Page 35 of The Marriage Policy

“We’re just friends,” is what I settle on. The other stuff is too tangled in my head to let it out.

“Are you sure?” Hayes’s voice is soft, and maybe a little questioning.

“What? Yes. I would know if we were anything more than that. Plus, Eric is straight.”

“Ishesure?” Anthony asks. “Because he doesn’t give off hetero vibes.”

“What are hetero vibes? And yes, I would know if he’s queer! And so would Eric. This is getting extremely convoluted when all I wanted to say is we went to our separate rooms to jack off, and I thought about him the whole time, and came so hard I nearly died. Help me!” I cover my face with my hands.

They give me a moment before Hayes puts a hand on my thigh. “I don’t know if this is one of those situations where my lack of experience has me confused, but why are you so upset you thought about a hot guy when you masturbated?”

“Please don’t call it that.” I lower my arms. “And because it makes me feel like a terrible person. As though I’m taking advantage of him. Like I said, I’ve worked hard to keep those boundaries in place. I only see Eric as a friend, and as his friend, I shouldn’t be imagining him naked when I come…or, you know, watching him wipe dried jizz off himself afterward.”

“Wow. I think we missed a step. Are you sure we don’t need alcohol for this?” Anthony confirms.

“No, it’s fine.” I explain how after I cleaned up from my orgasm, I went to Eric’s room, that he was in nothing but shorts covering his junk, and the discussion we had about him thinking he was being a dickhead by being half naked or naked in front ofme, and how I never wanted him to think I was hitting on him or taking advantage of our friendship.

“So…I have a question.” Anthony comes over and sits on the other side of me. “Do you not see Eric like that because he’s your friend and you simply don’t have those kinds of feelings for him, or is it because you’ve never let yourself consider the fact that youcouldhave feelings for him because you’re scared of losing him?”

I…don’t know the answer to that. It should probably be pretty easy, but the truth is, it’s not. “I’m not sure, and really, I don’t think I want to find out.”

“Because of Malcolm?” Hayes asks.

Yes. Absolutely. The truth is, I don’t know how to trust someone, and I don’t ever want to feel that way about Eric. I shouldn’t. I know Eric isn’t Malcolm. He would never treat someone the way Malcolm did, but how do I risk that after the only relationship I’ve ever had ended the way it had?

But it’s not only the trust issue. It’s also because he’sEric. The person who has seen me at my worst. The risk is just too big. “Partly because of Malcolm, yes.”

“You can’t let Malcolm win. I almost did that with Rylan. Don’t do the same,” Hayes says.

“The difference is Rylan is queer, and he clearly wanted you. Hayes, you got ahockey godto fall for you. I’m just me. I scored Eric as a best friend. I’m not pushing my luck trying for more.”

“Hey.” Anthony takes my hand. “Eric would be lucky to have you.”

“He does have me. We’re friends. I think we’re looking way too deeply into this. I don’t have romantic feelings for Eric, and he doesn’t have them for me. It was just a weird sex thing because we got married.”

I instantly realize my mistake. I pull my hand from Anthony’s and slap it over my mouth.

Fuuuuuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Excuse me, what?” The shock in Anthony’s voice is clear.

“It’s not what you think.”

“I’ll go get that whiskey now,” he says.

It’s gonna be a long night.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Eric

It’s so strangeto feel two conflicting things at once.

Not gonna lie, I’m bummed Donovan went to Anthony’s after work. I miss him while he’s gone, which I’m aware is over-the-top. But I think it’s mostly because I’ve been sitting around his house all day, feeling like a loser with no life.

Why is it that I have people in my life I talk to all the time, people I help out in their time of need, like Cliff, or people I meet at the gym or to play basketball, yet none of them are someone I’d want to call just to hang out, and if I did, they would likely tell me no. Does that mean something is wrong with me?

When I was younger, I had a lot of acquaintances, but none of them really cared about me. None of them would sit and help me study rather than go out and have fun. None of them would sit in my room with me for days on end when my dad died. No one except Donovan.

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