his universe.”

I…don’t know what to say. I want it to be true, of course, but I can’t help being skeptical. “That’s because we’re such close friends. I don’t think people understand our friendship.”

“No,” Hayes says. “I don’t think that’s what it is either.”

“How can Eric feel that way about me? It doesn’t make sense. He’s not a relationship guy. He’s never in his twenty-eight years felt the urge to have more with someone, and…” And if he was, why would he choose me? I attract men like Malcolm or no one at all.

“Don’t do that,” Hayes says as if reading my mind. “Don’t think yourself unworthy because Malcolm didn’t see your worth. I almost did that with Rylan, and look what I would have lost out on.” I can’t speak for a moment, unsure what to say, and Hayes goes on. “Do you think it’s impossible for someone to fall for me because Malcolm was an asshole?”

“No! Of course not. But this is different.”

“It’s not different, hun.” Anthony squeezes my hand.

“Every guy I’ve ever been with has only wanted to fuck me…until Malcolm. He was my first boyfriend, and even he didn’t really want me.”

“He was my first boyfriend too,” Hayes reminds me.

“And mine,” Anthony says.

Hayes takes my other hand. “He targeted us because there’s something wrong with him, not us. It was one of you two who told me that.”

That feels different, though. It’s always different when it’s someone else. God, how could Eric and I have let this happen? It could be the biggest heartbreak of my life…

But it could also be the best thing to ever happen to me.

---