Page 61 of Writing Mr. Right

I ran out without a jacket, so I wrap my arms around my body to preserve some heat. I’m in a pair of flip-flops, which was all I could shove my feet into in my haste to leave the apartment. The people on the street flash me funny stares, and I honestly can’t blame them—between my tearstained cheeks, almost-bare feet slogging through the snow, and lack of a coat, I’m someone who has clearly hit rock bottom. Thankfully, I’m too numb to even register the cold.

Couples surround me as I walk. People with arms slung through the crook of their partner’s elbow, swinging their clasped hands, or huddling together for warmth. I have no idea when Christmas suddenly became the holiday for romance but it’s a cruel mockery of my own situation. I’ve never let myselffeel too badly about not having a boyfriend or a husband, because I know it’ll happen for me when Allah wills it, but right now it’s like God put every single couple in front of me in this very moment to remind me how painfully alone I am. Or, at least, how alone I will be.

My eyes warm, but I try my best to hold back my tears. I can’t, though, because as I continue to walk aimlessly, all I see is Aashiq. This is the tall tree we pass on our brainstorming walks; Aashiq always points out how amazing it is because the way the branches twine with each other makes it seem like they’re holding hands. It’s also the first tree he claimed was the biggest he’d ever seen—until we walked onto the next block and he declaredthattree was the biggest he’d ever seen. The convenience store around the corner is the one I raced to late one night while outlining because I needed coffee but was out of milk. Aashiq had basically gotten me out of the habit of buying coffee because it was eating into my finances.

And that park is where we played our latest round of “set the scene.” I came up with a story about a dog and its elderly owner sitting on a bench. The dog laid its head on the owner’s lap while the other dogs ran at the park ran and played, so I surmised he’d been with the owner his whole life. Now they were both getting older, so they knew not to waste their time with strenuous activities like fetch or Frisbee. No, these two wanted to spend as much time together as they could until the end, even if that time was just spent sitting together on a bench, enjoying the snow flurries and the laughter of children.

After I pass the alley Aashiq excitedly ducked into last week to snap off an icicle from the side roof, a heavy weight settles in my gut. Is it always going to be like this? Is New York going to constantly remind me of all the things I did with him? Will I have to leave this place to free myself from the torment of all the memories we made?

But even leaving won’t help. Wherever I go, there will bea gap in my life where I know he should be. Whatever I do next, my heart will never be in it, because he’s not here. If I’d known he wasn’t going to stick around, I never would have gotten attached. I never would have let myself fall for him. He’s wiggled himself into all aspects of my life, and now I fear the impact of his presence is irreversible.

How do people do that? I’ve never been involved in a romantic breakup of any kind, but how do you love someone one day and then miss them forever the next? How do you have a light illuminating your apartment one day and then have a ghost lingering in every corner the next?

The worst part is I know this isn’t his choice. Judging by the pain etched in his eyes, the last thing he wants to do is leave me. But he’s always been committed to the purpose of why he showed himself to me in the first place, and I know how dedicated he is. He’s going to go through with it, no matter what.

My steps slow until I’m standing in the middle of the sidewalk. My tears grow cold the second they slip down my cheeks, but that doesn’t stop them from coming. My shoulders shake, and I bury my face in my hands. Now that I’m not walking anymore, the chilly air bites deeper into my skin, which makes my body tremble even more.

“Ziya?” I hear. My head whips up to see Emily approaching. She must be on her way home from visiting her friend. Her eyes widen at my messy state. “What are you doing in the street like this? And dressed likethat?” She gives my outfit a once-over, and when her gaze lands on my face, she furrows her brows and peers closer at me. “Are you…crying?”

I don’t answer; I just wipe at my cheeks and sniffle deeply. Wordlessly, she steps forward and hugs me. Her chin rests on my shoulder, and I return her hug, my temple settling against the warmth of her fuzzy jacket. She rubs circles on my back, then pulls away, though she keeps her arm around me. “Let’s get you home. You can’t be outside like this.” She starts forward,and my feet move automatically with her. “Why are you crying? Did you have a fight with Aashiq? Because I know someone who can take him out and make it look like an accident.”

I chuckle, and gratitude fills me because of Emily’s ability to always make me laugh. But then grief washes away the pleasant feelings, because I don’t want someone to take Aashiq out. I want him to stay with me.

There’s no possible way for me to explain the situation to Emily without sounding like I’m making it all up, so I think for a second before I speak. “Aashiq, he…he has to leave,” I start. “He’s…moving away for work.”

“Why don’t you go with him?” she suggests.

I raise a brow. “We’re not married.”

“I’m sure that can be arranged with how obsessed the two of you are with each other.” She flashes me a teasing smirk. “At leastone of usshould be getting engaged.”

Normally, I’d toss a joke back, but for once I’m not in the mood to mess around. Emily quickly senses it, too, because she dials it back. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry.” She tightens her grip on my shoulder. “Can’t you guys do long distance?”

“He’s going…really far away. He’s moving to…” I rack my brain “… Japan.”

“Ah, so a fourteen-hour time difference.” She hums. “I can see how hard that would make things for a relationship.”

I nod. “Yeah. Plus, he doesn’t want me to give up my work. He’s always going on about how what I do is important, too. I’ve finally made some real progress at the firm with getting my JD funded, and he says he won’t let me give that up.”

We check both ways before we cross the street as Emily asks, “Do you think you could convince him to stay?”

“I tried. He can’t. And we don’t want to hold each other back.”

When we make it to the other side of the street, Emily isquiet for a long moment. Then, she asks, “So, what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” I turn my head to her. “What do you think I should do?”

She quirks a brow. “Well, if I were you, I wouldn’t be crying as I wandered the dirty streets of Brooklyn.”

I wrinkle my nose. “No?”

“No, dingus!” Disbelief flashes in her eyes. “I’d bewith Aashiq. I’d be spending every single minute I have left with him. Especially for a guy who watches you like you’re the thing that keeps him tethered to the earth.”

She has no idea how right she is.

Emily continues. “If there’s really nothing that can be done, then you shouldn’t waste the time you still have together.”

We turn onto our street. “Won’t it hurt more to be with him until he leaves rather than just cut it off now?”

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