Page 53 of The Marriage Policy

“About sex stuff, I am. Do you like your balls licked? I really like mine to be all tongued up.”

“Oh, sweet Jesus,” Donovan replies.

“What?”

“You’re just so different, is all.”

I frown. “Different from me? I’ve always been like this.” I’m not so sure I like where this conversation is going.

“No. Different from everyone. You always have been.” When I don’t respond right away, he adds, “It’s a good thing, babe. I just love how you jump into everything. You don’t second-guess yourself. Even when you feel like you don’t know who you are, you do. Like realizing you’re bi. Some people would have gotten all up in their heads about it, but you didn’t. You just went with the flow.”

He’s giving me way more credit than I deserve. I second-guess myself about some stuff. I can’t even keep a job or health insurance. “It’s easy because I’m doing it with you. If I had tofind some rando to blow, I’m not sure I’d be as confident. You’ll show me what to do, and if I suck at first, it doesn’t matter.”

“Didn’t you just say you’d be good at it?”

“I’m trying to be humble here,” I joke, and we both laugh.

Donovan sobers. “I really am serious, though. I was so stressed when I realized I was gay.”

“You were a kid, and the world was different.” It’s still not great. There’s a lot to do, but it is better.

“I didn’t care what most people thought. I knew my family would accept me, but…I was so scared of telling you, of losing you.”

That admission stops my heart. How could I have ever let Donovan doubt me? “I’m sorry if I did something that made you think I—”

“No,” he cuts me off. “You didn’t do anything. I promise. It’s not in your DNA. But wewerekids, and I thought you were straight. Times were different, like you said. I was so worried you would think that meant I wanted you or I’d be inappropriate with you, that you’d be embarrassed of what others would think. But those things were coming from my head—internalized shit and because the world can be a fucked-up place sometimes.”

I got that from our conversation when we were kids, him being nervous about me knowing, but it’s not something I’ve thought of in a long time.

“But all you did was make me feel comfortable, make me feel accepted and loved. We watched movies, and you slept in my bed like you always did, and all I could think was that I never wanted to do anything to mess that up.”

Which is why he’s been checking in with me to make sure I’m okay and that this is what I want.

“I remember you told me you felt different, and that being gay was just another way you were different, and I was stuck between thinking—first, you’re not different. You’re just myDono. And second, that youweredifferent, not because of the gay thing, but because you’re special. I like you better than anyone else. But then I started to feel different from you. I suddenly started wishing I were gay because I wanted to be what you were, which is odd when you think about it. That I had those feelings back then, but it still took me this long to realize I’m bisexual.”

Donovan doesn’t answer, and I rack my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I said wrong, but nothing is coming to me. Did I say something insensitive? Offensive? Make him wonder what the fuck is wrong with me?

He pulls into the driveway, turns off the car, and the interior light comes on. His gaze is intense, his brown eyes holding something I can’t read.

“What?”

“You really wished you were gay just because I was? You never wished I were straight?”

Oh. I never thought about it that way. But… “Why would I want to change you?”

“Why would you want to change you?” he counters.

I shrug. “I don’t know, D. I don’t make sense half the time. I don’t think it means anything.”

“I love you,” he says, and my eyes widen because…is he… “Not like that! I’m not saying I’m in love with you. I just love you. I don’t think you know how special you are.”

“I absolutely know how awesome I am,” I tease.

“I’m being serious, babe.”

He is. I can tell. And really, it means the world to me. Makes my heart feel soft and my pulse beat too fast. People might think I’m pretty or fun, but most of them don’t think I’m special the way Donovan does.

“I love you too, D. Now, let’s go in and get your dick in my mouth.”

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